Page 27 | To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

Joness2 · 2025-08-11T19:22:38+00:00

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles. I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc. He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it. He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved. This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual. I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments. He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’. Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

Original poster

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 18:03

He’s home and has said there is no performance plan, as his performance in role is faultless but he does need to attend some sort of awareness course.

At the Union’s advice he played the MH card saying he had some challenges at home around that time (bollocks) and he said him and the rep had a good laugh afterwards. Basically the rep said about workplaces having gone ‘woke’ but it keeps him in a job, and my husband should know which colleagues can take a joke and which can’t. All seems rather ridiculous and I feel sorry for the women involved in the complaint.

I am very angry, those who are saying I’m staying with him - in real life, those decisions aren’t made at the click of the fingers. I’m very aware I’ve a decision to make.

OP posts:

LillyPJ · 15/08/2025 18:12

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 18:03

He’s home and has said there is no performance plan, as his performance in role is faultless but he does need to attend some sort of awareness course.

At the Union’s advice he played the MH card saying he had some challenges at home around that time (bollocks) and he said him and the rep had a good laugh afterwards. Basically the rep said about workplaces having gone ‘woke’ but it keeps him in a job, and my husband should know which colleagues can take a joke and which can’t. All seems rather ridiculous and I feel sorry for the women involved in the complaint.

I am very angry, those who are saying I’m staying with him - in real life, those decisions aren’t made at the click of the fingers. I’m very aware I’ve a decision to make.

I'd report that rep to the union. He's not doing his job properly on behalf of the other employees. Maybe they should complain? Your husband doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong which shows a huge lack of awareness in today's society.

BreadInCaptivity · 15/08/2025 18:12

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 18:03

He’s home and has said there is no performance plan, as his performance in role is faultless but he does need to attend some sort of awareness course.

At the Union’s advice he played the MH card saying he had some challenges at home around that time (bollocks) and he said him and the rep had a good laugh afterwards. Basically the rep said about workplaces having gone ‘woke’ but it keeps him in a job, and my husband should know which colleagues can take a joke and which can’t. All seems rather ridiculous and I feel sorry for the women involved in the complaint.

I am very angry, those who are saying I’m staying with him - in real life, those decisions aren’t made at the click of the fingers. I’m very aware I’ve a decision to make.

I’m really sorry you are in this position.

He may not have a PP but on a FWW they will absolutely be looking for anything to push that to dismissal. His card is marked.

I can’t imagine how upset you are. He doesn’t get it does he? Nor does his union rep by the sounds of it….god help any women that person is assigned to support in the future.

I understand why you’re not going to LTB….yet.

I wouldn’t either - though the “celebration shag” would be off the table as the ick would have taken hold irrevocably.

Be smart. Go see a solicitor. Know your rights. Get a plan together and dump his ass when you have all your ducks in a row.

In the meantime I’d radiate cold fury and utter contempt.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/08/2025 18:17

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 18:03

He’s home and has said there is no performance plan, as his performance in role is faultless but he does need to attend some sort of awareness course.

At the Union’s advice he played the MH card saying he had some challenges at home around that time (bollocks) and he said him and the rep had a good laugh afterwards. Basically the rep said about workplaces having gone ‘woke’ but it keeps him in a job, and my husband should know which colleagues can take a joke and which can’t. All seems rather ridiculous and I feel sorry for the women involved in the complaint.

I am very angry, those who are saying I’m staying with him - in real life, those decisions aren’t made at the click of the fingers. I’m very aware I’ve a decision to make.

JFC I thought those types of union reps went out in the 1980s, all blokes together, covering up for each other.

As for identifying which female colleagues 'can take a joke', it's almost as though the union rep is giving him the green light to continue this abusive behaviour, but being more careful about which woman he chooses to harass.

I had to laugh at him saying that his performance in his role is faultless! I can just imagine the union rep saying 'well John may have got his penis out in in the break room a couple of times, but his spreadsheets are flawless'.

Original poster

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 18:32

He said the rep is planning to retire next year. Good!

OP posts:

noctilucentcloud · 15/08/2025 18:34

"At the Union’s advice he played the MH card saying he had some challenges at home around that time (bollocks) and he said him and the rep had a good laugh afterwards."

As someone with genuine MH difficulties this makes me furious (and I'm usually very mild-natured). The union rep (as well as your husband) should feel completely ashamed for this. (And your husband for multiple other things too). I'd also be livid if I were a colleague involved in the case too. I'm sorry and I don't wish the fallout on you, but I think he should have been sacked today.

ns87 · 15/08/2025 18:35

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

If you don't leave over this, what will you leave for?

IVbumble · 15/08/2025 18:37

ns87 · 15/08/2025 18:35

If you don't leave over this, what will you leave for?

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Stop it.

People don't need to decide to leave on your say so.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 15/08/2025 18:39

Blimey, he really doesn’t get it at all does he?! Have you given him any indication that you find what he has been saying offensive? If not it might be better to keep quiet for now while you think things through.

A friend of mine took six months to leave after finding out about about her husband’s infidelity. It takes a while to get your head around things.

Cosyblankets · 15/08/2025 18:45

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 18:03

He’s home and has said there is no performance plan, as his performance in role is faultless but he does need to attend some sort of awareness course.

At the Union’s advice he played the MH card saying he had some challenges at home around that time (bollocks) and he said him and the rep had a good laugh afterwards. Basically the rep said about workplaces having gone ‘woke’ but it keeps him in a job, and my husband should know which colleagues can take a joke and which can’t. All seems rather ridiculous and I feel sorry for the women involved in the complaint.

I am very angry, those who are saying I’m staying with him - in real life, those decisions aren’t made at the click of the fingers. I’m very aware I’ve a decision to make.

I think some people forget that this is real life with mortgages and kids and other responsibilities involved.
FWIW I don't feel I'd want to stay bit fully get that this is something that will take some organising

Someone2025 · 15/08/2025 18:48

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 18:03

He’s home and has said there is no performance plan, as his performance in role is faultless but he does need to attend some sort of awareness course.

At the Union’s advice he played the MH card saying he had some challenges at home around that time (bollocks) and he said him and the rep had a good laugh afterwards. Basically the rep said about workplaces having gone ‘woke’ but it keeps him in a job, and my husband should know which colleagues can take a joke and which can’t. All seems rather ridiculous and I feel sorry for the women involved in the complaint.

I am very angry, those who are saying I’m staying with him - in real life, those decisions aren’t made at the click of the fingers. I’m very aware I’ve a decision to make.

What field of work/ industry is he in that union representatives are saying they have become kind of woke?

ns87 · 15/08/2025 18:50

IVbumble · 15/08/2025 18:37

Stop it.

People don't need to decide to leave on your say so.

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I am on her side, she deserves so much better. I was genuinely asking what she would consider leaving for.

BreadInCaptivity · 15/08/2025 18:51

ns87 · 15/08/2025 18:35

If you don't leave over this, what will you leave for?

Show quote history

Not helpful.

Easy to type out from the comfort of your own existence.

The OP has a lot to think about to protect herself and her children.

The phrase fools rush in where angels fear to tread springs to mind.

She’s being sensible in thinking through next steps and taking time to process what’s happened.

StrikeForever · 15/08/2025 19:13

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 18:03

He’s home and has said there is no performance plan, as his performance in role is faultless but he does need to attend some sort of awareness course.

At the Union’s advice he played the MH card saying he had some challenges at home around that time (bollocks) and he said him and the rep had a good laugh afterwards. Basically the rep said about workplaces having gone ‘woke’ but it keeps him in a job, and my husband should know which colleagues can take a joke and which can’t. All seems rather ridiculous and I feel sorry for the women involved in the complaint.

I am very angry, those who are saying I’m staying with him - in real life, those decisions aren’t made at the click of the fingers. I’m very aware I’ve a decision to make.

Don’t you find yourself seeing him differently now and finding him ‘off-putting’? I would if I discovered that my husband behaved like this repeatedly.

redfishcat · 15/08/2025 19:27

Goodness to Betsy, that Union Rep needs reporting. If a Union rep is unable to see discrimination and thinks it is all woke, then they need to be investigated themselves and also placed on a FWW.
that is truly awful to hear, that the Union think degrading comments about women are a step to far.

a decent union rep would be utterly disgusted by what your husband has got to say, and should be letting him know just how out of order the remarks are

Hotflushesandchilblains · 15/08/2025 19:45

redfishcat · 15/08/2025 19:27

Goodness to Betsy, that Union Rep needs reporting. If a Union rep is unable to see discrimination and thinks it is all woke, then they need to be investigated themselves and also placed on a FWW.
that is truly awful to hear, that the Union think degrading comments about women are a step to far.

a decent union rep would be utterly disgusted by what your husband has got to say, and should be letting him know just how out of order the remarks are

I agree with this, but if the OPs husband is deluded enough to not see the issues with what he has done, I wouldn't necessarily trust his reports of anything. Its possible the union rep is also an asshole, or very old fashioned, but it is also possible that this man has twisted everything that has been said.

Omeara · 15/08/2025 20:19

2025 and women are still being failed in the workplace.

BuckChuckets · 15/08/2025 20:23

LillyPJ · 15/08/2025 18:12

I'd report that rep to the union. He's not doing his job properly on behalf of the other employees. Maybe they should complain? Your husband doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong which shows a huge lack of awareness in today's society.

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Definitely report the rep @Joness2 - that's an absolutely disgusting and inappropriate (to say the least) way for a union rep to act and talk. And your husband's a scumbag so don't worry about how he'll feel about you reporting the rep.

BuckChuckets · 15/08/2025 20:24

IVbumble · 15/08/2025 18:37

Stop it.

People don't need to decide to leave on your say so.

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Stop trying to police what other people think and say to someone who's asking for other people's opinions.

Agapornis · 15/08/2025 20:43

Record him admitting it all, email it to the woman colleague/his manager with a burner email 😈 but perhaps after you've divorced him.

MissRaspberry · 15/08/2025 20:55

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 18:03

He’s home and has said there is no performance plan, as his performance in role is faultless but he does need to attend some sort of awareness course.

At the Union’s advice he played the MH card saying he had some challenges at home around that time (bollocks) and he said him and the rep had a good laugh afterwards. Basically the rep said about workplaces having gone ‘woke’ but it keeps him in a job, and my husband should know which colleagues can take a joke and which can’t. All seems rather ridiculous and I feel sorry for the women involved in the complaint.

I am very angry, those who are saying I’m staying with him - in real life, those decisions aren’t made at the click of the fingers. I’m very aware I’ve a decision to make.

So his union rep has basically advised him to lie and it's worked. That's pretty disgusting of him and his shitty union. Mental health isn't something to lie about and use to an advantage. The guy really has no remorse for his behaviour and to him he now knows he'll get away with being a filthy sex pest just by pulling the mental health card every time he's caught out. He's not sorry at all. I really feel for you having to put up with such a tosser of a husband- it's easy to say leave him but then in a lot of cases it's easier said than done unfortunately

Laura95167 · 15/08/2025 20:58

Yeah you dont get a performance plan for misconduct or gross misconduct.

But a final warning does mean next time he fails to read a room there will be no alternative but dismissal.

I hope youre ok op

Cosyblankets · 15/08/2025 21:22

BuckChuckets · 15/08/2025 20:23

Definitely report the rep @Joness2 - that's an absolutely disgusting and inappropriate (to say the least) way for a union rep to act and talk. And your husband's a scumbag so don't worry about how he'll feel about you reporting the rep.

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We only have the husband's word for it that he said that
I wouldn't believe a word he said.
You can't go reporting him with only the information from someone who lies

LillyPJ · 15/08/2025 21:36

Cosyblankets · 15/08/2025 21:22

We only have the husband's word for it that he said that
I wouldn't believe a word he said.
You can't go reporting him with only the information from someone who lies

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True. But it would be quite interesting to find out what the rep would say if he knew what the husband had said about him!

Cosyblankets · 15/08/2025 21:49

LillyPJ · 15/08/2025 21:36

True. But it would be quite interesting to find out what the rep would say if he knew what the husband had said about him!

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Not sure how it works with the rep but in some industries and professions e.g teaching, you're not told what someone has said. Only that an allegation has been made