To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

I'm not sure how that's relevant to my comment? The union rep obviously knows what he himself said and I just thought it would be interesting (hypothetically) to see if he would agree with the husband's version of their conversation after the meeting.

My point is that we don't know for sure that he did say it. We only have the lying husband's word for it. So if he was reported he could end up suspended and investigated and not actually have said anything.

The husband will have lied about the matey chat after.

I reckon he was given a proper bollocking in reality but he would rather eat his own eyes than admit it.

OP good luck with getting your ducks in a row. Do it at your own pace but you can't stay with this total jeb end. He will destroy your life financially and in every other way with the next few stunts that he pulls. You can't have that worry day and night. It will eat your soul.

Oh I really can’t stand people playing the MH card - it trivialises actual mental health issues and people who genuinely need help won’t be taken seriously. You do realise that poor mental health is extremely debilitating and life changing, don’t you?

Disgusting attitude. I agree that the rep needs reporting too. It’s not about being woke. It’s hardly a laughing matter when some bloke at work is making vile sexual remarks to women. 🤮

Very good point!

The job doesn’t matter, not telling and not actually being remorseful for the comments is the issue - what matters is your DH thinks this is in any way right, or appropriate in ANY situation let alone the workplace. If I was that woman I would not be happy with the outcome and would be taken further action as she isn’t safe. The comment alone are divorce worthy. It’s really annoying when you have tied finances but if he can’t even understand what he has done wrong (thinks it’s wokeness, banter or otherwise), then there is no future there for any healthy relationship with any woman. It’s just sad you didn’t find out who he was until now.

He's on a FWW, but they will be watching him and the minute he steps out of line again (and he will, because he sees nothing wrong in his vile behaviour) he will be out on his ear.

He might have got away with it but he's obviously a liar, been there done that, they wear you down & you end up doubting yourself - they win & your mental health suffers.

I think these days that can be and should have been an immediate dismissal. He has breached the Equality Act and has therefore put his employer at risk. By now the victims could raise a grievance thay they had to continue working with this man for months after he said these heinous things. Their workplace is not compliant.

Unionised just says it all. A gibbon could interpret and apply the Equality Act, it is that straightforward. But it is seemingly beyond this union rep.

You mean nothing to this man.

You say a gibbon could interpret the Equality Act and yet you’ve clearly misinterpreted it yourself. To be subject to immediate dismissal for making these comments, the behaviour would have to meet the threshold for gross misconduct. So the comments would have to breach company policy, be an abuse of power or coercive in some way, cross into criminal behaviour or be part of a pattern for which the employee has been previously warned. To name but a few. And there would still have to be an investigation to ensure the process has been fair to all.

There have been a number of cases where employees have been summarily dismissed for this kind of behaviour, but have successfully brought unfair dismissal cases because the employer didn’t follow procedure. Including, if memory serves, a Barclays exec who didn’t deny his behaviour but successfully argued that he was treated unfairly during the investigation and subsequent dismissal procedure.

I’d bet the farm the union rep didn’t say any of these things. It sounds remarkably like DH has made it up to support his narrative of ‘it’s just bants’ and he’s done nothing wrong.

So sorry you’re with such a lowlife OP - hope you can create a better life for yourself soon.

In the real world you don’t just pack your stuff and go. OP knows she has a decision to make but she has to do it in her own time and make sure she has her ducks in a row first.

What ‘further action’ do you think you could take ? The employer has dealt with it according to current employment law. Employees don’t have the right to insist someone is sacked, that’s why we have proper disciplinary procedures in place.

So he feels that women who are not nice deserve to be spoken of in a misogynistic and threateningly sexual manner.

coz she deserved it

I can’t imagine how hard it is for OP to read all these posts criticising and humiliating her, saying she has not self respect and pressuring her to just tell you she’s left.

28 pages. Can you imagine how overwhelming that is?

OP please try and see the posts for what they are- multiple people, unconnected, not really thinking or caring about the practicalities of your life

his bad behavior should never lead to you feeling inadequate and helpless. He’s let you down, you are one of the victims. You can’t control or change him, so just take the time to make your own decision around it.

and thanks for updating x

There’s no need for the “you do realise” line at the OP, she’s not done anything wrong and has made it clear she doesn’t agree with what her husband has done.

You do realise that poor mental health is extremely debilitating and life changing, don’t you?

Why are you lecturing OP like this - she’s reporting back what was allegedly said, not saying it herself.

And why would she believe anything her DH has said about the rep ? I seriously doubt that a claim of mental health issues would fly at a disciplinary hearing without evidence to back it up, and no union rep who values his job would be ‘having a laugh’ about the proceedings, or advising DH to better choose who he inflicts his vile behaviour on and make sure that next time he picks someone who can ‘take a joke’.

Even typing that out has made me laugh out loud. It didn’t happen. DH has been given the bollocking of a lifetime, the union rep was instrumental in allowing him to keep his job with a written warning, and this story is to cover for the fact that he’d rather die than admit to OP how seriously his employer is taking this, and how close he came to being out on his ear.

His only saviour so far has been the disciplinary procedures the employer has to follow. Next time he won’t be so lucky - and on past history there will inevitably be a next time. I think OP has some difficult times and difficult decisions ahead of her.

Agreed. Plus what’s the point banging on about reporting the rep- who is going to do that?!?

How convenient for your DH that the Union Rep has the same mindset as him! Identical, you could day. Almost as if your DH was saying these things. It was him saying these things, wasn't it? And he's blaming the Union Rep in an effort to conceal his real character from you, just as he did by not telling you the full story of the allegations in the first place.

I do feel for you OP, as once the scales fall from one's eyes, they never go back. Take all the time you need to work out what you're going to do, but make sure you put yourself and your DC first.

And in answer to your initial question, leave him to clean up his own mess because his behaviour is unsupportable.

As a member of the union he is entitled to support and representation however, all you know is what he's told you. The union may have told him that he would be better to quit but he's hanging on thinking he can work out a deal?

I think he will be sacked. What's his plan for when this happens?

I agree that she hasn’t done anything wrong. However the way it was worded was a little insulting, to be frank, and she doesn’t seem to see the severity of his actions.

Isn’t it obvious from OPs post he has absolutely no plan and is convinced this wont happen?

Good thing she has you to admonish her and make her see the error of her ways. Let’s hope she comes back and is contrite enough to satisfy you that she understands how terrible he is.