MIL is too much

[OneBrightCrow]

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

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There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

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A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

Tell dh the door staying locked is non negotiable.. And mean it.
Dd can choose her own outfits surely?
Sit as far from mil at all meal l times.

I'd get sick the night before the cruise and send of DH with both children and enjoy some free time at home alone.

I agree with the nod, smile, non-committal response and doing your own thing anyway approach.

Don't get sucked into her drama, let it wash over you.

Pick your battles. It really doesn't matter what your daughter wears. Allow that

Balcony ..no .. where is your voice ! Say no sorry I value our privacy. When everyone is out on the balconies then they can be opened but you won't use them much anyway you'll be out doing things.

I think I'm definitely becoming more this way.

frustratingly it's a trip that we had booked (as a family of 4) for 2021, but with Covid it got cancelled and they couldn't honour the booking price so we couldn't afford it when cruises started up again.

so it's a trip we really wanted to do... but on our own terms.

maybe it won't be so bad. DH is adamant that on our days off the ship we'll get time alone as we like to be active but his parents mobility isn't great... but I'll believe it when i see it.

That all sounds stifling.

I’d let your daughter choose what she wants to wear (I’m almost certain it won’t be any of Granny’s outfits). I’d also keep an eye MIL trying to exert control over your DD in general.

Shut down any talk of opening up your balcony to allow everyone access. You need to be able to retreat to your own space when on a big family holiday and you’re also entitled to privacy whether she’s footing the bill or not. You need to make sure your DH is firmly on your side with this.

As far as the dress thing goes, get dd to try it on and then send a photo to all attending of dd in her dress saying how excited you all are to be going and that this is the dress dd is planning to wear for the formal dinner and she is excited about that and has lined up all her “outfits” in preparation for the trip. 😈

I think having made the mistake of agreeing to the cruise in the first place, you now need to channel the bloke up thread - let it wash over you, be polite, but suit yourself. Don't give this too much headspace in advance, just an attitude shift.. No one can make you open up your balcony, your DD can wear what she wants which will naturally lead to some and some, you can do your own activities on the ship sometimes, invite them then just crack on regardless, etc.

PIL live at the opposite end of the country, and they are lovely but do tend to bulldoze and infantilise us a bit. They once suggested visiting us for an unspecified weekend - they visit several times a year - and we said yes but let us get back to you on dates as we have some plans. The next day they had bought non refundable train tickets, and called DH to tell him the dates. It clashed with a a trip we had planned but not actually booked for my birthday and which had to be that weekend. DH's face when he realised 😂 Anyway, to his credit after only a slight hesitation he told them those dates wouldn't work, and stuck to it. This incident marked a change in the way they organised things with us, and it's been for the better. I hope your husband finds his voice soon.

Refuse to open up the balcony, I didnt even know you could do this but maybe whatever it takes to do so is jammed/ broken.

Encourage daughter to wear one of grannies dresses, maybe do this every other day. It's not a big thing unless she hates the clothes - if she does take a photo then she can change into something she prefers.

Excursions can get booked up so leave booking late so there are not places for all of you or send dh off and you and the kids head somewhere else.

I guarantee this woman will lose all interest in you once your daughter is old enough to forcefully disagree with her.

I think if she’s paying for it all just grin and bear it this time and then never go on holiday with her ever again!

I doubt anyone other than the lead name can switch rooms.
However, if the balconies have been opened up (didn't know this was possible?), tell the cabin steward to secure them.

I really like this concept and if she really gets awful (say level 9.5) you can let Mil in on the concept and really blow her mind. I also think its worth being clear with you MIL that your child is not a doll and while as a parent, its your right to approve what she chooses to wear, the choice is hers and she is not expected to wear what is sprung on her or to go around looking like an extra from The Shining.

Say you don't want to go and he's not taking how this affects you seriously enough and he needs to tell her or you won't be going.

You are sick of being disrespected by her AND him.

Say it and MEAN it.

Otherwise you are a doormat.

Line in sand moment.

one strategy is to do your family time first thing in the morning every day. So set out swiftly for breakfast and an activity then catch up with the others mid morning. This can keep your family centred, stop the resentment building due to lack of freedom. You could choose another tome
of day such as when MIL settles somewhere with a drink head off for an hour. It’s about pacing yourself.

There is a lot of benefit to an extended family that get along/don’t fight so I wouldn’t blow this up if I could avoid it but find ways to water it down.

Don’t open the balcony unless you are sitting there you need to know where your kids are at all
times on a cruise ship.

I think the big problem you've got it your DH doesn't agree with you. It's not a case of he can't stand up to his Mum - it's he agrees with her rather than you or just doesn't agree with you and thinks it's not a big deal.

I agree with what others have said - pick your battles. Let your daughter choose what she wants to wear but I'd definitely be saying no to opening up the balconies.

Email booking company to see if your cabin can be changed to a different one away from the other 2. Don't mention doing this to your MIL or DH.
If not and your MIL manages to get the cabin steward to unlock balcony just have a quiet word with steward (again, don't try and convince MIL or DH) to get it locked again and stress that it must remain locked for safety.
Go with past suggestions of taking children to an activity but will join them for lunch/dinner.
Allow daughter to choose clothes but be prepared to back her if there's nothing she wants to wear from MIL collection whilst also going along with her choice if she does.
Vallium!
Alcohol!
In future, you are always busy.

I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed about this. But you know there are issues, so if I were you I’d just let them wash over me. To be honest, we go on holiday with really dear, close friends and we still annoy the hell out of each other at times. Actually DH can get on my wick at times too! There’s an inbuilt stress level in holidays.

I couldn’t get upset about the dresses unless DD hated it. Could be cute? I’d listen to suggestions, evaluate them fairly and then either opt in or out. If DH is so keen, let him take the kids whilst you take a break? Obs the opening the balconies thing is insane and I’d just make a joke of it and say ‘ no one wants to see me first thing in the morning’.

Go determined not to take offence. My MIL was difficult but I dealt with it by shrugging things off, laughing at the insults (‘I can’t believe you said that MIL - it’s so rude’) and realising it was my DH’s mum - if she’d made the man I love, she couldn’t be all bad.

I have a picture in my mind of MIL trying to climb over a closed balcony screen, but not quite making it ..........

Christ. She sounds insufferable. Don’t agree to another family holiday with her. I certainly wouldn’t.

Agree. "Wake me up when it's all over" 🫣😣

this sounds awful!

Just chuck her overboard on the first day.

Just been checking and apparently only some balconies can be opened. Promise the steward a big tip if yours is one that cant be opened.

We done quite a few cruises with family, yes we open up balcony dividing doors, but you can still lock the cabin sliding door and close the curtains, we tell relatives to use the cabin phone to call first, it’s free. Have you booked any excursions I would just for your family in the daytime that you know your MIL cannot do. We sit down and decide between us what we are going to do at each port. Are your DC intending going to the kids clubs, that way you should get some alone time, maybe tell anyone that you are going to the gym and go and do what you like.