How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

Let’s just hope in 5/10/15 years time you aren’t wishing the £000s spent on microneedling were in the savings account, OP.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You’re right! You must look after yourself to feel good. Having children is a real shock to the system, SAHP or not.

What about you put together a list of all the treatments/activities you want to do, put together a new monthly budget and talk to your husband?
If it’s affordable for your household, argue that’s it’s essential for your well being and that you’d really appreciate his support until you are back to feel yourself.

SAHP also have the right to look after themselves, it’s not the privilege of the earning ones.

I think £400 is quite a bit, by the sounds of it he is funding family meals, food shop, bills etc. The child is half yours as well it's not like you are just looking after his kid and you also have the luxury of being a stay at home parent which really means you can do what you feel like when you feel like it. I'm a housewife i guess? as all my kids are at school and I'd rather have less material things and the freedom it allows me.

£0.00 most months 🤣. I’m a single working parent so all my cash goes on the kids and saving for a yearly holiday or Christmas/birthdays. I get clothes out of any Christmas/birthday money I receive, or if my Mum asks me to go shopping with her.

WTAF?!

A very gracious apology.

As a single mum, what a wonderfull parent to love your children so , so very well done , my grand daughter is in this position as the dad walked out on her , she works as a surveyor just had a baby , she says she can do this and she will l am a grandad. I admire you and her . Well done

I hate these threads. Marriage, a shared home, a child - income is one pot. Run a basic joint budget, agree what ‘extras’ for all in family (you, him, child) need to be discussed and do it together…

I think the SAHM part is actually irrelevant to the question of how much you have to spend each month. DH and I have the same amount each every month and that’s been the case ever since we got married. He’s always worked full time and always earned more than me. I’ve done every possible combination - two bouts of full time - before DC and when they were teenagers onwards; SAHM until youngest was at school and then various P/T roles school hours and term time. We always have a central pot and then spending money each month. That’s the only bit of money that’s ‘mine’ and ‘his’ and even then the other day DH said, ‘the money in my personal account has built up and is far more than I need, (he doesn’t spend much from there except for presents for me) I’ll stick some back in the main account.’ Also to say we decide money things together, there is no extra ‘say’ given to DH because he earns more. We both contribute to the household in various ways, some financial and some practical. Having said that we would both have something to say if we thought the other person was being wasteful or misusing the system. OP your reference to being ‘entitled’ to some of the money is true in one way - it’s your money as much as DH’s but surely in a marriage it’s not about trying to get as much as we can for ourselves, it’s about what’s best for the family as a whole and both parties need to have one eye on that the whole time.

I think you should sit down and agree your financial priorities across the board. For example you may feel there’s enough in the account each month for you to spend £600 on beauty treatments, however you as a couple may also want to save some for a holiday next year or pay the mortgage off early so you can retire at 55 or whatever…You need to work out your short and long term goals and priorities and budget accordingly. You also need to bear in mind that there are many claims on the pot of money and many things you could reasonably do with it to benefit one or all of you in some way. It’s about finding the things that would give you most value as a couple or family unit based on your collective priorities. If you don’t agree you will have to compromise!

Controversially, I actually think youre better suited to going back to work.

You have gone to great lengths to tell people how essential and valued you are to your household and that you husband wouldn't be able to do it without you. Which isn't strictly true.

It must have been hard to give up such a high-powered career such as law and just stop working.

That might have had a knock to your self esteem as well. Lawyers make pretty big decisions that can affect somebody's life we handle large amounts of money, negotiate large amounts of money. I do wonder if when constantly going on about your value in life, if you wouldn't be better going back to work as a lawyer. You'll have money for all your treatments and be able to save better

Oh I see! In that case I think the treatments should be discussed and agreed with your husband, as it's coming from the main pot. I think birthdays and Christmas would be good times for vouchers for treatments!

I agree OP and the responsibility of ft cc is enormous.
That said, £400 pm for personal spending only is an extremely generous amount imo

With a DH as a pilot working not in the same country and unsociable hours then the OP would most likely need a live-in nanny to be a full time lawyer in that situation. That might not be what they want as a family…

Are you happy for his personal spending money to increase to the same level yours 'needs' to?

£400 personal spends is totally fair in my opinion. I refuse to believe anyone the same age as me needs all those treatments. I also have children, suffered badly from postpartum depression and put a shitload of weight on. My youngest is nearly 3 now. I look like a sack of shit some days but I’m not spending my husband’s money on microneedling, Botox and red-light therapy.

Buy decent skincare products, take a collagen supplement, save some money for a couple of months and buy yourself a red-light mask. All doable on £400.

OP I’m not sure how you resolve this. You can see on here how women feel about your spending. The fact is your husband is of the same view. You said he’s throwing it back in your face.

You do facilitate his life. Have you worked out how much childcare would cost? That’s the bill I’d be presenting to show how much you are “saving” him in costs. Add your lost pension contributions into the mix.

I’m not sure how you sort things if he’s casting up money at this stage. You say you want to have another baby. Will he become more resentful at the increasing costs that he thinks he’s covering?

Perhaps you could investigate buying an LED mask for home use to save money. I bought an IPL device and it’s really effective, I wish I’d bought it years ago because I could have saved myself a fortune. So you need a review of your treatments but also an agreement that your 400 ‘pocket money’ 🤢 be reviewed annually in line with inflation.

Someone up thread made a serious point about the harm you’re doing to your own career by being out of the workplace for such an extended period. This is something you need to weigh up. Having a baby can be a head fuck and puts such pressure on relationships. I’m sorry you had such a hard time post birth. I hope you can get back to a more harmonious home life.

This.

OP has already confirmed that they both have the same amount of spending money.

When I was on extended mat leave, we had an account for ‘fun money’ and put £2K in it to share between us each month. It worked pretty well.

DH and I are ‘all money is family money’ people, though. We also think that homemaking/childcare and paid employment are of equal importance to the family unit. That seems an unpopular position on MN.

Well yes, obviously, she’s not in paid employment so that also comes out of the money her husband brings in, which he can afford to do. And OP says that they can afford to pay for the treatments without using her £400, and as they are married she should have access to the family money

Lol!! A stitch up post!! Funny Funny 😅

You do facilitate his life. Have you worked out how much childcare would cost? That’s the bill I’d be presenting to show how much you are “saving” him in costs. Add your lost pension contributions into the mix

I suspect the OP is in the Middle East and if she were to present a bill for childcare to her husband she could very well be presenting him with one for less, equivalent to, or not much more than her 400 pounds a month spending money (if they’re that way inclined). It’s the point I made earlier when people were emphasising how he’d be up a gum tree if she went back to work - he wouldn’t be.

It depends on your definition of up a gum tree doesn’t it? Lots of assumptions being made here to fit the prevailing argument! Let me add one of my own; the cost of the night nanny when the husband is flying away for four days at a time. And who wants a child looked after by staff day and night for four days with no interaction from family members? OK once or twice in a crisis but not as a regular arrangement.

What a rude post! I notice that have gone to great lengths to let people know you are a lawyer by using “we” in the sentence there.

Op only has-been “going on” (she actually defended herself once) about her value in the home because other women on here are demeaning the role of sahm when last time I looked feminism isn’t meant to be about disparaging other women’s choices when there are children in the home who need looking after.