DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

[CoralSea]

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

@CoralSea I agree with this poster and then some. Having read your updates, it's my opinion that even if he hadn't checked out from parenting to any meaningful degree, and/or your marriage when you both discussed about what to do about this new job, it didn't take him long to realise that he will be able to live like a single guy and the not coming home every weekend is a symptom of that realisation.

Even if he hasn't yet completely checked out of the marriage, it's inevitable he will. If he's not already having an affair, it will happen once he is living away and not coming home every weekend.

I suspect that this is way of leaving you. He'll gradually come home less and less and then he'll say it's not working. Or maybe you will and then he's not the bad one.

I am so, so sorry, but this absolutely has disaster written all over it.

What are your thoughts on officially separating from him? Taking this current (frankly deal-breaking) situation out of the equation, he strikes me as a partner who doesn’t add much to your quality of life or bring any joy. Do love and respect him? Are you happy with life with him?

I'm so sorry OP as I understand the fights you've had with EHCP and respite etc and I fully understand why you can't entertain moving the DC to a new school I'm in a similar situation regarding schools myself but I already solo parent and their sperm donor hasn't seen them in 18 months (his choice) I'd love to give you something positive here but I think the best thing you can do for yourself mentally is start preparing to be a solo parent. If we are wrong and DH does do everything to get home at every opportunity then fantastic but if he has checked out and is coming back rarely then you'll already be mentally solo parenting and not expecting a break/help and whilst that's hard, really fucking hard, in some ways it's actually easier knowing that it's all on you as you don't have to deal with having expectations that are constantly let down.
I also fully understand you not wanting to go to battle for respite/disability social worker again, its utterly draining and there are so so so many hoops you have to jump through, however I do think its something to have in your back pocket as a possibility to try again once your circumstances change and you become a solo parent, hopefully just during weekdays obviously but potentially full time, as this may change things significantly and you may find more help available than you did previously.
Please look into ensuring you are getting everything you are entitled to financially once DH moves out as whilst it will still all be on you, if you aren't having to scrape by financially that can relieve a little bit of the pressure.
I really hope that I've got this wrong and DH will prioritise you and the DC and continue trying to find work in the area you currently live in so this is a temporary situation for you but temporary or permanent please try to get even just a few minutes each day for yourself, even just a quiet cup of tea with no one needing you can help keep you sane and please see your GP as they can also help get support in place and signpost you to groups you might not be aware of, be it physical groups for you and the DC to attend or even online support for carers to talk to people who get it.
It's going to be an adjustment but having the right mindset and the right support can and does make all the difference. There's nobody that can mind my two SEN DC either so if they are not in school they are with me so I do get it and I'm not saying support is out there in the way other PPs might be, it really is out there for parents like us so please seek it out and use it.

I think this is a good thing, surely?

Get a cleaner if you need to

This opened my eyes in shock. Or not so much. If he works Mon-Fri he can use the weekend as downtime. He doesn't need an entire weekend to concentrate on the job. I work with some very skilled people and none of them behave like this. What does he actually plan on doing in those days and with who.

You need to put the skids under this before it starts. He needs to support you and be part of the team.

How is it a good thing?

Have you actually read the thread?

It's not just as simple as getting a cleaner, although on MN that seems to be the answer to most problems.

So he gets to increase all your outgoings and create a haven of solitude and tranquility 4 hours away because 'sharing's not for him' whole you're stuck at home caring for his kids 24/7, working, unable to justify money on respite, and with an unreliable old car?

I bet if he had a room in a busy house share he wouldn't need weekends to 'concentrate' - he's basically moving out and trying to make you grateful for being left to it!

Are you claiming DLA for your children? This is exactly the sort of thing that benefit should be used on. You can also use Tax-free childcare if the provider is registered which will save you another 20%.

He doesn’t ‘need’ his own place, or to have weekends alone there. He wants to. Even if these were needs, they are much less important than your three DCs’ pressing needs, the need for DH to be present and parenting for an adequate amount of time, and for you to have some respite.

He’s being extremely selfish at best and executing an exit plan at worst.

@CoralSeaare you listening to all the people who are telling your DH is plotting an exit plan? Who on their right mind would leave their spouse with their eldest who feels neglected and is in his final year of school and two younger sons with SEN?
I mean needs must and take the job 4 hrs away if he wants to but there is no excuse for not coming home at the weekend. He has responsibilities!!!

I think it's an opportunity for (him) to not have to deal with the stresses at home (and some days are really awful with the DC, I am on my knees half of the time) but he will go. I just have to manage somehow.

@CoralSea this is so sad. Please reread what you wrote and tell us whether you would think it sounded reasonable if it had been written by someone else asking you for advice.

You say "he will go". Well, if he has made up his mind to do it then he probably will, but why are you just accepting it and making it as easy and guilt-free for him as possible? Why are you enabling him to free himself from the home stresses by doubling them for you?

If he actually does it, he needs to realise and accept that he is doing it in full awareness of his total selfishness in increasing the burden on you, and abdicating his responsibilities to you and his children. Don’t let him pretend that the salary if this job makes up for all its huge disadvantages for everyone other than him.

You don’t have to be passive and just willingly let this happen to you.

My concern would be that if he doesn't take cheap lodging so you can use the difference to pay for respite, cleaner, housekeeper, meal delivery, whatever you feel would help, he will argue in divorce that you have managed without this support so don't need him to provide any spousal maintenance. Which he should have to pay if he's on a high salary and you're restricted with your work options. He sounds like he's on his way out so establishing financial need now is essential.

He is dead against buying in help such as cleaner as I don't work a lot and have plenty of time (his thoughts not mine). There is no chance I can spend money on that. I wouldn't pay privately for respite - the eye watering cost is really not worth it. we have a lovey home with garden and can relax here.

@CoralSea I would have a think - why does he get to decide on what you can pay money on (cleaner etc), but you cannot decide on what he can spend money on (e.g having his own place). This sounds very one-sided. He seems to have all the power to decide - what does he bring to the equation?

I agree with this. Maybe a divorce would be better as at least he'd pay some maintenance and spend some time with his kids once in a while giving you a break. Although men like him tend to just run off.

very simple. he earns about 3.5 x what I do. So he has plenty of money at his disposal and I don't. If I want to have something extra, I rely on him agreeing to fund it. He won't agree to joint accounts. finances are completely separate.

This sounds absolutely awful to be honest. You say you'd struggle with your two youngest and have no help. It would be 100% on you.

Why would he not come back every weekend?????

This would have to be a very very short term solution for me, until he found a job closer to home. No amount of money would be worth it for me. I'd rather him work a min wage job and be home every night.

At the very least you need a childminder with experience in special needs. Would something like this work?
Childminders, Registered Childminders, Find a Childminder - Childcare.co.uk https://share.google/NFdAzbvbaZTXa4pN5

But this is not a partnership (which it should be). You don't really have more money (as you have to beg him for stuff). Divorce might be easier (at least you can decide what happens with the money as it is yours)

Yes I do, we do not have any joint finances. everything is separate. I also have some savings for emergencies :)

Just read the full thread and I'm so sorry this was a horrible frustrating read. I think hes checked out and has basically left you. You don't have joint finances, you are not a partnership in anyway shape or form, your drowning and he won't even pay for respite or a cleaner. Something doesn't add up..

With your last update I am furious on your behalf. It sounds like you are being exploited.

@CoralSea I can’t work out from the replies whether you realise how wrong this all is. Perhaps you do, but just in case not I think you’re being financially abused.

Of course he’s able to earn more than you, because you are looking after his kids with SEN. Has he ever worked out how much it would cost him if you said “right, I’m not able to cope any more, I’m going back to work full time and we’ll need to pay for care for our DC?”. I’m willing to bet it would be a huge amount of money.

And he refuses to buy in help (of course he doesn’t think it’s worth it) or share his finances, whilst at the same time being perfectly happy to shell out and rent a second home whilst you manage with minimal help, no access to joint savings, hugely restricted earning potential and what sounds like a car on its last legs. Absolutely inexcusable.

Plus whilst you may feel like staying where you are and putting up with it is the lesser of two evils- if this does end in divorce (which doesn’t seem unlikely), I’ll bet my life he’ll be emptying out his bank accounts and trying to get you out of your house.

So surely better to get some boundaries in place now about contact, respite, other help and expenses being joint before he fucks off to his bachelor pad 4 hours away- even if it means a row or threatening separation.

@Heronwatcher I know it's not right but really what is the alternative? if I separate/file for divorce, I won't be able to stay with the DC in the family home (and we really like it here). I still will be the sole carer and I still won't be able to increase my working hours and better myself. It's all just gonna get a lot worse. I take the lesser evil. I am ok with it. as I said, I don't get much joy out of things but nothing really upsets me much either. DC are ok here and that is the main thing. just to keep things ticking over. Things will never be nice for families like mine with the challenges we face. We are content with what we have even though some might think it's a low bar.

We have a decent home. don't struggle financially like many others. the DC have everything they needs. I figured sometimes it's better to be happy with what you have.