Wedding no show. Was I unreasonable to block her?

[Nowtinit]

I got married earlier this year. It was a fairly big wedding. 100 guests with a sit down meal etc.

I used to have a friend who I was fairly close to back in the day. Knew each other from school. Had many a fun night out drinking in our youth as well as some holidays away etc. She got married and had her kids a few years back now (her children are 8 and 10 now) but we never lost contact and still saw each other regularly for the most part. She moved away 2 years ago to an area about 2 hours away from our home town. We still kept in touch but neither of us went to see the other as life was always just busy. But we were always friendly on text but they dwindled a bit as well.

Anyway when i was organising the wedding I messaged her to say I know we haven’t been in touch as much but I’d love it if she (and her husband and kids) could come to the wedding, but I understood if it was too much of a hassle coming the 2 hours back this way. She replied immediately saying she’d definitely be coming and would there be a hen do etc. I said there would be but I hadn’t organised that yet so would be in touch and would also send out a formal invite.

I sent the invite, she RSVP’d immediately for the whole family including the meals they wanted etc. Once the hen was organised I sent her those details (night out in our home town. Meal and drinks). She replied great I’ll be there!

Two weeks before the hen party (which was 4 weeks before the wedding) she text to say she’d forgotten it was her nephews birthday the same day as the hen so she couldn’t come. It was quite a blunt text (for her) but I said no problem and I was looking forward to seeing her at the wedding. She replied with “yes me too. I have our hotel and train all booked!”

Day of the wedding arrived, and she just didn’t show. I checked her instagram and she’d been posting pictures of her family as normal the week leading up to the wedding as well as on the day on the wedding (they appeared to be at a park or similar on the day). I gave it a few days to see if she’d get in touch but nothing. One evening (after a few wines) I did send a passive aggressive text saying I assume you couldn’t make the wedding then? She read it and didn’t reply. So I just deleted and blocked her on everything.

It’s been a couple of months now and I’ve pretty much just forgotten all about it. But the other night I woke up and I’d had 4 missed calls. 3 were withheld numbers and 1 was her husbands number. One of the withheld numbers had left a voicemail which was just people laughing hysterically followed by someone (female but not my friend) saying bitch really loudly. No idea if it was her/related to her but I’m guessing it was due to her husbands number also ringing me within a few mins of that message.

I don’t really get what happened? She was always a normal person. Not flakey. A good friend. Not aggressive or rude. Just…. Normal. Yes we’d lost touch a bit but we’d never fallen out. I always messaged her happy birthday and she did the same. Yes my post wedding text was a bit PA but the fact she didn’t even bother to let me know she couldn’t come or even apologise after the fact did piss me off a bit. We’d paid for the whole families meals etc and there was 4 wasted seats. To just not get in touch at all was just rude in my opinion. I was quite happy to just forget about her and carry on. But then this weird phone call/voicemail happened and its brought it all back up again. Especially as it seems very out of character for her to be so almost malicious. She’s never been like that before. But I guess maybe she’s changed in the past 2 years. Who knows.

My money’s on she knew damn well she wasn’t going to attend

Yes - this as well OP

I don't know who didn't come to my wedding. I had a swanky buffet for this very reason! (I wouldn't have known if there were a few extra guests, either.) Irrelevant to anyone who's already had theirs, but worth a mention if you're tearing your hair out over the prospect of seating and menu planning.

Glad you served the unused meals to your other guests, OP. Nice one.

YANBU OP you don’t need people like that in your life.

Honestly people show their true colours around weddings.

my best friend? Not my friend any more
my mom? Became nasty about someone
my sister? Said horrible things about my wedding shoes.
many people just didn’t come.

honestly. It’s such a special occasion and people should commit (unless there’s a death or accident etc!)

I honestly don’t blame you!

This is really baffling behaviour from your friend, to be so excited about the wedding and almost invite herself to the hen, and then drop out of both. And then to continue posting on social media, knowing you could see the posts, not even pretending that her kid was sick by going quiet for a few days. Like you say, you'd just put it down to one of those things, and then you got that weird voicemail. She's the one in the wrong, so why would she deliberately be so unkind? I'd be really confused too. I really wish people would just be honest with each other rather than leaving people second-guessing, it drives me mad.

This is so true!

Just ignore completely. You're dealing with an indecent, immature and toxic adult. Don't go down the rabbit whole of why did she did what she did. Not worth the time and nerves.

Don’t give it a second thought. She’s a complete bitch and you are good to get rid of her. All those people who are saying you should have spoken to her are idiots. You’d only have given her an opportunity to lie to your face.

Maybe something serious in her life happened? If she doesn’t have form for being unreliable, perhaps there was a good reason or something awful happened.

You are dead right to block her, she showed her true colours, in my experience weddings can show you what people are really like, I don't talk to two so called friend people anymore due to their behaviour around my wedding. Some people can handle things not revolving around them unfortunately. Anyone who says you should have contacted her needs to get real in my opinion, you've done nothing wrong

Exactly

The only way you'll ever know what happened is to ask you friend directly. That can seem hard, but not really harder than speculating and coming up with all sorts of ideas that are insulting to you.

Ask, she may or may not tell you. You have the opportunity to be honest with her though.

I missed you at my wedding because I've always considered you a good friend and wanted you to share in my special day. I would have understood if something had stopped you from coming on the day but I'm struggling with the lack of communication, and feel quite upset that I've heard nothing from you. Is everything alright?

I know!

She didn't have the manners or decency to let you know that her and her family wouldnt be bothering to show up to your wedding. Id block her too, why would i keep in touch with someone like that?!?

Her behaviour doesn’t add up. I would reach out to see what is happening, if she is ok. It is on your mind so try to solve. If it doesn’t work, then move on.

We got married in the 80s, when things were still pretty formal and not showing up to a wedding was just unthinkable. Our wedding was in Scotland over a bank holiday weekend but my husband was from the London area - I was working there and that's how we met. So it was a big ask for his family and friends to come and we were very pleased when just about everyone said they would come.

My now husband asked one of his friends to be an usher and he agreed. He and his girlfriend said they were getting the coach with some other friends. But they never came. We never found out why. We were an usher short. I was furious and never had anything to do with them after that.

Agree, she absolutely should have messaged you and explained herself. If something was wrong but she’s still posting on SM, then she needs to get her priorities right.

It's really sad but sometimes friendships fizzle out as we become different people.
I had a friend I thought would be in my life always but she suddenly ghosted me and I never found out why. I went over and over and over every possible thing that could have caused it. I agonised over it. She literally just stopped replying to messages. I'd known her over 20 years. We'd shared flats in our younger few days, we'd partied together, confided in each other, consoled each other over relationship heartaches.... and I thought her friendship was one of the constants in my life.
Eventually after half heartedly messaging every so often (maybe once a year) and being left on read, for a few years, I couldn't bear the humiliation and I unfriended- didn't block- and deleted her contact details.
It absolutely broke my heart. Now, a few years later I feel more angry than anything. I still have no idea what I did.
But my point is that your lives have gone in different directions and very sadly she's not the same person as she was all those years ago. You made the right call and I think the phone calls have confirmed that. it still hurts though.

Appearances can be deceptive. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe she's a victim of coercive control or similar, felt guilty then acted out?

On balance I'd forget about her and get on with your life.

When we were newly married (53 years next month!) we made friends with a similar couple. We both had our first babies a few monthsLater apart, and they were godparents to our DD. Later on we were godparents to their younger son.

We remained close for many years but their marriage failed and they moved away. We still kept in touch though, and met up with them both separately, including the woman's new man.

When our DD was married we invited them both (plus new partners) to the wedding. The woman declined as they were going to be abroad at the time, but the man accepted. He never turned up. We rang him the day after - no reply. Several more calls were ignored. Eventually we asked his sons if anything was wrong and they both said nothing was. We never heard from him again.His ex-wife also had no explanation. The usual Christmas cards stopped coming and again his sons said he was still at the same address and they had no idea why this would be. We still have not a clue. We weren't close enough by then to be upset about it - just mystified. We're still (infrequently) in touch with our Godson and know his dad is alive and well, so it was all very odd.

We had 9 people/pre paid seats not turn up at DH’s special 0 birthday. Only 1 couple let us know afterwards why they didn’t attend which was due to illness.

later on when checking with some of the others people generally said ‘they forgot’. We gave up following through with the remainder after that.

people are just slack. There was no offer from those who forgot to reimburse us either, and the function centre wouldn’t allow us to take the extra food home due to food safety issues.

i wonder if the call from her hubby’s mobile was a drunk her and not him?

I’d have done exactly the same as you OP. I don’t care what her reasons were for not coming to the wedding were, to not let you know beforehand or afterwards is very rude. She sounds like a really nasty person.

Hi Op, I had 2 guests not turn up at my wedding! Wasted money too but hey no.. that was 10 years ago!
there really is no excuse for fir the rudeness but worth checking if something really did happen and see is too embarrassed of not sure how uk cone back from it? Maybe they couldn’t afford it?
No proof that it was her harassing you with the prank calls. He the bigger person called the husband and find out. Irrespective if there is a reasonably explanation or not atleast you can put your mind at ease and move forward.

wonder if hubby is having an affair or something and wouldn’t come and see was too embarrassed to come without him/explain?

I genuinely can't believe the amount of people sticking up for her behaviour in this thread.

There is no reason she couldn't send a message to say she was attending unless she was dead or unconscious. Which she clearly wasn't as posting to social media.

This type of behaviour is disgusting and shows she has no regard for basic manners. Your well rid of her. I'd probably not block her but waited to see if I ever heard anything then I would of told her exactly what I thought of her and where to shove it!

You have done nothing wrong at all.

Having trains / hotels booked then not showing is odd. Your friend could be in a coercive relationship, they all look pretty at face value (park days out, baking cakes) but when it comes down to the real stuff (YOUR friends wedding) they’re not allowed 😕

Could be all kinds of reasons, unfortunately you will never know.