To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

OP I suspect the Final Written Warning will have been given because the decision maker will have believed that the company would risk an unfair dismissal claim if he was dismissed. The awareness course will come in if he steps out of line again. They will be able to say there was previous action and he was clear on what was unacceptable behaviour. And then they can very quickly dismiss him. I am glad for you that there is still an income coming in. However your husband can’t put a foot wrong now. There may be some aggrieved people watching his behaviour and ready to report him. The business know he is a liability. Unfortunately he is not taking it seriously. This happened in a previous role - it’s happening again here. You have to make your own decision about the future OP and it’s really not easy. Sounds as though you rightly have the ick based on his attitude and actions and you know he’s likely to face dismissal again the future as he is unrepentant and doesn’t get it and so is likely to offend again. Good luck.

It's fucking appalling. I hope they all leave. It sounds like a boys' club there.

Imagine how many women he can help fuck over until then? It's disgusting. The whole thing.

'I have a client with mental health issues so you must excuse that he's vile to female colleagues'. Unreal.

Oh get over yourself. People are allowed to express their own opinion, and if it doesn’t match yours, that’s ok.

The way it was worded was down to her husband, she was reporting what he had said, and we know he doesn’t see the severity of his actions. She is not responsible for what her husband says.

Berating a woman down on her luck is never a good look.

@Joness2 I read your post on the day you posted and I've just now seen your updates, I just wanted to reach out and say I'm really sorry you've had to go through this and I'm sure you are absolutely disgusted with him. Given the fact he is still minimising this (with encouragement from the rep ffs) and not accepting the seriousness and abhorrentness of this means, as I'm sure you are aware, the next bills may be covered but you can not rely on him for future bills as he will do this again.
I understand its not a simple decision or simple action just to end your marriage and walk away/get him to leave and whatever you decide is your business and for nobody else to judge. I would urge you though to get some financial stability in place as soon as you possibly can so when (sadly not if) it happens again its at least one less worry to contend with

Kindly OP, do you really think your relationship can recover? This is how he views women. You deserve someone who has respect for you and other women. Someone who won’t risk your lives together for a few sexist comments. And surely his life at work cannot return to normal? I can’t imagine he will last there, I bet he will be managed out eventually because no one will want to work with him.

You have a lot to think about and a lot on your plate, but you’ve allowed this once before and he STILL did it again. That means he hasn’t learned and he hasn’t changed. Your whole future is still at risk. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

This.

OP, I keep thinking of something I read on Fesshole the other day:

“Worked from home" for the past three months after I got sacked for misconduct. I get up, make coffee and join fake Zooms while the wife works from our dining room. I even fake deadlines to get out of doing domestic stuff. She still doesn't know, and my savings are running out.”

Do make sure you have the right info. just saying, please make sure you look after yourself whatever the situation is here

Why are you assuming that her DH is telling the truth about this. I can’t imagine any union rep advising anything like he has told OP. I think it’s a cover to once again minimise what he’s done and convince her it’s not as serious as she thinks. I think he’s had the bollocking of a lifetime at the meeting and just doesn’t want to tell OP the truth.

Jeezo, what am I reading! Your DH is an absolute disgrace op, but you know this. You have my sympathies. The union rep is appalling too, and the sooner they retire the better. I wish you luck for the future op, you have decisions to make for sure.

Well so far, according to OP it’s a drink and a quick shag if OP’s up to it !!

With all due respect it's not about the rep, even if what you DH said about the interaction is true. It's not about losing the job or the prospect of it. It's about whether you want to stay with a man who behaves this way and has an attitude like this towards women, and tries to gaslight you by saying you are making it about yourself. Of course it's about you-you are the woman in his life. I feel he needs to admit his behaviour is problematic and that his behaviour is causing women distress and you distress as well. I recommend you at the very least insist on couple counselling to work through how his behaviour has affected your relationship. Unless he can see that he has done wrong and acknowledges the impact on you I don't see how you can go forward.

I don’t think the union rep said anything of the sort. It’s a cover story to convince the OP that it’s ‘just bants ’ and what better way than to try to convince her than someone else other than himself is minimising this vile behaviour.

I didn’t know you were down on your look? But if you’re referring to the OP, she did choose to marry and have kids with this person, who will have always been the same. 🤷‍♀️

So if he's on a final written warning now, how safe is his job really with his attitude?

If this is true, the husband is a filthy specimen, I loathe even reading about him. He even minimised his behaviour and said about a quick drink and a shag to his wife. He really has no respect.
You really need to get away from this Pig OP. Do you want this piece of shit to be a role model to your children?
You and your children deserve better. Also in your cases you are known by the company you keep. Dissacotiate yourself from this creep.

Was he thinking of the team when he was behaving inappropriately with a female colleague?

I bet he’s constantly saying these kind of comments and everyone is fed up of him and so started to report him.

He sounds utterly vile! I very much doubt it’ll be long before he loses his job, I’m gobsmacked he still has one tbh!

What a vile individual. Stating the obvious i know

OP really doesn’t need this crap. She realises what’s going on and she realises she has a difficult time ahead of her, but in real life you can’t just up and leave when you have children to think about. Do you not think she has enough to think about without logging on to a site she went to for support and seeing posters calling her DH a filthy pig and suggesting she’s letting herself down by the company she keeps ? He’s still her husband - that may not be for much longer, but a bit of respect for OP at least wouldn’t go amiss. She’s just as much the wounded party here.

That message would be nail in coffin for me (well, actually the first incident would have been).
He doesn’t care. He thinks it’s a huge joke. He’s a sexist and he will do it again.

Urgh. I work in an industry (FS) where that type of 'banter' was uncommon, but did happen 15-20 years ago and as a young woman I was on the receiving end of it more than once. I still remember those events to this day and I spent a lot of time playing them back in my head, worrying what I'd done 'wrong'.

OP, your husband's behaviour is disgusting and IMO he was very, very lucky and probably only got away with it as he's a good performer with an 'unblemished' record (of course you know it's not really unblemished).

They'll be keeping an eye on him now & he appears to have learned nothing from this or the previous incident. How crass to propose drinking and 'a shag' when drinking and crude sexual language got him into the situation. I know your thread is about his employment, but I do wonder how he conducts himself socially & what impact that has on you and your kids. e.g. You won't necessarily know what events you're not invited to or why.....

Always one