How much do you get to spend on you each month? SAHM

[Khor]

I have a monthly budget of £400. We decided on this figure pre pregnancy and at the time it sounded very reasonable. This includes beauty treatments (nails, hair etc), clothes, coffee, gym membership (but not meals out as a couple/family).

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We purposely delayed starting a family for financial reasons. Dh is a pilot, I am a lawyer. Both 33.

I was happy with our plan as I believed it meant we would not have money struggles when I took extended time off to be a SAHM. I hope to have a second child soon and return to work when they start school.

In the last year or so I have really began to prioritise self care. Having my baby really impacted my body image/mh. I have had a few beauty treatments (microneedling, red light therapy and Botox). Dh believes this should come out of my personal fund. Obviously these treatments aren’t cheap so in no way would I be able to cover it.

I know it’s A LOT more than most are able to spend on themselves. I am grateful. But Dh keeps throwing it back in my face that I was the one who threw out the figure of £400. Which is true but that was years ago when I hadn’t gone through pregnancy and post partum. My confidence really took a knock and feeling like the old me is very important to me. I spent 6 months overweight, basically housebound, basically not caring about myself and it really brought me down. I have since come off anti depressants, lost weight and made major improvements.

We can cover these costs without it coming from my fund.

Who is right? It’s my money also I don’t think DH has anymore of a right to tell me how it’s allocated.

Also curious how much most SAHMs spend on just themselves each month.

I think the suggestion upthread to increase your personal allowance is a good one. Even if it 'only' goes up by £100 you can decide what to spend it on, without it being a debate each time.

I’m saying he couldn’t do it all..

He could obviously still work but he would have to compromise somewhere down the line

I'd be telling my husband to get stretched if he wanted to spend ludicrous amounts of money on absolute shite whilst not working or bringing any money in.

Well he doesn't sound unreasonable to me. I can see why he might be worried about the snowballing costs of all these treatments. Surely it's fair enough to want to draw a line somewhere? Do you really expect to spend endless amounts on it?

I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me.

He would. He would just do things differently. No one is indispensable.

I'm a sahm and I could not survive on £400 a month, but my circumstances are different from yours. I think it's perfectly reasonable to revisit a budget and make adjustments but botox and microneedling are not essential expenditure and if there's isn't extra money for them then you'd have to go without.

Agree. That sounds sensible to me. Each of you get an extra bit each month

OP, it probably won't help your thread to reply to posters who just want to carp on about the ins and outs of SAHM status.
Lots of people have an axe to grind, or huge amounts of mum guilt, and it is not helping to answer your original question.

I suggest you ask DH if you can BOTH have an increase in your personal spending allowance (he can save his in an account in his name if he doesn't want to spend it). But you are massively unreasonable in wanting to spend joint family savings on personal beauty treatments.

I've been with my DH for 40 + years, a lot of that time as a SAHM working jobs to fit in with the kids.

I've always been aware that I've never and still don't contribute anywhere near what my DH does financially to the "pot".

But, we have never had yours and mine.

I've always had access to our joint bank account/s.
Also I use a credit card, paid in full...Martin Lewis voice..monthly from that same joint account.

But even I'd draw a line on expecting him to sub me more spending money for cosmetic things like botox and microbeading.

These are ongoing treatments that'll only rise in price.

@Khor He could work without my involvement but his children would be raised by a non parent. Dh is often away

We’re a family with pilots in it and I think that unless people have firsthand knowledge of living the life then they won’t understand the shift/work patterns involved, and the upheaval it can cause in even the best run homes which is why very often a woman becomes a SAHM once children are on the scene.

Im looking at your username and wondering if your husband is flying with a Middle East airline, and if so have you perhaps got caught up in the way of life that I regularly see in certain circles of the expat community where looks are very important, and very much part of being in that community even work wise.

You have 400 pounds a month to spend on yourself and if one of the treatments will cost 200 pounds you can still have if you spend less on other things. But I suspect you don’t want to do that, you want to have it all, even though no ordinary family has a bottomless pit budget to spend as they want.

eta - how much do I have to spend every month? I have discretion up to 1000 and after that what I need would probably already be allocated to another fund and I would access that after speaking with my husband. . None of it would ever be spent on Botox or the likes though as I just don’t believe in these things but I am currently spending 320 pounds a month on Mounjaro (and have done for a year) and my personal trainer costs 480 so I’m left with about 200 which is enough for me, I’m happy with it. I’m also a lot older than you and though I have this money to spend in my late 60’s I would never have had it as a SAHM mum when my children were young, despite my husbands very well paid job.

I think we underestimate the pressure many people feel about being the sole earner. I know that whenever I was on mat leave my DH at the time was worried about what would happen if he was made redundant/the boiler broke down/we needed a new car, etc. Although we had savings and could have managed for a reasonable period, it wasn’t a time to be splurging on luxuries. Most of what you are describing can be classed as luxuries and so I can understand why your DH would want to keep an eye on the cash flow until you are back to work. I think £400 a month ‘fun money’ is plenty until you are generating an income again.

You only put a bit away each month. Is that the bit you want to go to you rather than the saving pot? How bit is the saving pot? What is it for.

Ultimately, both tou and your OH agreed to you being a sahm for these years so you sont have to justify your choice.

However it seems that he doesn't agree on how much you are and want to spend on beauty products that he doesn't think you need.

If your saving g pot is already huge, he has no desire to or interest in spending more than £400 a month, and you're already paying very comfortably into a private pension fund to make up for the years of not working, than maybe it wouldn't be a big deal with the e tra bit now going to you for extra luxuries.

If the above doesn't all apply, then you need to redirect the extra bit available to more important pots.

I’m a SAHM wife out of choice; I/we decided on a career break whilst our children are small/until they start school.

DH transfers the majority of his salary into the joint account on payday. The same day a round figure is automatically transferred over to my account to cover direct debts from my account (a lot of these are slowly being transferred over to the joint account, but that’s my laziness). It means I have small savings; thinking of throwing DH a big surprise party soon.

The rest of our bills come out of the joint account. Probably leaves £1300 for us to use as we please (in an ideal world we would save some more money each month but that doesn’t usually happen) as we both use the joint card as standard.

On payday DH will let me know he’s transferred what he calls ‘our’ wages to the ‘main’ (joint) account. He’ll also tell me how much is in our savings/rainy day fund.

We’re both very careful with money. We don’t squander money, and try to save where we can. DH would let me have the shirt off his back if it made me happy. Prekids I would always get my nails done on a monthly basis but now I don’t bother. DH sometimes say I should ‘treat’ myself but I’m really not phased by that kind of thing anymore.

I’m the most content I’ve ever been. It’s a simple life now. But I think I’m content with how supportive/appreciative DH is to me and don’t feel the need to have the approval of the outside world.

Then HE can pay her per hour for childcare, cleaning, cooking costs etc.

I'm a SAHM. I don't have a budget or limit for money to spend on myself... some months it is probably limited to about £30 on coffees! At the other extreme, I got comprehensive invisalign which cost over 4k. I guess my point is, as soon as you make a budget "for yourself", you're going to be constantly asking the question of whether expenses fall into that category or not.

Aren't you able to check the savings yourself?

Then HE can pay her per hour for childcare, cleaning, cooking costs etc

I think you’d find that if the OP is Middle East based as I suspect due to her username, that rather than pay her for everything you’ve mentioned above theres more chance the husband would say you should go back to work and we can hire a maid and a nanny to do the job for a lot less.

I’ve never said:
“this argument that your DH "can't work" without your SAHM infrastructure”
He could work without my involvement but his children would be raised by a non parent. Dh is often away.

You literally said: ”I’m the infrastructure that supports my family’s livelihood. Dh would not be able to work, run a home and have a child without me.”

I have no problem with the way people arrange their family lives. But I do roll my eyes pretty hard when I hear people trot out these "he couldn't do it without my help" remarks. As someone who literally did everything for ten years (all the breadwinning, including extensive travel), all the domestic work, all the planning and mental load, I know there are millions of us who run our lives perfectly competently while also doing a high-impact job.

The reason this matters is that so many men take advantage of this "facilitation" at home to climb the career ladder faster because they can work much longer, less sociable hours than working women, while simultaneously using their Big Swinging Breadwinner status to duck out of having to do any domestic work.

Both of these things massively hold back the progress of women in the workplace, including many like me for whom work is not a choice.

So by all means arrange your life as you please and enjoy it but don't buy into this narrative that your husband can't work without you running around after him. He could do, he chooses not to.

@Khor - I have read all the comments and I feel like you're getting a bit of a hard time. I TOTALLY get where you're coming from re pregnancy blues and taking some time (and money) to feel like 'you' again.

FWIW I am not a SAHM and work compressed hours but the figure DH and I agreed on when I was on maternity leave (and if I had chosen to be a SAHM) was £800pm to cover the items you describe (and anything else I wanted).

The treatments you (and I) have are expensive and I think you should just speak to your DH about it. When I was coming to the end of my maternity leave and had a little less disposable as I'd been shopping (😬) and mentioned to DH that I was going to get my fillers & botox redone as I'd stopped breastfeeding and intended to take it out my savings, he said don't be ridiculous. He offered to pay for them as he knew how important it was for me having watched me go through PND, fight to feed our baby, got up every night with her and ensured that our home ran as smoothly as possible with minimal disruption to his work.

I appreciate people are in different financial situations and I am very lucky that this is the figure I have as disposable, when some don't even have that for everything they need to pay for during the month (without the non-essentials) - so please no one pile on me, I am merely offering support to a fellow mum.

He’s essentially is, he’s funding her entire life, child’s life & their household.

I think with the DH being a pilot and her being a lawyer people must understand how both of them working would be a complete struggle? Unless you had a live in nanny I guess. And maybe they don’t want that.

I know I’m going off topic but of course her being at home makes his life and career easier. Or do we think, as a pilot, he could do 50:50 of everything around the home? Come home if the child is ill and she’s in a meeting at work?

She needs to go to client drinks? Oh yes he can cover the evening shift. Oh hang on, he’s in Australia..

Everyone’s circumstances are different.

In your position I'd be prioritising savings tbh. Children only get more expensive as they get older, and you said you'd hoped to have a second child too. If you want a few more years as a SAHM you need a decent savings buffer.

Also, are you paying into your pension? That's another priority.

@Mrsttcno1 - The way you talk, it's like you know the price if everything but the value of nothing. It's sad to read.

Oh op the reason you’re getting the responses you are is because you’re being a little ott. Of course your husband can continue to work if you were not a sahm, and legally it is his money not yours. You’re a lawyer, you know this. You are on,y legally entitled to what he gives you, like it or not. Otherwise his employer would have your name on his pay slip too.

the fact you want expensive treatments on top of your 400 s month personal spends doesn’t change this fact. You can’t have it both ways, stay at home and spend it up, this doesn’t mean your contribution isn’t valuable, it does mean though you don’t get to stamp your feet, declare it’s your money and go spend it on Botox.

Please Google how commas work