MIL is too much

[OneBrightCrow]

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

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There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

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A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

I agree with encouraging your kids to make a fuss until they get their way. These people can often ride roughshod over polite, compliant adults but struggle with determined, disappointed children.

My older one has a keen sense of how things should be done and isn't shy in saying what the rest of us are thinking. Last week, we were on a busy bus and someone had put their bag on the seat next to them, and DC1 plonked down on the floor next to them and said loudly "Mummy, do you think that bag has paid for a seat? And why should the bag get a seat when that lady standing has crutches?" Eventually, the red-faced tosser moved it.

Just encourage your kids to say what they want to do. It's their holiday too.

I would chuck your DH and your MIL overboard. They are both ruining your life.

OP this is NOT generosity, it’s bullying. The term Passive Aggressive is overused nowadays but this is a prime example. You’re committed to this cruise circus so go, but talk to DH about making your own holiday arrangements well in advance in future so you can truthfully say that you have no time for family holidays!

I have no advice. But I have a similar MIL so reallllyyy feel your pain.

If she's anything like mine, she's also incredibly defensive and will absolutely NEVER apologise or admit she may be wrong about anything, which makes it even harder to tolerate.

I'd point out to your husband that big family trips only work if everyone literally enjoys exactly the same things, or if there are safety valves of separate times and activities.

MIL can delude herself that everyone will have fun dancing to her tune, but even SHE will have a better time if people are more in the mood to humour her having had a break.

Event if you have to fake it - "forget" something in your room, "too much sun" another day, "got lost for an hour" another. Everyone will get along so much better if it's not a prison inmates situation.

Sounds like your DH comes from a family of enablers. For things that matter, it needs to be more difficult for his peace/life to disagree with you than his mother-I would argue that balconies and doors being locked is essential for your children’s safety, and wound speak to onboard staff about this. If MIL tries to insist on opening up all rooms I’d ask why she’s so desperate to catch her son/DIL / GC in a state of undress.

Re the evening dresses - I would say something along the lines of how cute- what outfit did you bring for DS? Really- you’ve left out one child on purpose? And I’d call it out every single time.

I’d have also commented in response to the silly face comments-would probably ask whether she was too drunk to know what she was saying. Worth planning ahead with a response for deliberately humiliating comments like hers.

Oh my goodness I think the only way through this holiday from hell is to embrace its comic potential. Line up a WhatsApp group with a couple of friends (the ‘horror cruise survival group’) so you can message them regularly & update them on her latest lunacy (while enjoying a nice glass of wine). Don’t take anything personally. To minimise stress, don’t criticise her to DH during the holiday: use your WhatsApp group as an escape valve.
See her as a comedy event. The worse she is, the more comic.
The holiday is temporary. You will soon be at home without her; she has to live with herself.

I had a MIL just like yours. Took over holidays, the children, everything. She was nothing short of evil. My solution was to divorce her son. She died humiliated and alone.
If your husband doesn't support you, you'll become resentful and it will undermine your marriage.

That’s quite some stunt pull on your own children. Would you really do that? The children will be just thinking of a holiday away with mum and dad, and possibly be worried if mum stays at home saying she’s ill.

Why didn't you say something to her about rudeness at the time, do women need a man to stick up for them, even if it is his mother? Spineless women who wait like the little woman to be defended, speak up for yourself if you are offended by something, cowardly to expect a husband to do so.

this, also if you kids want to go to the kids club, why should they not?

Sounds like it might be time to add a third option to the rotation. We are spending christmas day just the four of us. I so wish I had done this when mine were small. My mother was around an hour away but my ILs were a very long drive. Both stressful in their own ways we still havent had a christmas day just me husband and kids. Basically won’t happen until after my MIL dies now.

The very straightforward option has long gone but to not be beholden…to any family member - “thank you for the offer of paying for us to join you in a family holiday, but we have little annual leave and prefer to go to…/prefer time just the four of us’.

Easy. ( but in your case no free cruise for 4).

Indidnt know balconies could be opened up either, certainly not a thing when we cruised but that was not on the modern type of ship. I certainly wouldn't want mil to access our cabin and I'm not sure about letting a dc have free unsupervised access to the balconies on safety grounds so that means you can keep the doors locked.

I'd also suggest giving your cabin steward a tip at the START of the cruise and then requesting the balconies are locked!

@OneBrightCrow the cruise is going to be a nightmare. I'd have a conversation with DH before the cruise - tell him that you are willing to bite your tongue and keep the peace on the holiday, only in exchange for a promise that he develops a backbone with his Mum afterwards. And I'd think about what you'll do if he says no. Is this a divorcing matter?

There’s a great book https://amzn.eu/d/hGyPHPS that explains the particular complexity of MIL/DIL relationships. I found really helpful and validating reading it. In the end my MILs childish and emotionally uncontained behaviour and similar anxiety around everyone needing to be together all the time from both MIL and OH was the beginning of the end for us. my OH had other issues too, but He was unable to prioritise us/form a separate family, we were always second fiddle to keeping the peace and my feelings, when it came to his family, we’re treated as an inconvenience and a threat. I think it’s really important your DH is respectful towards you and your feelings because you are right, your MIL is too much!

Don't go. Never book travel arrangements and fake a sicky on the day of leaving. Then book time off as a family for Christmas and go somewhere amazing. Don't tell anyone before hand.

In fact, from now on grey-rock both your families as much as possible and start pulling back. If they ask what is going on, shrug and pretend that you don't know what they are talking about.

You can't win with these people and it seems that both your husband and you are thoroughly enmeshed with your respective families. Time to find your independence and enjoy the family you have created for yourselves. Maybe get some therapy to help you process your childhoods.

It is important that your children see you do this, so that they learn to stand up for themselves and not be sucked into a toxic quagmire of a family system when they are old enough to start families of their own.

This is so sad for your kids, missing out on something they want to do. I would send them, up to your sil to decide what to do with her kids. And once in club I would be looking at doing stuff myself not necessarily sitting with family

With regards the balconies thing, we do this as a family (not on ships, but apartments), it really does help have a cohesive holiday as people are free to come in and out, and the kids are free to come in and out, we feel like we are all holidaying together even though everyone has separate accommodation.

I personally prefer that style of holiday, and can see why they want to do it, but I love my family and don't have anyone like your MIL, from your perspective I'd allow it up to a point, but say after the kids are in bed, or for some quiet time in the afternoon, you'll shut them off for a bit so you can have a bit of peace and quiet and time to yourselves.

Don't pick any battles your DH won't back you up on it, it will be a horrible holiday, just smile, nod and do your own things anyway.. being non committal if the answer!

So your kids have to fit in with what the other children want to do? That's the only thing you've said so far that i've completely disagreed with. Please stick up for your kids - even if you just agree that half the week they get to do it.

OP: we've had some discussions recently where he's been surprised and even offended at me saying I would expect him to do something in support of what his mum wants, and my argument is just that history would suggest that's how it would pan out.
it causes arguments... but seems to be reaching a bit of a head where he's annoyed that I'm pre-empting his poor decision making.

I find this really interesting. It reminds me of people I've come across & it's made me think about why they get upset when you say you know what they'll do or say. I suppose they must like to tell themselves that they have (a) free will, (b) impartial good judgement & (c) the best of intentions.

They don't, of course. And they don't like having that pointed out. They need to pretend to themselves that each encounter, each demand from the one they enable, each new situation, could have any one of a wide range of outcomes - when in fact it only has one fixed outcome: in your DH's case, he'll go along with whatever your MIL wants.

@Inertia I’d have also commented in response to the silly face comments-would probably ask whether she was too drunk to know what she was saying. Worth planning ahead with a response for deliberately humiliating comments like hers.

It would be so funny to go further than this excellent suggestion & use MIL's words back to her when she's in all her glory at the dinner table with her matchy-matchy GDs either side of her: "Why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster!".🐹Maybe take a few drinks first, so you've got an excuse.

If she's bought evening outfits for dd then I'd return the ones you have and keep the money. I'd have done the same for the rocking horse, your dc at that age wouldn't give a shit who bought it for them but they'd have had a toy they wanted without you having to splash the cash. As others have said, choose your battles.

Your DH is an arse. I would deffo make sure the DCs get to do the activities they want.

@OneBrightCrow

Bloody hell that sounds like a nightmare.

It's your holiday though and your kids' holiday too, so I would let the rest of them get on with whatever they want to do together, and breezily be taking myself off to the pool or the gym and dropping my kids off at the kids' club en route!

If they don't like it, just channel the BIL that PP wrote about above. "OK MIL whatever, " " Yeah we can that tomorrow DH," and carry on regardless.

100% agree, OP your children shouldn’t have to be compliant with your SILs children’s wishes. Let yours go to the clubs they want and if it’s awkward having your SILs children sitting around not having fun that’s on them.

Time to break patterns of behaviour, it may be too late for your DH to shake off those chains but don’t let him train your children into the same sort of compliance