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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH to take on job further away. Worried about coping with DC etc alone. Anyone done it. Tips?

251 replies

CoralSea · 12/08/2025 14:25

Not really an aibu but more looking for reassurance and tips.

DH was made redundant a little while ago and struggled to find a job locally so he looked further away. He is middle aged and the job market is crap but found a decent job about 4h from where we live for a decent salary. took ages though. He plans to get a little place there and come home from time to time (weekly if possible but may be less).

I will stay behind. We have 3 DSs, one is starting A-levels, and the two younger ones have complex needs with EHCPs and places in special schools which we fought hard for - so uprooting them isn't an option and I would struggle to find work (I have been with my current employer for many years and have shed loads of flexibility - nobody else would take me on). I have no support network and family and I really worry I will struggle and not cope on my own. On the plus side, DH has a job and we secured a full time salary (even though outgoings will go up with having to maintain 2 homes).

Anyone done that. can this work? any tips regarding practicalities. I don't really know what I am asking for but it's a huge change.

OP posts:
AlwaysFreezing · 13/08/2025 16:20

He can't be serious about the weekends? Can he? Is he always an areshole or is this new?

CantHoldMeDown · 13/08/2025 16:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
CoralSea · 13/08/2025 16:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

this job pays well in all areas. But there are not many jobs going. It's not something like a teacher where there are roles everywhere. I don't wanna say what it is though.

OP posts:
CantHoldMeDown · 13/08/2025 16:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
CoralSea · 13/08/2025 16:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

yes, we have. still way better than no job.

OP posts:
seasid · 13/08/2025 16:34

CoralSea · 13/08/2025 16:16

he says he needs to focus on the new job, and needs time to fine and arrange a proper place and he will need time to unwind. I do not agree with this and it's not what we discussed when we accepted the job. But I cannot make him come home if we doesn't want to see us. I'm the end, it doesn't matter as to why. The result will be the same.

Show quote history

I’m sorry OP but it looks like he’s moving his life and has no want or need to have any part of his old life… aka you and your children

I would definitely look into if he’s having an affair though because something’s not adding up

summerskyblue · 13/08/2025 16:37

This is not acceptable OP.

He can't just leave you to do al the childcare and not even come back every weekend.

He would be living a life of a single man while you would be doing everything and working as well...

There are plenty of hybrid or remote jobs these days and this is what he should be looking for if there is nothing local. He can't just check out of family life like this.

Moonnstars · 13/08/2025 16:39

CoralSea · 13/08/2025 16:16

he says he needs to focus on the new job, and needs time to fine and arrange a proper place and he will need time to unwind. I do not agree with this and it's not what we discussed when we accepted the job. But I cannot make him come home if we doesn't want to see us. I'm the end, it doesn't matter as to why. The result will be the same.

Show quote history

I'm sorry. When you started this post I can see it was to get tips and people's experiences but now as it's gone on I do feel that your partner isn't just moving for a job. When does he think you get time to unwind? He clearly doesn't value you or what you do for your family.

What did he do when he was made redundant? What was the minimum you needed to keep the house running?

I get the feeling that he wouldn't accept any job and has managed to use this as a good excuse to opt out of a stressful situation with the children. I really feel for you, however it sounds like you do everything yourself anyway so maybe it won't make any difference to you and be better without him in the way.

Wisheverydaywasfriday · 13/08/2025 17:04

You have a very difficult home life. You sound resigned and defeated, and your husband is taking full advantage of this, he is walking all over you. Two SEN kids and another child who sounds difficult and challenging too. It’s unfathomable that he is prepared to leave you to it, especially considering your previous MH issues.

This is a disaster in the making for you and your children. Your husband sounds cold, selfish and detached from any parental or marital responsibility. It’s total abuse. Do not allow yourself and your children to be treated like this, you will all suffer.

PinkyFlamingo · 13/08/2025 17:05

He's leaving you.

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 13/08/2025 17:10

I would actually tell him you and the DCs will then look to move to be with him. Tell him you've got an appointment with the local council re transferring care packages and it looks like it can be arranged.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about his intentions.

Original poster
CoralSea · 13/08/2025 17:18

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 13/08/2025 17:10

I would actually tell him you and the DCs will then look to move to be with him. Tell him you've got an appointment with the local council re transferring care packages and it looks like it can be arranged.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about his intentions.

This is not how it works. And he knows this too. You clearly never had to deal with an EHCP tribunal, a child out of school for over a year, and a year long fight for respite. Lucky you.

I also cannot leave my job here. Nobody would employ me.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 13/08/2025 17:18

Honestly, it may sound harsh but I think I’d be saying that if he can’t commit to every weekend (barring disaster) you’ll be looking to separate and he will need to be on hand for 50% of the childcare in your current home (so he could only take this new job on a part time basis).

Or you’ll all be looking to relocate to move with him and you’ll take the time to find new schools for the kids if necessary- in the meantime they can spend weekends with him in the new flat (you can meet 2 hours away to drop them off on Friday/ pick them up on Sunday).

Or, if you think he’ll know you’re bluffing, that he will need to fund x hours of respite care, a cleaner and gardener and pay for some “cook” meals every weekend he’s away.

Just mad to me that he’s renting a whole new place for himself whilst you’re barely getting respite care at all. And whilst some of this might seem extreme I honestly think you need to nip this in the bud- it will be 1000 x worse once he’s started and he’s got a lease (no doubt in a flat which won’t be suitable to have the kids for weekends), no doubt “work pressure” and overtime and probably fictional car troubles/ inability to catch a train. And it will be all your fault because you agreed to it…

Heronwatcher · 13/08/2025 17:20

CoralSea · 13/08/2025 17:18

This is not how it works. And he knows this too. You clearly never had to deal with an EHCP tribunal, a child out of school for over a year, and a year long fight for respite. Lucky you.

I also cannot leave my job here. Nobody would employ me.

Edited
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I think we’re suggesting it as a bluff in the first instance!

And no reason why he can’t have the kids in the new place for weekends himself (you can meet 2 hours away on Friday/ Sunday).

Original poster
CoralSea · 13/08/2025 17:23

Heronwatcher · 13/08/2025 17:20

I think we’re suggesting it as a bluff in the first instance!

And no reason why he can’t have the kids in the new place for weekends himself (you can meet 2 hours away on Friday/ Sunday).

Show quote history

he suggested I bring the kids that on the weekend occasionally . not going to happen. I am also not meeting half way. Why should I drive 2 x 4 hours when I am already drowning?

OP posts:
bluecurtains14 · 13/08/2025 17:27

CoralSea · 13/08/2025 17:23

he suggested I bring the kids that on the weekend occasionally . not going to happen. I am also not meeting half way. Why should I drive 2 x 4 hours when I am already drowning?

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2 x 2 hour drives to have the house to yourself for the weekend sounds like a good deal, but not fair on the kids as he sounds like a crap father.

@CoralSea do you have access to money in your sole name, not a joint account? You need to.

doodleschnoodle · 13/08/2025 17:28

Sorry, OP, it seems increasingly obvious to me at least that your marriage is on the outs. He’s found a way he can escape the ‘drudgery’ as he no doubt sees it of daily life and paint it as doing something for the family. He’s starting a new life for himself away from you and the children while avoiding having to make himself the bad guy by just admitting he doesn’t want to live as part of your family any more.

How are finances going to work when he’s away? Do you have shared accounts or will he be transferring money to you? How much will he actually be keeping as his ‘living’ money, given he will be spending much of his time away? What will he spend his weekends doing if not lot home?

He must be a very high earner as he’s probably going to spend about £1500+ a month on his salary just on himself. Is there really not another job, even if he’s over-qualified, that pays £1500-2000 less a month but is nearer by?

Heronwatcher · 13/08/2025 17:29

CoralSea · 13/08/2025 17:23

he suggested I bring the kids that on the weekend occasionally . not going to happen. I am also not meeting half way. Why should I drive 2 x 4 hours when I am already drowning?

Show quote history

Well I suppose because it’s a better option than getting no break at all and it means that he can’t just check out of family life for months on end?

In your position I would probably prefer to do a drive Friday night and Sunday night and then have the whole of Saturday/ Sunday morning to myself to regroup and prepare for the next week. But if you disagree that’s your prerogative of course- really people here can only make suggestions based on what you’ve said.

Original poster
CoralSea · 13/08/2025 17:32

Heronwatcher · 13/08/2025 17:29

Well I suppose because it’s a better option than getting no break at all and it means that he can’t just check out of family life for months on end?

In your position I would probably prefer to do a drive Friday night and Sunday night and then have the whole of Saturday/ Sunday morning to myself to regroup and prepare for the next week. But if you disagree that’s your prerogative of course- really people here can only make suggestions based on what you’ve said.

Show quote history

easier for me to just stay at home with the DC. also, my car is 17 years old and on its last leg. not going to happen.

OP posts:
Crochetandtea · 13/08/2025 17:33

I wouldn’t be happy with this situation at all. You’re essentially doing it ALL alone and working while he lives the life of a single man . No chance !
There has to another alternative solution to this …..

CoastalCalm · 13/08/2025 17:34

He can be a lodger Monday to Thursday and travel home each weekend - 4 hours isn’t that much if he can negotiate an early finish on a Friday. Leave home early Monday morning and head straight back on Fridays , it’s not acceptable for him to claim he can’t get home when you have young children

GFBurger · 13/08/2025 17:34

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I agree that with the ‘come home most weekends’ sounds like he is moving out!

Like other posters I would suggest he leaves very early on Monday morning, and comes home as early as possible Friday, if not Thursday evening - subject to settling in and gaining trust to WFH.

You and your children still have to be the priority. He can concentrate on work pretty full on between with 3 to 4 nights a week away from home.

Crochetandtea · 13/08/2025 17:39

You have been dealt an incredibly difficult hand in life. Your husband doesn’t get to walk away. It sounds like he is preparing to leave for good. There has to be some kind of job closer to home ?? Anything at all would be better than the life you are about to be given …

WonderingWanda · 13/08/2025 17:42

My dh travels 4 hrs for work for one week a month plus other shorter journeys midweek more frequently. He stays in a hotel when away and works from home the rest of the time.

What's the public transport like? I would want him home every weekend to be honest and would encourage him to negotiate down to a 3 or 4 day week in the office and look at a room in a shared house for the midweek so he doesn't get too comfortable and avoid coming home to support you.

Strawberrysummer25 · 13/08/2025 17:46

It seems completely unreasonable that he is not planning to come home every weekend. My dp had a job about 4 hours away and there was no consideration that he wouldn't come home every weekend and we only had one older teen with no additional needs, I'm sorry but it sounds like he has checked out of parenting.and possibly the marriage.