How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

Again I never said he couldn’t work

Of course it's her money. They are married. What lives do some people lead? Once you have children, forget the 'my money, your money' malarkey.

No, it's "their" money. Which means he has a say in how it is spent. OP can't unilaterally decide to go and spend it on things for her.

Imagine being a pilot and going off for days and having to leave your child with a nanny. The guilt and stress would be huge. What a miserable life the child would have.

Not at all, but the reality is it leaves women incredibly vulnerable to think for even a single second that they are in any way vital to a man’s life because as you see so frequently here- they aren’t.

A man can walk away tomorrow and owe nothing at all more than child maintenance, he doesn’t have to do any childcare, he doesn’t have to pay for nursery, he doesn’t have to juggle being a parent with his job, he can walk away and as long as he pays his % in CMS that’s quite literally all he has to do, and he’d be left with more money doing that than funding a SAHP. It’s shit, but that is the reality. It leaves a woman very vulnerable to forget that because as we sadly see here so often, men can walk away, and if you think you’re so central to everything it’s a truly horrible shock when reality hits and you realise you’re not.

Being a SAHM is a totally valid choice, but it’s not an essential one or one that single handedly keeps a man’s careers running and it’s very very naive to think otherwise.

And the “we’re married it’s our money” literally only helps you when you’re getting divorced, lots of married couples still have separate finances. nobody is entitled to a penny of the other’s income if you’re still married- only when you’re negotiating your divorce settlement.

Try hiring a 24 hour nursery nurse.

Mm you have nearly 5k a year to spend on beauty treatments and clothes etc. I personally think that's fine for most people. In your situation I would ask for vouchers for beauty clinic for birthday, Xmas and Mother's Day etc and fund my treatment that way.

The point is that in reality he wouldn’t need to.

He could walk tomorrow, never do any childcare, all he’d have to pay is his % via CMS, no paying for nursery or anything else. His career wouldn’t change, his income wouldn’t change, he’d be left with more money just paying his % then funding a full family anyway.

It’s shit, but that is the reality.

I can but as DH tells me/shows me when he checks the amount each month there’s no need for me to. Fortunately there’s not been such an emergency I’ve needed to use it. We usually check the savings account together when we’re dithering about thinking of using it/huge expense.

Please Google how commas work

That was totally uncalled for OP.

And this is the key point. If you can afford it and it's not prohibiting you from your share of the bills (with considerable deduction given the amount of unpaid work your contribution brings to the household) then he needs to wind his neck in. How would he feel if the roles were reversed?

I think the extra info you have given regarding having a little savings pot and putting the additional money in monthly gives some really relevant context here OP.
With all due respect, you're not being very pragmatic here. Ignoring all of the SAHM stuff and how much other people have to spend etc, your personal circumstances as you have indicated them would lend toward increasing the amount of money for your beauty regime not being reasonable. You are a SAHM, you have no intention of returning to work for at least another 6 years, having a savings pot to cover possible negative circumstances is essential for that plan to work and outweighs your need for more botox (in my opinion).

You're obvously a smart woman, budget your money that you do get more wisely to cover what you want to have done. Take the offer of the gifts to cover the bits that don't fit in your budget.

I hope your issues with your body image resolve themselves 💗

I think when the OP is reduced to belittling people’s use of commas she’s somewhat lost the argument.

Where do you live? I pay £70 for microneedling. Are you getting extras for the £200?

He agreed upon £400 as your pocket money and can afford it. Would he rather it was spent on coffees, hair & nails and clothes?! I think if that's what you want to spend it on, then that's fine. He obviously has an issue with his money going on treatments and clearly thinks you don't need it and it's a waste of money. If it would make him feel better you could spend it on what he prefers, then he could gift you treatments for Christmas and birthdays. I'm so glad I'm working again and I have my own money, and never have to justify purchases to my husband. I never had pocket money as we were too poor without my salary. But I would have spent it on the gym, phone package, hair and nails and perhaps a fancy coffee machine!

OP: AIBU
MN: Yes
OP No I am not.

Sure and he can bill her for housing and food, car etc. that argument never works.

I’m afraid that’s not how the law works. I am sure you’ve noticed pay slips are not in the spouses name. It is his money he earned it, there is no law that says it is hers, any agreement to share is made between the two of them, and ultimately it is his decision. And he has shared, they have little savings, she wants to be home, the issue is she’s eyeing up the income and wanting to blow it on beauty treatments. On top of her 400 a month fun money.

He has no issue on her spending the £400 on whatever she wants. He is not controlling or dictating in any way.

The issue is that OP doesn't want to spend her £400 on her beauty treatments and wants to use family money instead. Spending family money requires joint discussion.

To answer the question in your title - I had the same to spend on myself as DH had to spend on himself. Once all bills/outgoings/savings were prioritised, we halved what was left. Some months we had more than others, but always the same.

Obviously what you do enables him to work, and what he does enables you to be a sahp. Teamwork

You're asking if 400 is enough? You've said it's the same as he gets, so on a simple level that seems fair

Do you get other money for the needs of the dc? If you're spending your money on them then you need to raise that.

You've said the money is just sitting there, do you mean it's in savings, or that it's excess after the monthly spends and being used to increase savings?

I agree. It was rude and I apologise. This thread wound me up a bit. Not an excuse for being a twat though.

Putting aside the bickering over SAHMs and their value...I've been a SAHM from the day my eldest was born, giving up a fabled MN "six figure salary" as an attorney to be at home with my DC.

In answer to your question: I don't "get" any money to spend on myself each month as a SAHM. I spend whatever I want.

And that's not that much. I don't WANT to spend money on clothes or treatments that serve to make me prettier or feel better about my appearance (partly because I don't value those things, partly because I think that money would literally otherwise go to our children's education fund or our pensions). I don't think it's fair that I get the privilege of not working, not having bills to worry about, and being with my children as much as I want while my DH works full time. I do it, and we both want me to do it, because this set up works for the whole family and our wider family. We pull our weight equally, over the years and overall. He's in charge of money, I'm in charge of everything else. Equal contributions in our case. My DH isn't going out spending money on his personal enrichment other than on sports which he works around his work and family commitments. I do the same, to a basically equal amount (haven't counted but over the years I'm sure it's pretty much the same).

This isn't about money so much as about what you're asking for. You're asking for family money to be spent on extra, unnecessary (and they are unnecessary) beauty treatment from which only you benefit, over and above an agreed amount that you both get. Your family contributions and his cancel each other out. Your equal allowances cancel each other out. Why do you feel entitled to more than the agreed equal amount, and angrily so?

We have a separate pot for dc

What matters is where the money is, not the payslip. If it's in an account that has your name on it then it's your money right?