How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me

While I don't necessarily disagree with your fundamental gripe, this argument that your DH "can't work" without your SAHM infrastructure is just self-serving nonsense.

I was a single mum for ten years while working in the City with absolutely no external income coming in other than my salary and no unpaid childcare and I made it work and got promoted multiple times while feeding, clothing and making my child happy. He absolutely would be able to work, run a home and have a child without you. He just likes for things to run with minimal friction and disruption to his routine. There are millions of working couples who manage to make their lives work without having an "infrastructure" at home.

This argument repeatedly gets used by men in "Big Jobs" to justify making life harder for working women and refusing to allow them reasonable allowances to deal with childcare etc. And by women to justify the fact that they've thrown their careers away and it really gets my hackles up when I hear this.

If you want to stop work stop work but a) don't kid yourself that your precious husband couldn't survive without your "infrastructure" (he could, he just likes an easy life) and b) accept that if you don't work you hand over financial autonomy to someone else.

If you were working, no one would question your right to spend your money on whatever you like. I don't disagree with people getting botox but you can't both choose to be totally economically unproductive and complain when you can't have luxuries which most working women can't afford.

Why do you keep going on about this word 'value' @Moonnstars. It's obvious how she adds value. Her child doesn't have to go to childcare for a start. Or be left with a nanny. The value is her child's daily quality of life, first and foremost.

I think it’s hard to seperate the fact that of course it’s family money, so you can stake a claim on half of it, you agreed together you’d be a SAHP, but then if my DW wanted to use £0000s on beauty treatments on top on £400pm, even if we could afford it, and even though she works, I’d want to say get real, we can put that money to good use. If DW decided to go ahead with it, then I’d probably seperate our finances, as I wouldn’t want to be paying half towards the cost. So I don’t blame your DH for saying you should save up if you want to do it. I’d suggest getting some flexible part time work if you’re a qualified lawyer so you can pay for it yourself instead of taking it from the family pot

I’m a lawyer, working full time and a mum of two. I earn about £150k with bonuses and my DH earns similar. There are not many months that I spend more than £400 on myself (excluding my commuting costs and lunch when I go to the office). I am not telling you this to make you feel bad, but because I want you to be realistic. When I was on mat leave I only got stat mat pay which was just over £500 back then. DH and I agreed that would be my personal spends but I used to spend quite a bit of it on my DCs.

Of course you add value and are contributing to your family OP, it might not be financial value but there are other kinds.

I’m a SAHM and I absolutely believe it’s added value to my children in their early years, they have benefited from me being a SAHM and spending so much time with them, just as a child of a working mum benefits in different ways.

Being a SAHM has meant that my autistic son is able to do a manageable reduced time table at school, I can pick him up at the drop of a hat if he is having a particularly bad day, of course it benefits him and adds value to his emotional and mental wellbeing.

I am able to manage the bulk of the house stuff/ life admin during the day so that most evenings and weekends we benefit from uninterrupted family time. Both me and DH live pretty stress free lives because of our set up and that benefits us as a family.

Your family will benefit from it what you do even if it’s not financial. Other families where mum is working will benefit in other ways, perhaps financially, promoting work ethic or being just a good role model.

Being a SAHM is a privilege and it is something I am grateful that we can afford to do but there are many women out there who value their careers and financial independence and would never want to be a SAHM and that’s fine as well. Both choices are completely valid and valuable in different ways.

To actually answer your question we each have a £500 per month personal budget and that covers all of my personal spending. I definitely do think that your treatments should come from your budget and maybe it would be a good idea for you both to sit down and go through your finances to work out if there’s any room for that to be increased at all. If not then I think you just need to prioritise, I do some things myself (nails, waxing, eyebrows etc) and pay for other things.

But how is it 'adding' value?
I can understand he might value her as a partner, giving up work, looking after the home and raising the children, but she says she 'adds' value and I wondered how.

Does this mean that children of parents who work lose value? Aren't valued? Have a poor quality of life?

I know. I was quoting someone advising nursing or medicine as alternative professions.

£400 a month sounds a lot to me. But I’ve no idea of the cost of those beauty treatments. I have been a SAHM for years, haircut once a year, never needed more than a pot of Essie varnish and a pair of eyebrow pluckers. My husband is a doctor, so not as lucrative as a pilot. I’m naturally self-confident and content though, and thankfully never had MH problems connected to my appearance.
Does the £400 cover clothes and recreation too?

I haven’t read the whole thread as I predicted it would end in SAHM bashing.

What I will say is although my DH earns loads more than me - it is joint, family money and he says so. He knows that if I didn’t scale down my career and take some time off he wouldn’t have advanced in his (whether Mumsnet agrees with this or not).

You just need equal money to spend on yourselves and that amount should be affordable and not taking away from other things. Nobody really knows the ins and outs of your finances

If he spends £400 on himself every month then you can do the same.

We are less prescriptive. I do work part time so I use my money for non essentials like face treatments. But lunches/coffees/some clothes/holidays with the girls..that comes out of ‘family money’ As he would spend all that too.

Years ago? The kid is about 2.

I work FT and funnily enough my high flying well paid husband also manages to work and be a parent. Suggesting he couldn’t work if you didn’t stay at home is nonsense.
Having said that, I wouldn’t be happy with £400 a month especially if my husband got more. You need to re-draw the rules and get exactly the same amount each. We have more than that a month each and can afford it. But honestly, your biggest weapon here to get yourself more money is to go back to work

You save £42 a month of your £250 and have the £500 for your annual chipmunk session.

I’ve never said:

“this argument that your DH "can't work" without your SAHM infrastructure”

He could work without my involvement but his children would be raised by a non parent. Dh is often away.

&Moonnstsrs - Some people 'value' quality of life and believe their child is far better off with them in the early years, than with a paid person. Most small children would rather spend their days with mum, than a childcare worker - so that is the value and why lots of mums want to SAH if they possibly can. It's surely not that hard to grasp.

I’m with your husband on this.

You are describing (non essential imo) luxuries.
Honestly you need a good dose fresh air and maybe some cake and a coffee afterwards.

Join a local sports group for women, football, rounders, netball. Both of these will be better for your MH, self esteem and fitness than any beauty treatment x

This was literally your words:

”I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me.”

Yes, he’s away a lot. Like oil-rig workers and civil engineers and military folk. A large proportion of whom have working partners.

Why is it nonsense? Ft childcare that fits around a pilot’s shifts and frequent overnight absences costs an absolute fortune! And it would have to take account of delays, and built-in flexibility is even more ££££. You’d have to have a live-in nanny as a single parent I think?

My dh was in the military when we were first married and only had leave every four months or so. He definitely needed me to take care of the dc. I worked ft later on but it just wasn’t feasible with pre-schoolers.

Why only mums though? Why don’t an equal number of fathers want to have their children with them in the early years?

Because society expects it to be mums, which is why the gender pay gap exists and it regularly (apparently) means it makes financial sense for mum to give up work/go part time/reduce opportunities and pension provision and round and round we go again.

This sounds like the “Is £150 per week enough for fun money” thread to me .

All those treatments scream luxury, rather than essential. If you want them, fund them.

She adds value by taking any concerns about childcare off her husband. He never has to worry about covering child sickness, ensuring he finishes work in time to collect from childcare, having to drop the kids to nursery in the morning, making sure the kids are dressed and ready to go with bags packed for nursery. When I became a sahm my husband definitely enjoyed the freedom from all that. It allowed him to do what he needed to do at work to ensure his career flourished.

Anyway, from the op's post they both have the same amount of spending money allocated. So op, when you say you know the extra money is 'sitting there' what do you mean? In a savings account?

Surely there must be some compromise here, you seem to want to spend excessive amounts on beauty stuff. Can't you just agree a smaller amount for this?

There are an increasing number of sahds at our local primary school,

I don’t get why people are taking exception to this comment.

I’m not claiming that other choices are wrong, I’m just saying my role has value. In our family’s situation, my husband’s schedule is unpredictable and I’m the one who handles all the logistics so our household runs smoothly. Dh is often away for days at a time. I absorb that burden.

Our kids get the majority of their care from a parent, which is something we’ve chosen intentionally.

Just because you can outsource every task doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for every family. That’s all I meant. And of course it’s a privilege

That was me and I wasnt quoting them as alternative professions for her to do. You misunderstood.

I was citing example by saying there are some professions that have shortages and would take you back after a decade out e.g. nursing and medicine.

Law on the other hand is oversubscribed and she'll struggle to go back after 10 years out.

Yes, we have savings (nothing spectacular). But we also put away a bit each month.