Sons boyfriend ruining our holiday

[SummerHolidayys]

DS is 21, his bf is 19 (turning 20 during this trip). They've been dating for about a year and to be honest I don't know much about him. He's not very talkative and while I have tried it doesn't really go anywhere

His BF is has MH issues. We're currently away in Spain. We got here Sunday. Since then there's been nothing but problems with bf, complaining about the food even food I've seen him eat, pizza etc he doesn't want or like apparently.

He's been overly touchy and kissing with DS in front of us (me, DD, my sister & her children) and DS hasn't said anything but I can tell he looks uncomfortable.

He's taken a dislike to DD for some reason and told DS she threatened him, she's 14 and didn't witness this but I doubt she did. He just seems generally in a mood, doesn't want to go anywhere. DS kindly asked if he'd taken his meds and he started shouting at him and took it as an insult.

There's more but I don't want to make this too long. I wish I hadn't let him come now, I want to go home early.

Plus she's risking her relationship with her daughter for not doing more to protect her from this shithead.

Exactly.

I assume DS said he wouldn’t come if bf didn’t and forced his attendance while now arguing he doesn’t like strangers.

it’s bloody bizarre and unfair on everyone. Stop bringing unsociable STRANGERS on your family holidays. Parents need to start pushing back against your adult children. They will not die if they spend 7 days away from their human mollusc.

@SummerHolidayys this young lad is an attention seeker, whether he’s on meds or not. He’s trying to assert some sort of dominance over you where your son is concerned. I’d have packed his bags by now. I know your son has his own mind but you’d do very well to try to steer him away from this wanker.

How comfortable would your son feel if you and your husband really got down with the PDA? It’s about general adult politeness.

Personally, I would take a firm but direct and fair approach. If you send them both home now you will be portrayed as the bad guy though in this.

If the boyfriend’s birthday is Friday I suspect he will be looking forward to it. So today /early tomorrow is time for a conversation and a reset before Friday to clear the air. I would lay out the facts: you’ve paid a lot for the holiday, it doesn’t feel like they are enjoying it, it feels like there’s been a lot of drama and it is affecting everyone’s enjoyment, what are the ground rules for the last few days, now let’s plan your big day (play to the ego) etc etc.

If the BF doesn’t like socialising why the fuck did he come on a family holiday!
Do not do anything for BF birthday, just a lacklustre happy birthday will do! He is deliberately spoiling the holiday and making everyone feel uncomfortable because he knows you won’t call him out on it! He’s made trouble between your DD and son! Don’t invite them out, tell them your plans only, let them do their own thing.

I would absolutely not be rewarding this insufferable brat of a man with a birthday celebration! OP's DS and the BF can sort something out if he wants to celebrate. I'm sure the cheeky fucker will be moaning that nobody is making an effort for him, and if they do make an effort, it will be wrong in some way, so he'll moan anyway. OP can't win, so shouldn't try to play his game.

A good bday present would be tickets home as he’s clearly happier there.

I know a couple who ran a school holiday venture type place and if they saw teens PDA - they would literally stop and start snogging - it didi the trick - you should try it!!

He sounds controlling

I’m guessing DS loves his BF and if he sees this as a forever relationship wanted to start integrating him into his whole family and life, he probably thought you all getting to know each other relaxing in holiday would be a really good way to do that. BF sounds really insecure, in most circumstances and social situations he is your DS significant other, the most important person around. All of a sudden he is here with all of these other people deeply connected to DS (BF probably doesn’t have or emotionally understand similar deep links). He feels threatened, probably jeolous and he is trying to mark out his territory and superior claim with DS, the love bites are particularly telling. DS knows and loves him and probably sees this struggle and how unhappy BF is, he is probably feeling bad for him rather than annoyed for you. You are all treating the BF as some temporary person in DS life an irritation for this holiday, but if he is going to be a permanent fixture in DS life you will have to find a real way to make him feel unthreatened, valued and welcome in your family or you will lose your son.

Hope you're planning something special for his birthday tomorrow. Perhaps a ritual sacrifice, chanting the words "On this day you were born, and on this day... you DIE..."

You are all treating the BF as some temporary person in DS life an irritation for this holiday, but if he is going to be a permanent fixture in DS life you will have to find a real way to make him feel unthreatened, valued and welcome in your family or you will lose your son.

They have paid for him to be on their - much looked forward to and potentially last - whole family holiday. And they have been tiptoeing around his food preferences and accommodating his moods. Exactly what else are they supposed to do for this grown man? And why should they be bending over backwards even more to facilitate a relationship that has red flags of abusive behaviour planted all over it?

@TiredOldHen

”…you will have to find a real way to make him feel unthreatened, valued and welcome in your family or you will lose your son”

I think op have been more than accommodating. For a start, they paid for the holiday, food, days out and have included him in everything, and in reply, bf has been ungrateful, controlling with bf, and intimidating to dd. I agree that ds may side with bf, but hopefully he’ll see the light.

Book him a flight home immediately and pack him off. Ask your son is he wants to go with him or stay. If your son is defending him, send both their sorry arses home.

The overly kissy stuff is horrible for everyone as well, regardless of sexuality, it’s performative and insensitive.

He is ruining the holiday for everyone, especially your poor DD. Bin him off and salvage your holiday.

The best you can do is have your holiday. Tell them your plans and times and invite them and just say they're both welcome.

DS will likely stay with BF but it will highlight to your son how miserable he is with the BF 24/7 being difficult and compare it seeing you all come home happy. It sows the seed that he isn't happy with BF and I expect he may reconsider the relationship if left to it.

Oh well OP, lesson learned. DS and his BF can organise their own holidays in future.

🙄

This, do this. Weird the little fucker out. I would.

Well said @Heresmycontroversialopinion

And the idea that this creep should be treated as a ‘forever’ partner or ‘permanent fixture’ is nauseating.

I think OP has been very generous and patient, but thing is, it doesn’t matter how OP sees BF. I get that he sounds like a really annoying weirdo and that DS could do so much better, all that matters is how DS sees him. I think most of us have looked at a loved one’s partner and been completely baffled or even horrified by the relationship and attraction. I know a few seemingly incompatible couples who I thought would split up decades ago but for some reason stick together. I also know that in my experience, males tend to side with their partners over parents. Not saying it’s fair, just that OP should think long term

Even if BF does become a 'forever' fixture that doesn't mean OP has to go on holiday with the creepy little twat ever again. In 20 years of marriage we never holidayed with either set of parents, and I would be wary of holidaying with a partner of DS's In future.

Holidays are expensive, selfishly I want to do what I want on holiday and get maximum relaxation, and other people are bloody annoying. We went to stay with a 'friend' of DH once, who lived on the Côte d'Azur. It was the most stressful two weeks of my life, I swore I'd never do it again (although I've been back to the Côte d'Azur many times since, bloody love it there).

A significant number of Mumsnet threads are about the trials and traumas of multigenerational holidays. Just don't do it!

You are all treating the BF as some temporary person in DS life an irritation for this holiday, but if he is going to be a permanent fixture in DS life you will have to find a real way to make him feel unthreatened, valued and welcome in your family or you will lose your son.

If the bf is going to be more of a permanent fixture than the effort has to work two ways. Right now ds and bf are both behaving like brats and being disrespectful to OP. They are not mindful that this is a family holiday and adjusted their behaviour to reflect this. They have made little effort to integrate with the family and quite frankly sound ungrateful for a free holiday which OP has worked hard for. OP has been a saint about this and demonstrating a huge amount of tolerance.

A 21 year old should be on holiday with his friends

Not on a family holiday

Why? My kids are more than welcome to to come with us, I enjoy their company and actually like spending time with them. I hope they enjoy holidaying with us too.

do people really say to their kids sorry love but you’re 18 now, sort your own holiday because you’re not coming with us…

I mean I’m 50 and planning a holiday with my mum next year.

age doesn’t exclude you from family.

You ate NOT enjoying the holiday though

How’s it going @SummerHolidayys - I hope that things have calmed down - and you are getting to enjoy some precious holiday time with your DD.