MIL is too much

[OneBrightCrow]

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

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There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

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A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

I see no reason your children shouldn't have a nice holiday. Of course you should spend time with the family but not 100% of the time. That will be utterly exhausting. I'd just be really, really nice but quite clear 'so tomorrow the kids are going to be at the kids' club from 9-11 - anyone fancy joining them? no? that's fine... where should we meet for lunch? After we thought we'd go to the pool if anyone wants to come'. Just take ownership from the start.

I've actually found through the years that I do much, much better with my inlaws if I stick to my own schedule instead of trying to follow theirs. They stay up super late drinking most nights and I am neither a night person nor a drinker so the last couple times we saw them (my husband and I are immigrants so we see our families 1-2 times a year but for 24 hours a day for a few weeks) I just went to bed when I liked and left them to it. The other side to that is that I was awake hours before them so we only really overlapped for 12 hours or so a day. Much, much better!

So when she presents your daughters clothes you ask where your sons are. When she says he has nothing you say, sorry but the kids need to be treated the same so daughter won’t be wearing what you have bought and put her in her own clothes

you then let her sulk, that might work to your advantage as you can say to your husband that you don’t want to speak time with a sulky women child when you have kids to look after so today you are going to do xyz he can join you or stay with his sulking mother

Based on what you've said, I would treat them as free childcare. Use all the adult-only facilities and sign up for lots of gym classes etc., and say you know they won't mind because they have X family activity planned and it was them not you who didn't want the kids to go to the kids club so they could have them with them.

Slightly different situation but when my BIL is staying with my parents, he goes out walking for 2-3 hours everyday. Everyone is quite open about that being his break from tolerating our family 😂.

DS couldn't give a shit about not having an outfit 🤣🤣

and DD will always have me backing up whatever she chooses, if it isn't inline with MILs preference. Although her having her own free will takes the onus off me a bit, I absolutely wouldn't expect her to justify her choice. I'd be right there.

the outfits thing is pretty trivial and not worth thinking about too much. I think it stems from MIL dressing my daughter up in her own outfits when she used to have her for the day when I first went back to work. She would send pictures of her in clothes she'd got in charity shops or had kept since the 80s... despite me sending changes of clothes in my daughters bag.

once, I went to collect DD and she had some random dress on, and what I can only describe as white fishnet tights. Hideous!!!! I undressed her immediately.

Fuck no!

The first mistake was agreeing to go.

You probably need to go now because they have paid but you agree what time you will spend with them and the. Do your own thing with your family the rest of the time. You must get DH on the same page as you.

You need that conversation and his agreement before you go. If he refuses, then refuse to go.

When you are back, I’d back away from his family as much as you can and let DH facilitate his family seeing your children.

Make sure you wear a sexy nighty as soon as FIL catches an eyeful those divider doors with soon be locked by her I guarantee 😂 jokes aside I would just lock the doors and say sorry I need my privacy. The dresses I wouldn’t mind maybe just take a matching cardigan to cover up daughter with if you’re worried about her being cold

You can work with DD on the outfits thing. If an outfit is really hideous, you give her permission to spill something down it almost immediately!

I’ve never been on a cruise, but I assume it stops in various places? I’d be so tempted to deliberately miss the cruise ship and have to stay for a few nights somewhere else!

Can I ask what happens at Christmas time?

Sorry but fuck that

Cruises are easy to wander off and do your own thing. You won't be going around as a great gang all the time. Let your daughter choose which outfit she wants to wear and agree to meet for meals and a few activities.

Wow your dh is the gift that keeps giving.

So now your dc can't have a holiday? Stuck with the adults? ... YOU book them in the clubs. And YOU go enjoy some dc free time. Dh can attend to his boss's needs.
*mil and sil.
If dh pushes mil's demands your way send him her way. She can squeeze him in her room.
And you and your dc can enjoy the trip the way you want.

My mother is exactly as you describe your MIL. My father tiptoes around her as your DH does. It took a long time for me to see the part my father played in all this.

Your husband obviously heard what she said at the birthday party, and to deny it is pathetic and gaslighting. It also shows where his loyalty rests. I'm sorry, but he's completely spineless.

Your MIL behaves as she does because people like your DH and his sister allow her to. Now your DH expects you to do the same. I get that he was trained to go along to get along because it was easier than facing her tantrums and sulking, but he's a married man with children now and she will only ever continue to do this until someone refuses to go along with it.

When it comes to her overstepping and controlling things with your children, you must speak up. We went through years of escalating situations with my mother overstepping with our child and ruining countless special moments and holidays until I reached the point of going NC. Best decision of my life. Obviously this is your MIL and your husband enables her, so that's not an option for you.

I would never again agree to a vacation that she is paying for, because she clearly now feels she has all the say, even more so than her usual entitled sense of control over your lives. Your husband thinks you must do what she dictates on this cruise since she is paying, so the answer is simple. Never again.

I'd try to insist on paying your share so that she cannot lord the fact that she is paying for this trip over you. Chances are high your MIL will react terribly to this, however, because she wants to pay so that she can claim complete control everything without any pushback.

She will never change, I can promise you that much. I can also tell you that her behavior toward your daughter will likely reach a breaking point at some point, especially when your DD becomes a teen and is no longer an accessory your MIL can parade around.

throw her overboard. - lots of people go missing on cruises 😂

I’m taking my son and his partner on holiday in a few months
we discussed where to go and what dates worked
I then gave them the cash to book for themselves

we are flying from the same airport but they chose to fly slightly earlier so we will meet up at the hotel when we arrive but we may see each other at the airport

that’s how I think booking a holiday should be some with families but I get it that a lot of people think I’m paying therefore it’s my rules

we have our own rooms
it’s AIl inclusive so no need to worry to much about eating out and finding something to suit everyone either

Outfits - concede on the matching, let DD say no if she wants.

Balcony - I would say no from a safety perspective, sounds like the kids are still quite young - young enough that I would want to be able to see them on the balcony at all times - if they have access out of view in front of other rooms but the people are not watching eg asleep or in shower then much easier for an inquisitive kid to climb over the railing. If she arques against that my retort would be 'do you not care about your grandkids safety? with a head tilt.

Activities - I would concede on having meals together and maybe have a meal 1 night elsewhere of there is a resturant you want to try that no-one else does. Have a look at the activities she is suggesting and maybe pick a couple that the kids will be too restless for and take them off elsewhere.

Off boat I would just do what you want.

Well we are in the delightful situation where my own mum is a bit of a narcissist, so they each want what they want, and there's usually some degree of fallout over plans.... and they always feel that they are getting the raw deal compared to the other.

we've started to just alternate Xmas day/boxing day with each side of the family each year, but somehow there's usually still some moaning.

Whenever I read threads about a mil wanting to pop over all the time unannounced (or in your case, open up the balconies so you can all be in and out of each other's rooms😬), I think of Charlotte in sex and the city. There was an episode where her mil was coming round all the time and walked in on her having sex which solved the problem and made the mil go away. Take from that what you will...

I honestly don't know how you're putting up with this. I spent way too many years with a partner who was a mummy's boy. I would not care to repeat the experience. Could you call the whole thing off? Say you get chronic sea sickness. With a bit of luck she may never speak to you again. And what exactly will your DH do if you refuse to play any more?

When is the cruise? Sorry if i missed it. And how long is it?

she wont change, your husband wont magically back you up the way he supposed to, and nothing will be different so you have an option to get through it and enable her batshit behaviour for the sake of the holiday and your kids. Once you are back you can start putting boundaries in place to protect your own sanity.

does she live close to you?

You need to bribe your kids to go full-on Verruca Salt in a public space about not being allowed to go to kids' clubs until MIL relents.

You also need to pretend that the doors between your balconies are broken and then bribe the maintenance people to go along with the ruse.

In short, make bribes and booze your best friends for the week.

If they're all going to feel hard done by anyway, you should just say "fuck it" and do what you want to do!

I accidently ruined an outfit as a child. It was very windy and I had a candy floss. It blew over my dress and it was so sticky my parents had to buy me something else to wear.

Candy floss, coloured ice lolly, bright coloured juice on a windy deck......just saying. Accidents happen 😉

I do this affirm the idea, but never commit. It’s quite liberating. Dresses, ‘that sounds lovely’. If pushed, I’d say ‘you’ll have to ask her, it’ll be lovely coming from you’. If DD says no, and you’re asked ‘Bless her, she’s quite decided in what she wants to wear, lovely idea though’.

do not open your balcony to them-just say you dont want to because of the children>

as for free bar which cruise is that or mean the drinks package? do u know if shes paid for one of those for you (sorry that was mean to be in reply to another poster)

Oh my. Sounds like some actually physical boundaries are required and not just metaphorical ones. What an overbearing baggage she sounds.

DH needs to be at one with you of course with his mother. Let him deal with her.

Find somewhere to hide on the ship.

He knows how I feel about us not always showing a united front... but he says he can't support something he doesn't agree with.

we've had some discussions recently where he's been surprised and even offended at me saying I would expect him to do something in support of what his mum wants, and my argument is just that history would suggest that's how it would pan out.

it causes arguments... but seems to be reaching a bit of a head where he's annoyed that I'm pre-empting his poor decision making.

he is adamant that we'll be doing stuff more independently when we're off the ship, so perhaps I should reserve judgement.

ultimately I don't want my frustrations to spoil the week so I do need to pick my battles and let some of it slide