MIL is too much

[OneBrightCrow]

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

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There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

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A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

Fuck no. No way on the planet would I have agreed to this, lol. Since your DH does seem a bit of a wet blanket re his mum at least, sorry, I’d go with others suggestions - hit the bar, and Let It Go most of the time. Set some boundaries to avoid a mojito fuelled murder argument. DD can choose her own clothes for one. Keep your balcony shut for two.

I am not sure if I could resist buying everyone ugly matching shirts for the whole family to match!
Seriously pick your battles and boundaries and for me one of those would be about 2 hours a day on my own or with DH and DC.

If I ever dated again first thing I'd make sure of is their mum was 👋🏻

Your dh is the problem, these issues should have been dealt with along time ago. He should be backing you up.

If you have to choose a battle this would be my hard line.

Edited to say: unless it's Cunard, there should only be around two formal nights on a fourteen-night cruise. So all those dressy outfits are unnecessary. DD will need one or two at most. If you want to appease MiL, you can provide one and she the other.

It feels a bit like you and your children are being sacrificed on the altar of a cruise ship to appease DH's mother.
It's uncomfortable to read that your MIL has bought clothes with which to control your DD, but has no such interest in your DS. He may well be relieved to be left out of the drama, but it might hurt his feelings. And why should your DD have to bear the brunt of her attention?
I don't think your DD should be put in the position of having to choose with a grandparent right in front of her, poised and ready to deploy the lower lip. Where's your DD's protection? She shouldn't have to learn how to appease someone like that at such a young age.

With your DH's selective deafness where his mother is concerned, the cavalry aren't coming. It sounds like a nightmare. You have choices here OP. They're all bloody awkward and uncomfortable but you can see this nightmare coming a mile off.

I know you couldn’t have foreseen that incident but it would help if you could record things if you feel there’s chance for her to be rude in future. I’d keep notes too, just to prove to myself I’m not overreacting.

She sounds like she is very used to getting her own way. Think I would find the forced proximity very difficult. But the main issue here is your husband and his not being able to push back even slightly.

Ask him why his mother isn’t supplying any outfits for your son does she not love him as much as the granddaughters? That sort of favouritism should not be tolerated.

And an old mumsnet classic approach for further odd/rude remarks. “I’m sorry repeat that I didn’t quite hear. What did you say I’d like you to repeat it. Gosh I thought you said I looked like a hamster but surely you wouldn’t be so rude. Strange remarks like that can be the first sign of cognitive decline perhaps you should see your GP!”

If your husband says “you know what she is like” tell him yes you do and you hate it! Definitely get him to do some reading about toxic parents.

Just a little tip, the cabin stewards usually have the keys to the balcony joining bits (can't think of the proper word!) Make sure you tell them not to open it!

If she gives an outfit for dd I'd be tempted to ask were sons is.
Definitely keep the balcony locked, she can ring or knock if she needs you.

I've never cruised as a large group so had no idea these could even be opened. The absolute horror!

I'm seconding the recommendation for Susan Forward's game-changing books, Toxic In-laws and Toxic Parents. You need a line in the sand with this woman (and her enabler son) before she takes over your life completely. There is no way anyone would be telling me how to spend my precious holiday time.

You'll recognise her from the category of 'Engulfer'.

She sounds like a nightmare! My mil would never dream of doing any of that.

I agree with letting dd decide if she wears the match outfits or not. Just be clear when mil complains that dd had already chosen her own outfits to wear and you aren't going to force her.

Also, don't be afraid to say "Not sure I fancy that today you go ahead and enjoy yourselves though!". The worst that can happen is your mil has a tantrum and decides you are an evil dil for ruining her holiday....and then you won't ever have to go away with her again. I would have a serious chat with dh about how unreasonable her expectations are and how he might need to begin having a backbone. I read something the other day that said families usually accommodate the most unreasonable member of the family to try and avoid their most unreasonable behaviour....this sums up your mil situation. Everyone should just do as they are told or she will be mortally offended and kick off about it.

Will be bringing gym stuff... but may go and sit in the bar 🤣🤣 imagine them finding me in my Lycra knocking back some shots 🤣

our kids were keen to try the kids clubs but unfortunately SIL kids are not, and DH says it will be awkward if we're sat with the other kids and ours aren't there, therefore they shouldn't go at all. They were disappointed hearing that they may not get to try it out. The only time it would be appropriate is if we were going off for a meal just the 2 of us.... so hopefully we can do that! But I reckon once out of the week will be the limit

Excellent skills. Will come in ever more useful as the mother ages.

I love the term ‘absolute slipperiness’ too.

I don't understand this. Your kids have to miss out because your DH would find it awkward? I think what that means is he's scared of facing some sort of fallout.

But it doesn't make any sense. Why should your kids have to miss out?

@CloudPop🤣

A little gem for you, OP. This is the 'don't rock the boat' analogy, courtesy of Reddit (who for once really have provided a stonking pearl of wisdom). It's especially apt in your situation!

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

If she tries to give you matching outfits just say “oh, no thank you, we don’t do matchy matchy- the kids are all different after all. We’ve already chosen and bought her outfits”. She can try and control her kids as much as she wants but that’s where it stops. I would absolutely be digging my heels in when it comes to my own children. They’re not toys for her to dress up.

up until this update, I was thinking 'just suck it up for the week' but MIL is now dictating via your DH her expectations of your young children?!

Paying for a holiday should be done without conditions on your children. Surely she wants them to be happy whilst on holiday?!

Sorry OP, I'd be signing them up for the kids clubs as soon as you board (they do encourage you to do this even if you don't use the clubs) so that your children can decide THEMSELVES what activities they wish to partake in. If SIL kids don't want to that's fine but that shouldn't dictate to your kids what they are allowed to do.

Your kids will grow up thinking their thoughts, needs, wants and wishes just aren't as important as other people's (MIL, SIL, cousins etc...) and that's not fair on them.

I'd think through different options for managing it and the consequences/outcomes of each of those options, then make a loose plan. For example you could have:

1. Feign illness (D&V?) on the day you're due to leave, to avoid going, or simply point blank refuse to go.
2. Go, but stand your ground throughout, regardless of angry/tearful MIL
3. Have some clear boundaries but give on some other things.
4. Feign passive agreement throughout whilst calmly, without fuss, doing exactly what you want. As someone described their BIL doing, earlier in the thread.
5. Any other approach that appeals to you.

Each one will have it's consequences/fallout, so it just depends which of the consequences you find most comfortable or least uncomfortable.

I have one a bit like this...you and DH need to be on the same page about your boundaries and enforce them (he should do the enforcing really). The example with the rocking horse would be to have handed it back with a firm 'no, you know we had one we were giving DD as a special birthday gift. This one will have to go back'...and ignore the sulking/fall out. I think for the cruise you will have to pick your battles. It would be a definite no to opening the balconies though! It does wear you down as it's a constant battle of pushing back against boundaries, and sadly we have had to create some distance with MIL.

our kids were keen to try the kids clubs but unfortunately SIL kids are not, and DH says it will be awkward if we're sat with the other kids and ours aren't there, therefore they shouldn't go at all. They were disappointed hearing that they may not get to try it out. The only time it would be appropriate is if we were going off for a meal just the 2 of us.... so hopefully we can do that! But I reckon once out of the week will be the limit

Oh come on @OneBrightCrow are you really going to let your children miss out on something they would like to do because other children don't want to? It is a holiday for your children too irrespective of who is paying for it and it is a holiday not a military route march. Stand up for your children, your husband is clearly too much of a wet lettuce to do so. Your husband's weak, simpering attitude is pathetic, how on earth do you put up with it?

oh this is brilliant!!

God this makes so much sense.

based on previous issues though, i sometimes feel like I'm in my own sinking dinghy, being towed along by their boat.

sometimes my DH feels quite detached from his side of the family, because his sister/BIL and their kids spend SO much of time with his parents. His dad is almost closer to BIL than he is to DH and I think that bothers him. He doesn't want us to spend as much time with his parents as his sister does, but I think it bothers him that I dig my heels in about the frequency that he is happy to see them... as it's still too much!