MIL is too much

[OneBrightCrow]

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

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There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

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A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

If I were in this situation, I'd either brazen it out and just do my own thing no matter what MIL wanted (as politely as possible), or I just wouldn't go at all! If you can't do either of those things, then just try and let it wash over you as much as you can.

The grandchildren will want to do their own thing too. Balcony open, no way if husband wants sex tell him. They'll be easy to lose. Entertainment,, meals, you'll all want different things at different times.

No to opening up the balcony or you’ll have zero privacy. Do as many activities as possible, particularly if pil’s mobility isn’t brilliant, get off the ship as often as poss. Meet up for evening meals, I think that’s fairly reasonable, unless it’s 2 weeks, in which case I think you can do your own thing multiple times.

Listen out for the news headline about mojito fuelled mother throws herself overboard...

No, don't throw yourself overboard, launch your MIL off the balcony!

Interestingly I heard that a lot of 'disappearances' take place on cruise ships with the suspicion that said disappearances were suspicious but nothing ever proved....

You do need to stand up to her about the outfits if your DD wants you to though. At her age she should have control/choice over what she wears (within reason obviously) but you shouldn’t be pushing it on to her to be the one to disappoint. That’s not fair.

That said if she doesn’t mind wearing the outfit then all good!

On the cruise, the room attendant will ask you in your room if you want the balcony open or not. They wont take instructions from anothet room. You could use the line 'we don't plan on using the balcony alot as we have children and want to keep our eye on them' 😉

I'm thinking this is the best advice. You could make her bossy behaviour work to your advantage, too. Whilst she is Queen Beeing it and monopolising everyone, you can book yourself some spa treatments, massages, whatever you fancy. You definitely don't have to fall in with her plans, pick the things that suit you. And read that book "Let them" I think it's called.
Bottom line is, she is not going to change, you will have to alter the way you see her, take a relaxed approach, and take advantage to please yourself. Pick your battles. Your DH is in a tricky position.

My life is adjacent to a culture where parents in law or other significant family heads often behave like this and so I am often in similar positions. This is going to be controversial perhaps but the way I make it through unscathed is by leaning in. I am not an equal character in the situation. I am an extra in the other person's show. By having that role in my mind, it is much easier to have a fun time. Because it is working with the way the other person sees things anyway so saving yourself a huge amount of internal frustration. Now I dont mean being a total doormat but just accepting that they dont see you as equal. She considers herself the matriarch and she is paying for the event. In her eyes that give her rights to be overbearing. You've agreed to going, you know what she is like. Don't let her also make you feel like you are in fight mode for the whole trip.

The only thing you listed about the cruise that I'd push back on a little is not also buying your son outfits. Its unkind to leave out one child so I'd get DH to mention that and agree a solution.

I know this approach feels really alien initially but it really does save my sanity. By temporarily changing your expectation of how you should be treated, you'll end up having a nicer time.

With late dh and me it was my mum who was the difficult one. Always has been a nightmare. I was fully on the same page as him about it though.

If you don't want a lifetime of this you're going to have to say something. I couldn't live like this personally.

If it was me I would speak to her about the fact that she booked the holiday without consulting you, mentioning annual leave etc, but would agree to go this time so she didn't lose money (even though it's her own fault).
I would also say I don't want my room to be open to everyone, you need privacy.
I think it's completely overbearing that your holiday activities will be restricted because you are on a "family holiday". You are allowed to have some time to do as you want, this doesn't mean you won't enjoy time together as a family.

The clothes thing would annoy me but out of all of them I'd let that one slide on this occasion and would ask the kids if they want to wear it and if not then I would tell her she's have to put the clothes away, but if she kept treating my kids like dress up dollies in future I'd just tell her to stop. Honestly, life is too short.

Don't confuse her manipulation for "generosity". She obviously likes control over situations and oversteps boundaries. Just because someone has paid for something, you still deserve and RSVP to an invite rather than having the whole thing forced on you. If you refused to go and she lost some money over it, the fault would be hers not yours.

I'd give her a year to overall change her behaviour towards me/see some improvement, otherwise I would reduce contact. If she wants to see the kids, husband can deal with it outside of my house for the most part.

This is hilarious! 😆

Another option is to just act as if you think they're doing you a huge favour with childcare every time they're controlling.
MIL: the kids have to wear these dresses for dinner!
YOU: omg thanks MIL I didn't realise you were taking the kids for dinner! That will be so amazing for me and DH to have a date night together! Thanks so much! (runs out the door)
MIL: We have to do this activity I've planned as a family!
YOU: omg thanks so much MIL for taking the kids! I'm off to the spa! (runs out the door)
Run the scenario a few times and every time she issues orders just willfully misinterpret it as her offering to do all the hard work. If she objects just act confused ("but if you're not the one taking them to dinner why are you choosing what they wear?" "But if you're not offering to do childcare why are you picking the activity?"), and back her into an awkward corner - if she doesn't object you get some time to yourself. Works either way.

All I can say is good luck...

Approach the most undesirable passenger and bung him some cash to shove her overboard....
You can mentally imagine doing this whenever you see her....
If your holidays usually include some Private Time ensure dh knows this will only be on the cards if that door is locked or it's a def no no...

I don’t know how to do this but I would try and get hold of someone at the cruise company and ask if they can please deliberately give your room or better still MIL’s room to someone else maybe upgrade her if thats possible for your sanity and MIL’s sanity to avoid the access to all rooms.

I would go along with the kids outfits but I would also ensure I book some nice treats for myself during the cruise i.e. massages, facials, things with both of your DD DH can play mummies boy if he wants etc.

Are you not disappointed in your DH? Several people heard the comment. What action did he take?

All your focus is incorrectly on your MIL rather than your waste of space spineless 'D'H.

i would let some of it go. The balconies, absolutely not, and if there is an issue send both DC into their cabin a couple of times at 5am and then shut that shit down.

Outfits? I'd indulge her with one or two, max. I would ask though - now before the trip, what she has got for your son. I - because i am a gobby pusher back - would say "DD will wear an outfit only on the days you provide an outfit for DS". That seems reasonable to any normal person. Your DD is not a doll. (am assuming she is DS granny rather than step granny?)

Activities. No. Again, pick your battles but make full use of the activities available for small children. Say, mornings doing DC things, afternoons / evenings doing family stuff mostly.

YANBU but if no backing from H you’re on to a losing situation. So probably suck it up this time and try to enjoy your holiday without tension ….. and console yourself that it’s never going to happen again - next time dig your heels in from the start.

@OneBrightCrow sorry but this would make me lose my rag completely!! she cannot tell you what clothes to put on your daughter, she cannot tell you what to do onboard a ship and take not of this Balcony dividers are usually controlled by a partition that can be opened by the stateroom attendant upon request. slip the attendant 50 pounds and tell him to state that the partition is broken if it operates via electonics or if it is manual, just keep the snib on so it cannot be opened on your side. blame it on the kids!! I would not care if she gets a petted lip and goes off on one. it just makes her look immature! just tell her NO to everying you are not happy with. tell your dh to find his balls and give them a scratch!!

I'd suggest you make maximum use of a positive Covid test.

You feel dreadful. You're sweating, your head is banging and you just want to lie down in a darkened room don't you?

they are massive - loads of rooms to hide - lots of walking from one side to another. Plus phone signal is poor especially at sea. Book all your spas treatments etc on day of booking. Lots of crowds so you can easily loose people too. -Plenty of families on board you and the kids will make friends which "might" derail plans with MIL 😉

absolutely do not open up the balconies OP. You need to have some space of your own and a bit of privacy too. Just get your DH to make an excuse about needing to keep a close eye on the kids/ know where they are etc. failing that keep your door locked!

Take some time to yourself on the cruise, book in a spa treatment with SIL if you get on, and suggest one evening she watches the DC while you and DH have time together (you can even phrase it as "It'll be a good opportunity to use your matching outfit")
Realistically it's annoying but it doesn't really matter what DD wears. I'd only put my foot down with that if DD doesn't like the outfit.
Just make sure the DC have a good time and focus on that over rising to anything.

Oh for goodness sake, it isn't possible for adults to go on cruises against their will. You've chosen to do this, so it is what it is. I'm in awe of any mother who has the energy to get het up because an 8 year old was given a dress by her granny.