Page 12 | MIL is too much

LouiseK93 · 14/08/2025 20:46

CloudPop · 13/08/2025 10:19

I’d suggest you make maximum
use of the free bar, see if you can get hold of Diazepam. Sounds like a bloody nightmare

This 😂

4amber · 14/08/2025 22:09

Horrendous !
seems this woman is quite comfortable to take complete control of you , your time , your leisure time , your children’s clothing & gifts & added to that , took great pleasure in humiliating you during a photo shoot .
Im with previous reply - I would fake something - send DH & kids & book yourself a pamper WEEK !!!

Batmam · 14/08/2025 23:10

Lobelia123 · 13/08/2025 10:30

I got the best example of how to deal with an over managing, overbearing, superior person through the example of my BIL! He never fought with his mother or challenged her, she would issue commands and opinions and he would nod, smile and say something non-commital like 'really....is that so .... Ill think about it mum' etc etc and then walk away and do exactly what he wanted to do all along. He would never allow a fight, but he also never bowed to her attempts to control his life either. If she raged or wept tears of frustration or self pity, again the same half sympathetic, half apathetic 'sorry mum...hope you feel better...Ill give you a call in the morning'. It was like a sustained campaign of absolute slipperiness and he was a master at it.

I’m in awe of your BIL!🤩

So how would he have reacted to the booking of the cruise?

Masmavi · 14/08/2025 23:40

You have to learn to say no.

No, I don’t want to go on a cruise.
No, you can’t give our daughter this present. Please take it back.
No, our room is private and our balcony will be closed.

There isn’t any compromising with someone like this. This level of interference and control is not normal. Just because they all
go along with it doesn’t make it normal it acceptable. Start to assert yourself. Think of it as teaching yoir daughter how to draw boundaries. She’s going to learn that what she wants means nothing by watching this kind of situation play out like this.
if your husband won’t say no you have to.
I was in a very similar situation and my compromising led to me being essentially bullied by my in laws.

Anotherbeeloudglade · 14/08/2025 23:43

Masmavi · 14/08/2025 23:40

You have to learn to say no.

No, I don’t want to go on a cruise.
No, you can’t give our daughter this present. Please take it back.
No, our room is private and our balcony will be closed.

There isn’t any compromising with someone like this. This level of interference and control is not normal. Just because they all
go along with it doesn’t make it normal it acceptable. Start to assert yourself. Think of it as teaching yoir daughter how to draw boundaries. She’s going to learn that what she wants means nothing by watching this kind of situation play out like this.
if your husband won’t say no you have to.
I was in a very similar situation and my compromising led to me being essentially bullied by my in laws.

This. And her husband needs to back her 100 percent of the time no matter what. He can disagree with her when they are completely alone, no kids around, no mother or family, but he should be backing her on absolutely every single thing to his mother's face, that woman must not see any chink in the armour and it is highly disrespectful to OP that he sometimes tries to keep his mother appeased at her expense.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 14/08/2025 23:58

With the history of behaviour from your MIL, why on earth did you agree to go?

pestowithwalnuts · 15/08/2025 06:35

Back to the balcony situation.
She won't just have access to your balcony but also access to your cabin.
She will be able to pop in any time she likes
As I said in my earlier post..keep your balcony dividers shut

opencecilgee · 15/08/2025 07:07

Ok, after the cruise, you can avoid them for several weeks

that will be your reward

I don’t like it when parents “pay for everyone” family holidays can be difficult

i would insist on some separate activities whilst you’re away. Just one or twice

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 15/08/2025 07:17

OneBrightCrow · 13/08/2025 10:06

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

--

There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

--

A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

Buy ear pods to listen to meditation as often as possible…. Or perhaps contact the crand ask for your cabin to be changed to an inside one as you onboard… Invent a story to your MIL about the toilet being broken… but just go to reception and ask to be moved even downgraded to an inside cabin as you’re scared for your child in a balcony..

Alternatively Make sure you have travel insurance and then draw red dots on one of your children so you and them do t have to go? 🤣 I’m trying really hard to think of how to help as she’s awful!!! This will explode though - you need to warn your husband because whilst she’s bought a holiday, it’s not really a holiday is it? You’re going to come home more stressed than ever. How are the children feeling about it? Can you book them into children’s clubs? At least if they enjoy it, you will!

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 15/08/2025 07:20

OneBrightCrow · 13/08/2025 10:06

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

--

There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

--

A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

I’ve not read the replies but you can lock the cabin door from the inside with the child lock which is essential… that way she cannot get access to the room via the balcony. You can also get terribly sea sick you know… 😜 and avoid meals and get room service. Tell everyone you feel sick and ruin it back for her and everyone else… but get your kids into clubs so they enjoy it!!

Judecb · 15/08/2025 07:23

It's such a tricky situation. You need to make sure your DH has your back and gradually start to distance yourself and your family from her - she is way too overbearing. There's no point talking to someone like this, they will never see your side. Obviously you want to see her, and and ensure she has a good relationship with her grandchildren, but it should be on your terms, not hers.

suburburban · 15/08/2025 07:34

I’m surprised your dd will wear what MIL has chosen. My dgd is very particular about what she wears as were my own dds.

put in boundaries and lock your door and balcony.

let your dc go to kids club.

yes it’s a control thing

Lobelia123 · 15/08/2025 08:31

Batmam · 14/08/2025 23:10

I’m in awe of your BIL!🤩

So how would he have reacted to the booking of the cruise?

Show quote history

I think he learnt from the example of the siblings who went before him. His sister was very close to their mum and a lot of her life was shaped and dictated by her thoughts, morals, and opinions. The older brother chose the path of direct resistance, and it led to a very volatile relationship with many shouting matches and falling outs/feuds. He learned to work with what he had and avoid both their mistakes!

I think he would have reacted by saying thanks mum, that sounds great. would arrive ready to enjoy the cruise but on his terms. Would quietly get up early to get to the pool, take himself off for evening entertainment etc and just quietly go about doing whatever he wanted to do. And if there were a tantrum he would just quietly say, Im confused, what are getting so worked up for? You wanted us here, well here we all are. Im having a good time, arent you? Well I cant help it if you arent enjoying yourself, thats a shame when everythings so nice. OK well Mum I'll leave you to compose yourself and see you when youre more in control of yourself, bye. And re the balcony, I can absolutely in my minds eye hear him say in his mild mannered way, what? No way mum dont be daft, thats not happening. This really works - the fact is, its hard to have fisticuffs with a piece of jelly, its very evasive.

Just to add, you have to be quite detached to be able to do this. As much as I admire it I cant do it myself, my feelings take over and I end up reacting emotionally.

5128gap · 15/08/2025 08:41

It should be your husband dealing with this. Because as the in law any push back from you is going to be framed as you being unreasonable and spoiling their family dynamic.
You need to sit down with your H for a serious conversation where you agree what the relationship with his family will look like. How much time you will spend with them, if holidays will happen, and if so on what terms (Oh, and there's rarely such a thing as a free expensive holiday that won't come with obligations, so you should always either decline or pay your own way)
When you and he are on the same page, which will no doubt involve you both compromising a little, he needs to take the lead in steering the relationship in the agreed direction.
I honestly think a 'how will we manage the relationships with each others families' conversation should be a pre wedding requirement, but better late than never.
If your H won't do this, then your choices are really to opt out of the cruise or suck it up this one last time, because anything you try to do will cause upset and drama, guaranteed.

godmum56 · 15/08/2025 11:48

5128gap · 15/08/2025 08:41

It should be your husband dealing with this. Because as the in law any push back from you is going to be framed as you being unreasonable and spoiling their family dynamic.
You need to sit down with your H for a serious conversation where you agree what the relationship with his family will look like. How much time you will spend with them, if holidays will happen, and if so on what terms (Oh, and there's rarely such a thing as a free expensive holiday that won't come with obligations, so you should always either decline or pay your own way)
When you and he are on the same page, which will no doubt involve you both compromising a little, he needs to take the lead in steering the relationship in the agreed direction.
I honestly think a 'how will we manage the relationships with each others families' conversation should be a pre wedding requirement, but better late than never.
If your H won't do this, then your choices are really to opt out of the cruise or suck it up this one last time, because anything you try to do will cause upset and drama, guaranteed.

"I honestly think a 'how will we manage the relationships with each others families' conversation should be a pre wedding requirement,"

DH and I actually did this and we LIKED each others' families.

Meandmyguy · 15/08/2025 11:52

Just tell her to fuck off.

I did when I had my son and when I was in my bedroom chatting to the midwife she shouted through to not forget to tell her about my stitches.

Last straw for me.

Original poster

OneBrightCrow · 15/08/2025 22:54

Meandmyguy · 15/08/2025 11:52

Just tell her to fuck off.

I did when I had my son and when I was in my bedroom chatting to the midwife she shouted through to not forget to tell her about my stitches.

Last straw for me.

Oh wow!!

I won't go in to the full details of how my MIL was when I was overdue with my first, but it involved me hiding behind the sofa in my own house, and then having to explain the situation to my husband after MIL called him out of work because I didn't open the door!!!

OP posts:

Bakequeen · 16/08/2025 02:56

She sounds awful. Next time she tries to humiliate you, take her on. Ask her what she means by that comment. Then close her down by saying something like, you are wrong. Let her away with nothing. Talk over her, laugh and then ignore her tantrums. She will soon learn.

5128gap · 16/08/2025 07:46

Bakequeen · 16/08/2025 02:56

She sounds awful. Next time she tries to humiliate you, take her on. Ask her what she means by that comment. Then close her down by saying something like, you are wrong. Let her away with nothing. Talk over her, laugh and then ignore her tantrums. She will soon learn.

I very much doubt she will learn. This is a woman with her whole family around her. The OP is an in law. If the OP is overtly rude to her MiL in front of her MiLs family, a family close enough to holiday with her, there is every likelihood MIL will emerge the supported victim and OP the villain of the piece. OPs H needs to resolve this. No one should stand by and see their spouse mistreated by their family. His silence says its OK.

AndyMcFlurry · 16/08/2025 12:35

The MIL will not learn. I’m assuming she’s at least 60 years old, she is not going to have a personality transplant because the Op said something to her.

Controlling people like the MIL and their Ops husband won’t just stop. It’s the only way they know how to interact with others. You might as well point out to them / explain to them that they are breathing air.

It’s the default position in their family that MIL is in charge and the Ops DH is her little foot soldier making sure that she gets what she wants. Same as in his family, HE always gets he wants .

The Op can’t even contemplate talking about it with her husband, it would “create drama “ and “ spoil the holiday “ and “ make him go against what he believes “ . And “ not be worth it over a dress “.

So all the things that SHE wants are stupid, foolish and trivial so she should give them up to make her husband / MIL happy. And all the things that HE wants are just small things, so she give in to make him happy.

I think that either the OP comes from a very traditional culture where the man is always is charge and women and children are his servants. Or she’s married to a very controlling man who had gradually ramped up his abuse over the years so she can’t see it, it just seems natural or even what she has chosen( my guess is that it’s the second one ).

Like the boiled frog.

Original poster

OneBrightCrow · 16/08/2025 13:03

AndyMcFlurry · 16/08/2025 12:35

The MIL will not learn. I’m assuming she’s at least 60 years old, she is not going to have a personality transplant because the Op said something to her.

Controlling people like the MIL and their Ops husband won’t just stop. It’s the only way they know how to interact with others. You might as well point out to them / explain to them that they are breathing air.

It’s the default position in their family that MIL is in charge and the Ops DH is her little foot soldier making sure that she gets what she wants. Same as in his family, HE always gets he wants .

The Op can’t even contemplate talking about it with her husband, it would “create drama “ and “ spoil the holiday “ and “ make him go against what he believes “ . And “ not be worth it over a dress “.

So all the things that SHE wants are stupid, foolish and trivial so she should give them up to make her husband / MIL happy. And all the things that HE wants are just small things, so she give in to make him happy.

I think that either the OP comes from a very traditional culture where the man is always is charge and women and children are his servants. Or she’s married to a very controlling man who had gradually ramped up his abuse over the years so she can’t see it, it just seems natural or even what she has chosen( my guess is that it’s the second one ).

Like the boiled frog.

What's the boiled frog?

my parents have a relatively traditional marriage in terms of roles, but I'd say my mum wears the trousers and my dad does stuff for a quiet life sometimes.

In terms of my MIL and their family, she has raised my DH to be quite a modern man. He is very domesticated, cooks, cleans, hands on dad etc. we don't have traditional roles in that respect at all. I joke that he is a better wife than me 😂

but his relationship with his parents has always been very close... and actually potentially controlling. His mum basically micro managed his childhood (which in some ways wasn't a bad thing as his busy social schedule kept him on the straight and narrow etc) whereas I had a bit more free reign in my teens, and got up to no good (which didn't land me in hot water, but I guess gave me some life experience and independence)

so in that respect, I think he is just chronically used to his mum calling the shots, and although he does speak up, it's only on matters that we agree on.... and anything we disagree on is usually because he has a much higher tolerance for his mum, and I honestly don't think he can really understand why I might have an issue.

we've started making some plans about our "off ship" days as he doesn't want to disembark without a plan and find ourselves wandering aimlessly round port towns (which is generally what his parents enjoy doing) so I'm feeling more positive that we will have our own space on those days, and that will hopefully dilute the time spent all together

OP posts:

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 16/08/2025 13:41

What's the boiled frog?

A frog put in a pan of cold water which is then heated to boiling on a stove won’t jump out. (It will if you drop it into boiling water.)

AndyMcFlurry · 16/08/2025 15:56

I think that him having a high tolerance for his mother as fine - as long as it only affects him and mot you and the children.

eg he chooses to spend his one night a week off cutting his mums grass - cool .

Him insisting that you and the kids give up one day every weekend to go over to his mum’s and do her garden = not cool.

What I notice about most of these “ anything for a quiet life “ men is that they are very good at protecting their own stuff ( free time, money, choices ) from controlling parents while offering up other people’s freedoms.

eg your kids don’t get to go to the kids club so that HE can appease his SIL .

You don’t get to choose the outfits your kids wear so that He can appease his mother .

Eg He gets to choose the surname of your joint child but you don’t get to choose the first name because his mother will be devastated if you don’t use X family name.

Rosegoldy · 16/08/2025 17:20

The boiled frog analogy, is an explanation how one can slowly accept increasingly unacceptable behaviour from someone, until you suddenly realise you are in a bad place feeling huge resentment etc.

It can slowly build and you don't fully notice until you are feel steamrollered, disrespected, and taken advantage of.

It is the slow insidious nature of the slow boiling, rather than the sudden scalding of being dropped into boiling water, which you would immediately notice.

It is a relationship dynamic analogy that explains how people end up finding themselves accepting poor behaviour that crept up over a long period of time.

HTH.

ChristineKo · 16/08/2025 18:37

Don't feel bad for taking some time to yourself. Tell husband, I need a break for an hour, meet you back at the room or something. The MIL will whisper and be annoyed but she won't be able to do anything about it. If husband protests, tell him he gets to spend some quality time with her. Taking a silent break from her will speak volumes. It also prevented me from blowing up at my MIL or doing something like push her overboard. It will all be over soon ❤️