Wedding no show. Was I unreasonable to block her?

[Nowtinit]

I got married earlier this year. It was a fairly big wedding. 100 guests with a sit down meal etc.

I used to have a friend who I was fairly close to back in the day. Knew each other from school. Had many a fun night out drinking in our youth as well as some holidays away etc. She got married and had her kids a few years back now (her children are 8 and 10 now) but we never lost contact and still saw each other regularly for the most part. She moved away 2 years ago to an area about 2 hours away from our home town. We still kept in touch but neither of us went to see the other as life was always just busy. But we were always friendly on text but they dwindled a bit as well.

Anyway when i was organising the wedding I messaged her to say I know we haven’t been in touch as much but I’d love it if she (and her husband and kids) could come to the wedding, but I understood if it was too much of a hassle coming the 2 hours back this way. She replied immediately saying she’d definitely be coming and would there be a hen do etc. I said there would be but I hadn’t organised that yet so would be in touch and would also send out a formal invite.

I sent the invite, she RSVP’d immediately for the whole family including the meals they wanted etc. Once the hen was organised I sent her those details (night out in our home town. Meal and drinks). She replied great I’ll be there!

Two weeks before the hen party (which was 4 weeks before the wedding) she text to say she’d forgotten it was her nephews birthday the same day as the hen so she couldn’t come. It was quite a blunt text (for her) but I said no problem and I was looking forward to seeing her at the wedding. She replied with “yes me too. I have our hotel and train all booked!”

Day of the wedding arrived, and she just didn’t show. I checked her instagram and she’d been posting pictures of her family as normal the week leading up to the wedding as well as on the day on the wedding (they appeared to be at a park or similar on the day). I gave it a few days to see if she’d get in touch but nothing. One evening (after a few wines) I did send a passive aggressive text saying I assume you couldn’t make the wedding then? She read it and didn’t reply. So I just deleted and blocked her on everything.

It’s been a couple of months now and I’ve pretty much just forgotten all about it. But the other night I woke up and I’d had 4 missed calls. 3 were withheld numbers and 1 was her husbands number. One of the withheld numbers had left a voicemail which was just people laughing hysterically followed by someone (female but not my friend) saying bitch really loudly. No idea if it was her/related to her but I’m guessing it was due to her husbands number also ringing me within a few mins of that message.

I don’t really get what happened? She was always a normal person. Not flakey. A good friend. Not aggressive or rude. Just…. Normal. Yes we’d lost touch a bit but we’d never fallen out. I always messaged her happy birthday and she did the same. Yes my post wedding text was a bit PA but the fact she didn’t even bother to let me know she couldn’t come or even apologise after the fact did piss me off a bit. We’d paid for the whole families meals etc and there was 4 wasted seats. To just not get in touch at all was just rude in my opinion. I was quite happy to just forget about her and carry on. But then this weird phone call/voicemail happened and its brought it all back up again. Especially as it seems very out of character for her to be so almost malicious. She’s never been like that before. But I guess maybe she’s changed in the past 2 years. Who knows.

And that was after she sent the message which her "friend" read and did not bother to respond to, which was itself several days the "friend" did not bother to contact her after just not turning up.

Anyway, bottom line, you were 100 percent right to block her, and now I would work on forgetting she ever existed.

Just move on. You did nothing wrong. Your friend was rude and there is no excuse to have not messaged and apologised. She was the one who said the family was coming and then didn’t show up, she knew that you had catered for them being there and yes as a friend I would expect an apology at the very least, and not have to chase her for one.
Your wedding day is your special day and should be a day of lovely memories with family and friends, not having a bad feeling in your stomach about this. File it away in the back of your mind and move on. Whatever your friends problem was/is it’s not your problem. She was rude and hurtful and like you, I would feel it was unforgivable now due to the no contact since.
I assume she has your postal address so if she really wanted to get in touch, she can send you a letter can’t she!

Some of the replies on this thread make you see exactly why CFs, users, rude arseholes and selfish, entitled twats get away with their BS and have the brass balls to just keep doing it. Soooo many people tying themselves up like pretzels to make excuses for this woman.

‘Mental health’ does not excuse every stripe of ridiculously poor behaviour. None but the most drastic of family crises could stop you from sending a quick text excusing yourself, or asking someone else to. It’s a wedding FFS, not a random invite to the pub on a wet Tuesday.

And if anything terrible had genuinely happened, why would your first thought be ‘I’d better post something fake to my SM real quick’?! And why, in the weeks and months afterwards, wouldn’t you have explained and apologised to your friend? In what world does a 40 yr old woman decide the best course of action is not to make amends, but to get pissed, prank call the person she’s let down and scream ‘bitch’ down the phone at 2 am?

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck …

What she did was shit, she absolutely should have been in touch to tell you what happened. I think the passive aggressive message from you was a mistake - it lowered the bar and effectively shut down meaningful discussion.

I would have asked if she was OK and asked her open questions - it is weird behaviour for a whole family not to turn up at the wedding. There could be something serious going on no matter what the insta photos show

Oh God, sorry, I hadn’t seen this. It’s the one scenario I hadn’t considered, but now you say it @GarlicLitre, it all adds up. I definitely need to be kinder - you really never know what people are going through.

Same, the lengths people will go to, to excuse poor behaviour fascinates me.

Who has an emergency that completely prevents them sending even a single text to a longstanding friend, but necessitates taking their DC to a national trust place to take their mind off it?

Oh well, the calls have made it easier for you to let go and confirmed you did the right thing. You’d already decided anyway.

It does sound very strange though. I’d be really hurt too.

She's incredibly rude. With meals and drinks they've probably wasted about £300-£400 of your money and prevented you from inviting other people along. I'd drop her - keep her blocked.

I think I would be too curious for an explanation to just block her. There must be more to this as it sounds very out of character for her from what you’ve said. I would want answers 😂

To be honest, I can't leave well alone, so I'd probably be messaging her or her husband literally saying "I got a missed call from you, and a voicemail where someone was screaming "bitch" down the phone.... what's going on?" And see what comes from that, if anything. If nothing, I'd leave it alone entirely. Absolutely bizarre.

Honestly just take it as life filtering out those who matter and those who don’t. It’s hurtful but she’s not a friend.

How involved were you in her wedding? Could she be miffed a because she was an “extra” and you were a main part in her day? Not that, that gives her an excuse to be a b**ch I’m just trying to find some logic in the situation.

I'd have sent her the bill for the no show!
How horrid of her, good riddance. Takes 1 minute to let you know if they can't make it last minute, she's playing games.
I'm annoyed for you!

I really empathise OP - if my friend had done this to me it would’ve made me feel really put out to say the least. ❤️

However I wouldn’t have sent the passive aggressive text or subsequently blocked her when she’d only read and not responded.

The reason? Back in 2005 I was in a bad state of mind and to my shame ‘used’ a former friend. A couple of months later when she wanted ongoing contact and a ‘friendship’ , I ignored her because l didn’t want it. She text me angrily some weeks afterwards and left (understandably, realistically) angry messages on my phone. She said “never contact me again” amongst other things and to this day I haven’t.

Anyway thing is, I’m ashamed that I used her. However, if she’d just not contacted me at all in the aftermath of me ignoring her I’d have just been left with the impression that she didn’t care either way about me. The fact she left an angry voicemail and text just had the effect of letting me know I’d upset her and if I had malicious intent it would’ve let me know I’d ‘won’ iyswim.

I personally don’t think your friend had a mental breakdown or that any of her family were ill on the day of your wedding. My interpretation is that although you were once close, realistically, with the passage of time she now isn’t bothered about you and to be honest couldn’t be bothered to attend the hen do/wedding. She might have initially agreed to go to your hen do and the wedding but as the time comes closer she’s decided she can’t be bothered as now there’s not enough genuine connection between you. When you sent the passive aggressive email and blocked her I feel she thought this gave her the green light to be malicious and immature with her ‘mates’. It’s awful behaviour on her part and just shows you who she is.

I’ve learned in life that when the regular ‘genuine’ connection is gone, iyswim, a lot of people (not all, admittedly) are only concerned with their current life and don’t care about their previous friends to the point they feel they can ‘take the piss’ as your friend did if they’re that way inclined.

It seems really out of character, especially as she apologised about the hen do.
I'd be pissed off but also worried, and would want to actually speak to her.

I would message the husband -with a screenshot of the missed call because when he inevitably asks her she'll deny it, and I would say exactly what happened you had some malicious voicemails left (directly before or directly after - whichever it was from a withheld number too), after 'friends name' didn't contact me to say you couldn't attend my wedding a few months back after initially RSVP'ing I have had no contact so I am just al little concerned that everything is okay - I would totally drop her in it with her DH, likely he'll not have a clue. Let her explain to him that she's a dick!

No excuse - you can still fire off a text or at worse, message the next day.

Honestly I was that person a long time ago.

Great friend from college but didn't see that much of her. Wedding invite came , I accepted, them completely forgot about it. on the day of the wedding , the date rang a bell. Nothing on the calender

A month or so later it hit me like a sledgehammer. She never spoke to me again

I have put on a few big functions over the years and my most hated thing is no-shows. Just about forgivavle for children's parties although my DCs went to many parties over the years and even if they couldn't come last minute due to illness I'd always let the host know.
As for weddings, etc. there really is no excuse as the guests know that the host has paid a large amount of money per head for them to attend and for someone not to show (esp with a family as well) is very poor behaviour.
My first thought would've been - were they in a car crash on the way - but as you say they posted on SM that they were at the park so that wasn't the case.
As for the phonecalls, very odd. I'd def message the husband in this case I think and ask what is going on. Ultimately you've done the right thing by blocking as that is the end of the friendship.

Why wasn't it on the calendar? Did you apologise, send a wedding gift?

I agree. There’s just no excuse if there wasn’t an emergency.

Quite right. Good idea.

The only explanation I can think of is you’ve done something to piss her off between her acceptance and the hen do. To just not show up and post day out pics on the same day - she’s angry at you surely?

The quickest way to findout the real reason for her not attending would have been to not have blocked her.

I would have phoned after the honeymoon and inquired as to how she was.

Then I would remember never to invite her to anything again if her excuse was flakey.

Just to sa also I personally wouldn’t contact either her or her husband after this