Sons boyfriend ruining our holiday

[SummerHolidayys]

DS is 21, his bf is 19 (turning 20 during this trip). They've been dating for about a year and to be honest I don't know much about him. He's not very talkative and while I have tried it doesn't really go anywhere

His BF is has MH issues. We're currently away in Spain. We got here Sunday. Since then there's been nothing but problems with bf, complaining about the food even food I've seen him eat, pizza etc he doesn't want or like apparently.

He's been overly touchy and kissing with DS in front of us (me, DD, my sister & her children) and DS hasn't said anything but I can tell he looks uncomfortable.

He's taken a dislike to DD for some reason and told DS she threatened him, she's 14 and didn't witness this but I doubt she did. He just seems generally in a mood, doesn't want to go anywhere. DS kindly asked if he'd taken his meds and he started shouting at him and took it as an insult.

There's more but I don't want to make this too long. I wish I hadn't let him come now, I want to go home early.

And the over the top affection in public seems like a control thing to me.

I really would pull DS aside and talk to him about the whole thing and check hes ok

Lots of people can become arseholes on holiday. He’s probably hugely out of comfort zone and feeling anxious

not excusing his behaviour. He sounds awful

can you suck it up for a few more days? Hopefully this has put your son right off

A 14 year old girl threatening a 19 year old bloke?

What does he think she's going to do?!

Seriously he needs to grow up.

Mental health is not the issue here. It's a bad attitude.

ammunitions* (stupid autocorrect 😅)

He’s an adult OP just send him home.

You’re only there a short time and I’m assuming it’s cost you a few quid. Bollocks to him, go in swiftly and nip it in the bud. You don’t have time to tip-toe around him. Tell him if he’s not happy he can either go home, or keep out of everyone’s way.

your own sulky teenagers are bad enough on holiday, let alone someone else’s ungrateful little squirt trying to ruin it and be the centre of attention. Good on your 14 year old if she has threatened him if he’s being a twat.

We're here til next Tuesday eve so still a week yet. I know technically I don't have to pay for DS let alone his bf. DS finished uni this year and realistically this may be the last summer holiday he wants to come on/can come on depending on work commitments etc. His bf was also in uni, but he dropped out last year a month into his 2nd year and hasn't done anything since.

He just blames his mental health etc, to the poster earlier asking if he's autistic I'm not sure. Possibly? But also possibly not. For the pizza example, he refused to eat it because it had herbs on but he eats a pizza v similar to that at ours and he ordered it himself. He refused to eat chicken because it might've been poisoned (his words). He's just been eating chips and very few of them too. He eats maybe 5 then complains they're too salty/taste weird. He's been the same with drinks, he ordered a coke with ice specifically then complained it was too cold. Eating out just isn't a pleasant experience in general.

I do have concerns about the relationship in general, he seemed to be doing well mentally for a while and I don't know if he's stopped taking his meds or he's just attention seeking but prior to the trip he was telling DS he wanted to die. I don't know if this was to be manipulative or genuine. I did try and speak to DS that I was worried and he sort of brushed it off. I did think this holiday would be positive though but now I'm counting down the days until we go home

What is his mental illness? From the paranoia (and possible delusions) you mention, it sounds a bit like schizophrenia. Putting someone like that in a completely unfamiliar environment, if he's not taking his meds, might result in him perceiving everything as hostile/poisoned.

Agree that you need to have a chat with your son. It doesn't sound like much fun for him either.

I do get the “make him go home” comments but I’d be concerned as PPs said that it will play right into his hands. I’d be worried this is a very unhealthy relationship.

I know it’s hard but I really think your best bet would be to try and act calm and unbothered. “Oh you don’t like this pizza? That’s a shame. I think there’s a shop down the road if you want to go pick up something else for yourself.”

”You don’t want to play the board game? No worries. See you later” (then focus on having a great time with DD)

I really think the best bet is to kill him with politeness and be very unmoved by any of his attempts to rattle you. Kind but not pandering. I’d make sure you’re still being really upbeat and chatty with DS too.

It makes it harder for things to be twisted later. He ends up making himself look unreasonable. The drama gets taken out of it and hopefully DS will start coming to the conclusion himself that he’d have enjoyed the holiday a lot more with just his family. He might even start feeling a bit left out when he sees the rest of the family having fun while he’s dealing with a moody partner.

The only thing I would be firm on is any nastiness towards your DD and that not being acceptable.

Gah, how horrid for you all.

Would he be more comfortable if you made separate dinner plans? Maybe they stay in and get something on their own?

If bf has anxiety and is self conscious/ being around others makes it worse, then I'd leave them to it as much as possible.

Such a shame though.

All of this.

Two separate things - rudeness and difficult behaviour as a guest on a family holiday is appalling. But it must be heartbreaking to be worrying about whether your son is truly happy with someone who may be manipulative or domineering, regardless of their sex. The performative PDAs are gross and sound like ‘ownership’ signals.

It’s curious that the BF’s mental health is so poor that it prevents him from working or studying but he feels able to complain and try to call the shots since you arrived at the airport. Something is not adding up…

What is not adding up is where when confronted with bad entitled behaviour we now have to ask whether the person is schizophrenic, bi-polar or autistic.

Have you got the money to suggest you book him a ticket home. He might like to go and you could enjoy your last week. It's a long time to put up with that kind of behaviour.

All his carry on when eating out sounds like pure attention seeking. I would give him barely any response…

”I can’t eat this pizza, it’s got herbs on it”
”Ok”

”These chips taste wierd”
”Ok”

”This coke is too cold”
”…”

Crack on with whatever you’d usually do on holiday as if he’s not there. Include your DS, the boyfriend can either tag along, or not. I guess you’ve got to hope that it will be an eye opener for your DS

For someone supposedly too unwell to attend uni or work he’s quite assertively vocal and about his displeasure on a free holiday on your dime.

I meant to add, I’d have a quiet word with DS and ask if he’s OK. And then ask him why he thinks BF doesn’t seem to be having a good time.

Also, I think I'd speak to him. Maybe with your son there, but no one else (so he cannot twist your words).

I'd mention that you've noticed he has been airing a few concerns. And whilst you are sorry he has struggled with the food, you'd love it if there was something you could do so that he was a bit happier. Because the negativity is impacting the whole family and has to stop. So maybe you could take him to the supermarket to find some food he is more comfortable with? Or he can agree with DS where they will eat.

As per PP, kill him with kindness. But also acknowledge the impact his behaviour is having.

This is a deeply unpopular thing to say, but some people experiencing poor mental health become entirely self centred, unable to view anything from another POV. He needs to hear that other people are being affected by his actions and that is not fair.

I suggested schizophrenia because I once knew someone like this. He genuinely believed that the most bizarre things were happening around him.

OP mentions that he has "MH problems" and that her son comments that he might not be taking his meds, but the spectrum is very wide and it would be a good idea to narrow it down a bit so that she at least has some idea what she's dealing with.

Of course he might just be an arsehole! Or an arsehole with schizophrenia (like the guy I knew...) 🤡

The food issues and him getting anxious about flight delays etc..etc.. sounds like possible ASD, it maybe why he’s struggling with life and his mental health. Saying that….he’s not your DS’s responsibility and he probably should have thought about ‘how he would cope’ before agreeing to come.

Your DS is 21, I wouldn’t expect him to take part in everything you are doing, maybe just let them get on with their own things so you can enjoy your holiday? Maybe after the holiday your DS will realise how much hard work his boyfriend is and will step away?

It sounds coercive and like he’s trying to spoil the holiday for your DS as part of manipulative and controlling behaviour.

Difficult one. I'd be inclined to ask son to .ake separate dinner plans for a break! Spend the least amount of time with them. Ask son not to be so passionate around family I.e. love bites!

You can't 'fix' the BF or his issues, and it's your DS's choice to be with him. Your DS and his BF are both adults. I'd just leave them to have "their" holiday and the rest of you have yours. Enjoy yourselves, perhaps seeing how things can be will open your DS's eyes a little.....

He's been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and takes antidepressants although as DS asked if he’d taken his meds and how defensive he got, maybe he hasn't been.

Sunday evening, DD, DS and bf were outside by the pool. DS came in for a few minutes and then bf came in and told him DD threatened him. According to him she told him to leave DS alone or she’d chuck him in the pool and make him regret it. DD says she didn't day that and I do believe her even though I wasn't there to witness it. unfortunately, it was just the 2 of them so it's a “he said, she said” situation. He says he doesn't feel safe around her because she'll hurt him and she's the reason he doesn't want to do anything

I will talk to DS, thank you everyone.

This exactly . They are adults why are you spending so much time with them ?

What a most ridiculous question!

Has your daughter not confronted him about the accusations?