Wedding no show. Was I unreasonable to block her?

[Nowtinit]

I got married earlier this year. It was a fairly big wedding. 100 guests with a sit down meal etc.

I used to have a friend who I was fairly close to back in the day. Knew each other from school. Had many a fun night out drinking in our youth as well as some holidays away etc. She got married and had her kids a few years back now (her children are 8 and 10 now) but we never lost contact and still saw each other regularly for the most part. She moved away 2 years ago to an area about 2 hours away from our home town. We still kept in touch but neither of us went to see the other as life was always just busy. But we were always friendly on text but they dwindled a bit as well.

Anyway when i was organising the wedding I messaged her to say I know we haven’t been in touch as much but I’d love it if she (and her husband and kids) could come to the wedding, but I understood if it was too much of a hassle coming the 2 hours back this way. She replied immediately saying she’d definitely be coming and would there be a hen do etc. I said there would be but I hadn’t organised that yet so would be in touch and would also send out a formal invite.

I sent the invite, she RSVP’d immediately for the whole family including the meals they wanted etc. Once the hen was organised I sent her those details (night out in our home town. Meal and drinks). She replied great I’ll be there!

Two weeks before the hen party (which was 4 weeks before the wedding) she text to say she’d forgotten it was her nephews birthday the same day as the hen so she couldn’t come. It was quite a blunt text (for her) but I said no problem and I was looking forward to seeing her at the wedding. She replied with “yes me too. I have our hotel and train all booked!”

Day of the wedding arrived, and she just didn’t show. I checked her instagram and she’d been posting pictures of her family as normal the week leading up to the wedding as well as on the day on the wedding (they appeared to be at a park or similar on the day). I gave it a few days to see if she’d get in touch but nothing. One evening (after a few wines) I did send a passive aggressive text saying I assume you couldn’t make the wedding then? She read it and didn’t reply. So I just deleted and blocked her on everything.

It’s been a couple of months now and I’ve pretty much just forgotten all about it. But the other night I woke up and I’d had 4 missed calls. 3 were withheld numbers and 1 was her husbands number. One of the withheld numbers had left a voicemail which was just people laughing hysterically followed by someone (female but not my friend) saying bitch really loudly. No idea if it was her/related to her but I’m guessing it was due to her husbands number also ringing me within a few mins of that message.

I don’t really get what happened? She was always a normal person. Not flakey. A good friend. Not aggressive or rude. Just…. Normal. Yes we’d lost touch a bit but we’d never fallen out. I always messaged her happy birthday and she did the same. Yes my post wedding text was a bit PA but the fact she didn’t even bother to let me know she couldn’t come or even apologise after the fact did piss me off a bit. We’d paid for the whole families meals etc and there was 4 wasted seats. To just not get in touch at all was just rude in my opinion. I was quite happy to just forget about her and carry on. But then this weird phone call/voicemail happened and its brought it all back up again. Especially as it seems very out of character for her to be so almost malicious. She’s never been like that before. But I guess maybe she’s changed in the past 2 years. Who knows.

This is a LOT of deflection. She knows she acted like an arsehole and now she needs to put that on you.

I'd love to hear the tale she's telling people for you to come out of this as a 'bitch'!

As they say, the best revenge is a life well led.

Post those beautiful wedding pics, EVERYWHERE, thanking everyone for coming and stating how lucky you were to have everyone you cared about in attendance.

Then the honeymoon pics. Then share the pics posted by friends and family.

Milk it then move on and leave her behind, and do not mentally attach her no-show as a negative memory to your big day.

She’s awful! How much money did she cost you in the end for missed hen and missed wedding??

Because women are all meant to #BeKind even in the face of being treated like crap these days.

Because women are all meant to #BeKind even in the face of being treated like crap these days.

What has happened here is that your "friend" has agreed to the hen and wedding without thinking it through and at the end of the day she couldn't be arsed to make the effort to go.

She's thoughtless and selfish and is too coward to tell you upfront that she doesn't want to go to your hen or wedding (or its too much of a faff for her) and she just kicked it into the long grass. She's not a friend so don't spend any more time thinking about it. You have a new married life and lots of nice things going on, just cut this boil out of your life. Just let it go.

I had a couple not turn up to my wedding. It was someone I was really close to at work. My numbers were really restricted but I wanted to invite her to the day. She never showed up. It cost me a lot of money, and the 2 empty seats were obvious. When I got back to work she told me her DH just didn't want to go. She didn't really care that much, and I let the friendship slide. She didn't see that actually I was restricted on numbers, and it cost me money. She was thoughtless.

You are in your 40's now. Don't waste precious time on people who are selfish and horrible.

drink or drugs ......

Post those beautiful wedding pics, EVERYWHERE, thanking everyone for coming and stating how lucky you were to have everyone you cared about in attendance

Yes! post a lovely pic from the wedding/evening and caption it "I am so lucky that everyone I truly care about was there to share my day with me"

Fuck her.

What an absolute cow! She knows she’s in the wrong and behaving like a child. I would have had to have had it out with her though. You paid for four wasted meals for one thing - just unforgivably rude imo. If you are not going to bother asking for an explanation (ie an apology), then block and move on, she is no friend and has shown as much.

My guess is she didn't feel like going fo the wedding and felt too awkward to let you know as she had already cancelled attending the hen.

Unfortunately instead of being mature about it all it seems she decided to get silly over some drinks with friends.

She's not worth it.

You've no idea what's happening in her life. I'd have telephoned her a week or so after the wedding to check that she was ok. As you say, it was out of character, so it is possible things are not going too well.

I guess you did it out of hurt OP and it’s a kind of self-protection thing. It’s certainly a mystery and I hope you get an explanation and a sincere apology one day,

Another one who’s not really sure why people are so keen to make excuses for your friend behaving abominably. I can’t really think of that many scenarios where “posting constant updates on SM but not able to send a text calling off” is ok.
I would send a message to her husband, saying you had a missed call, and then leave it.

Blocking is quite an extreme thing to do and took away her ability to explain or apologise. She may well have been really hurt and frustrated by that, leading to the silly calls.

I think not showing up for a wedding with no explanation before or afterwards is pretty extreme on the rudeness scale.

She's probably always had that side to her character but kept it well hidden. Some people are jekyll and Hyde types. My mum is like that. She has a sweet, charming public face that the outside world sees but has another side too.

@Nowtinit

Congratulations on your wedding. I hope you had a lovely day and I hope this issue with your friend doesn't spoil your memories.

I have read all the replies and yes you could just block and delete. You would be well within your rights to do so, especially considering the cost of weddings and all the planning and co-ordination etc.

However I just wanted to mention that your friend might not be in the best place at the moment. I am not minimising how upsetting it was for you and your new DH to have 4 whole no shows, just maybe trying to give a different angle in some way.

It was interesting for me that it was her husband who called you / left you the voicemail with the weirdness and the taunting and laughing.

If it is in any way like my now ended marriage (thank goodness!), my ex had consistent and purposeful saboteur behaviours that ended up making me look like a completely flaky, feckless, manner less idiot to friends who didn't know the reality of my abusive marriage. I am not making excuses. I am just sharing this with you in 100% truthfulness. I am so so so embarrassed about how many times I was unable to attend events or fulfill commitments that were actually really important to me because he would just be such an obstructive, selfish a**hole the whole time and I was so worn down I didn't always have the strength or the money to just take the kids out on my own.

I am only sharing this not to justify the behaviour, not at all, but just to say that sometimes when you are living with a d*ckhead it's really hard to manage.

If she is previously a good friend maybe reach out to her directly in a little while.

P.S. - I used to also post loads on social media. I was absolutely miserable at the time. I think I was just trying to make my life feel a little less sh*t than it was.

Hopefully there is an explanation that can be worked on in future. I am sorry for the no shows though. Galling.

Unblock and see if anything else happens and call the police on the husband harassing phone calls.

I think I would have sent a meesage like "I spent £150 on meals for you, your husband and kids at for our wedding day because you said you were coming. That money got wasted because apparently you decided to spend the weekend with a National Trust visit and some home bakery instead. I can't believe you'd deliberately do that to a friend. Have you been kidnapped and held hostage by someone who is posting social media posts to pretend you are ok? Or am I not in fact a friend?"

Too late for that now of course. But it's fine to have blocked her.

I'd have had to message the husband something like "I've told you to stop trying to contact me, I'm not interested".

Then laughed like a drain

I would of 100% rang or text the husbands number!! They probably thought they were being really clever withhelding phone numbers and made a slip up on his. I’d of contacted him to let them all know you know it was them with out accusing them. Why else would he call you after so long at that hour and coincidentally same time as prank calls?!?!

I wonder if she would have paid for the hotel and train in advance - she must have paid for the train at least? So either she lost money on that by not coming or she knew damn well all along that she wasn't going to attend.

How long did you wait from sending the message to blocking her? The problem is that if you block, if she did ever try to explain herself you wouldnt know. I wouldnt have blocked personally unless you were getting rude or abusive messages its just escalating it. Just stop contacting and unfollow etc and move on

this might be her @Nowtinit

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5384858-absolutely-bemused-by-this-and-also-feeling-a-bit-stupid?page=1

She's mkst.probably full.of crap, never intended to go to the hen or the wedding but didn't tell you for some weird reason.
I love the mental gymnastics people come up with on threads like this to try to explain away crappy behaviour, why on earth would she post old photos whilst in hospital 😆honestly

If she booked it at flexible rates, hotels are fully refundable and train tickets are refundable less a small admin fee. It's only the deep discounted advance offers that are non-refundable.

You are not being unreasonable sending that text or blocking.

I had a friend's wedding a week or two after a parent had a terminal diagnosis, I made it a priority to message them warning them I might need to drop out but still made it, and again there was a wedding the day before the funeral that I still made. The only possible excuse for not letting you know in advance or shortly after the wedding would have been an absolute emergency situation, and then you're quite right, she wouldn't have been posting on social media (with photos of that day or anything else).

The husband phoned once. The other three calls were from a withheld number and the message left was from one of those three calls. Why would she call the police on anyone, let alone the husband?