DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

[CoralSea]

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

Oh my word OP.
This is sounding worse and worse.
I agree with pps saying he is leaving you.
I have a good friend whose ex did this. He used her for a few years when he needed a corporate wife. Then when he got his promotions and made his enormous salary, he worked abroad for longer and longer periods till he was away for 51 weeks a year, bought several properties, lived with his other woman, leaving his wife and child short of money and managing alone. For 20 years.
I think you should be collecting and collating all the financial info you can lay your hands on. Separate finances is a huge red flag. I am so sorry.

Get some legal advice OP. My friend did get the family home and maintenance until her child finished university. If your DC have SEN surely there must be a legal obligation on him to support them?
If he buys a property then he can't say he has nowhere to live.

The problem Op is that if appears that your dh is gradually checking out of family life ,therefore your home may be at risk.
In his mind he is earning most of the money so you should just keep quiet and get on with it.
This is what happens when women take on all the burden of family life
It is galling that the woman is expected to sacrifice her life while the man gets to pretend to be a bachelor .
He is extremely selfish .
I bet that he will suddenly be too busy to have the dcs at the weekend

He sounds financially abusive.

Him preventing you hiring a cleaner, in your family’s circumstances, is beyond the pale.

Im glad you’ve found a way to be content with what sounds like a pretty awful situation.

However… just remember this contentment is totally reliant on his goodwill. He is clearly setting up to leave you which will almost certainly lead to you having to sell the house anyway. So just think about if you can wrestle some control back before it’s too late.

If he insists on keeping everything separate I would invoice him for childcare costs.

You have to make it work. Maybe hire someone to help with housework or driving kids around. You’ll have to figure out a plan that works.

What are his plans every weekend exactly?! Sit and relax from further weekday evening relaxing whilst you do everything at home?!?! Screw that. I’d be demanding he comes home! My husband worked overseas a lot when our children were young but he was put on duty as soon as he was home. You need the support - don’t let him opt out.

He's leaving you in plain sight OP, without having to stump up for the divorce settlement. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but the fact that you have to ask him for permission to spend anything, can't buy in household or respite help that you sound like you really need and in the centre of this is him suggesting he gets a bachelor pad of his very own at a significant distance away and won't commit to coming home every weekend?

Can you see what this looks like? I would seek legal advice regardless, and make moves to protect yourself financially as far as possible.

Buying in support for the tasks somebody else can do, like a cleaner would free up some of your time to care for the children / have a break.

Assuming your husband is caring but clueless, the rules need to change when he's away from that much and he needs to be funding things like that because you really don't have plenty of time.

You may not be able to find people who can confidently care for your children by themselves but you may find childcare students willing to come and spend a couple of hours caring for them with you at not too great a cost.

Your husband also needs to be thinking about flexible work arrangements ie a nine day fortnight where he can get three days at home or early finishes on Fridays/ late starts on Mondays with him doing additional hours during the week. It's hard to know if he should negotiate them now or in 6 months time but I can see why 8 hours of driving each weekend isn't appealing. Worth looking at whether doing it by train would help - if he can travel and work on a laptop etc.

Your older child should consider 'young carers' + siblings services - even if they're not doing that much caring, it still counts. There should be support availability from universities as well as schools/colleges + whatever local carers service is in place.

You say there is no other option but there is… wait it out and find somewhere closer for him to work. Tap up recruitment consultants and do everything he can to get a nearer to home job. I couldn’t imagine why you’d choose this. Even no pay for a couple of months would be preferable to me than this. Even if it diminishes your savings.

All well and good but you aren’t the only party with a vote.

He’s checking out of your relationship. It won’t be long before he’s barely home at all.

My DH would never tell me he couldn’t come home to help with out two disabled children because he needed to unwind.

And before you say I don’t know, I do because I have two children with EHCPs in specialist settings.

So what happens if he decides he wants a divorce? He’ll get to just leave, and take the money and house and you’ll be fucked.

You say this is the only option and I get that. But be prepared for a really tough time because of the man your husband appears to be.

What kind of man behaves like this? Keeping money separate and wanting his wife who he’s supposed to love be worked into the ground?

I work nearly full time now in a well paid job because at no point during our parenthood journey did my DH decide it was all my responsibility.

I do see this but as others have said, what happens if he enjoys the single life or gets his head turned in the new job- you’ll be in a pickle anyway if he wants to separate/ divorce anyway? Incidentally if you’re the carer and the kids (with SEN) are still at home, plus he’s able to generate a decent salary, I think you’d have a decent chance of keeping the house (at least until the kids are much older) keeping the DLA/ benefits and getting some maintenance which you could then use for some respite. And I very much doubt he’d be going for 50/50 custody, it sounds like you’d be having to twist his arm to take the kids at all. Would it be worth a meeting with a solicitor to see where you’d stand?

If you stick to your guns now though, cause a fuss and insist upon the basics before he takes the wretched job, like some help (respite/ cleaner etc), access to some savings etc at least you’ll be hopefully improving your situation in the meantime. And he might develop a bit more respect for you.

Ah, so you're in a financially abusive relationship. That makes it clearer. What a shitty man you are married to. How dare he say you don't work that hard? Could I hazard a guess that he is from a culture which doesn't value women..........

I would get some legal advice, and see if you can go online and find your way into any of the joint accounts/find any records around the house. Basically this is heading one of two ways - divorce, or he continues to walk all over you for eternity.

There are no joint account. Only sole accounts in his name, and some in my name.

My DH was also made redundant just before he was 50, not unexpectedly as he worked in an industry where the flow of work wasn’t regular. It took him a while to get a job and he got a good job on an island off the south coast.
His travel was paid for along with some subsistence designed to help with rent. In fact there was a fair amount of cheap property there so we extended our mortgage and used his allowance to buy a small convenient flat. He came home on Fridays and normally left on Sunday evening, unless he was needed there over the weekend.
The travelling was a pain for him and it was fairly tough for me as we have four DC, the youngest was around 10 at this time, but there was no other employment and we’d almost run out of redundancy payment. He enjoyed the work there which lasted more than three years and we made a 50% profit on the flat which he renovated.
The next job was in the West Country near to where we have a holiday home so he had somewhere to live.
Either we went to stay there or he came home at weekends. This job lasted until he was ready to take retirement and the mortgage was paid, again he was made redundant which suited us fine. We downsized at that stage and helped the children buy homes.
I didn’t much like coping with the children alone, particularly as we had quite a few exams over this time, but we thought it was worth it to get the house paid off.
He’s often worked abroad during his working life, but normally just for 1-3 months at a time so I knew I could manage being a single mother much of the time.
You’ll get used to it @CoralSea and it’s possible that he’ll find another job nearer home in time.

Honestly, I would divorce him - as you'll be entitled to half of all your joint assets and you'll be free.

Had no choice but to do this for nearly a decade with long distance short term roles. I ended more than break even over time as despite staying in the cheapest place possible and most fuel efficient car. Certainly better than unemployed or in poverty. Plus side I gained experience, was always able to keep the family afloat until I bagged a good remote role.
Minuses - my partner had so much of the family load, me missing out on quality time.
Verdict- got no choice really

I’ve not read all the replies but I have two children that are 20 months apart in age. My husband has always worked away. At one point he was only home once every three weeks for about 48 hours.
You will manage. Find your own routine for when he is away. Do what you find suits you and the children in this new family form. When your husband is home, make the most of it and have a fun family time. You will get through it.
Good luck.

Hello,

First of all I want to start by saying my circumstances were different, I only had one child with no additional needs but I found it so much easier when her dad worked away. Everything ran smoothly because it was my way or no way. We were more settled with no interference. It just felt a lot more relaxed & I really struggled with him being home. We did 2 weekends a month at home & managed fine. I also worked full time so appreciate I wasnt home to make mess & my DC was at a childminder. But it really was okay, we did it for 7 years.

Honestly, none of this sounds doable and I would be wary of this being a sideways step to leaving you.
although maybe having his income coming into the household even if he isn’t there, is preferable to him leaving totally.

Hey OP, reading your posts has me very worried about you, you sound so down and lost with the pressures of caring for your children and I know what that can feel like.

I’m a single parent to 3 disabled children, one with and EHCP in place and one currently going through the process, and I have no family support, so I know it’s hard and tiring without support.

practical questions

do you get DLA for your children?

If you do, do you get Carer’s allowance for looking after your children?

have you looked into Universal Credit and what financial support would be available to you if you split from your husband?

from your posts your husband sounds like he’s checking out of the responsibility to parent and to be a husband, the intention not to come home as often as possible is worrying, so maybe it’s time for you to do some research and see how things would be if you were properly separated, rather than him just living somewhere else, because you might find that you have more money to support your family with if you call it a day with him properly and in doing that you might be able to buy in support that makes life easier and happier for you.

This.

Then you fund him an equal job in the area.

OP if the marriage is over then let him go but do not live frugally to feather his nest.
Get a cleaner, online grocery shopping, a good allowance for lifestyle choices for you and the children.
I wish you well x