To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

I didn’t say complain did I.
Just maybe an email to HR saying that there haven’t been any issues at home and he has no MH problems.
But you’re right about a cock and bull story. Ops DH I think is lying through his teeth

This is quite likely for sexual harassment with the new laws which came in last year.

I didn’t say he was facing summary dismissal, or that the conduct is minor or trivial. I’m going on what OP has updated, and the employer clearly doesn’t view it as gross misconduct at this point because she has already said he has been issued with a final written warning, not dismissal. I don’t believe for one second that the union rep would have behaved so reprehensibly, or that a claim of mental health would have been accepted without evidence given the seriousness of the issues. I think the union rep story was a cover story intended to minimise and make OP think everything was fine.

i would be getting my ducks in a row, starting divorce proceedings and then going to his HR department and telling them that your STBX and Union rep are lying through their teeth.

This is what you said. What’s that if not a complaint - and with absolutely no proof whatsoever.

It’s possible but point is we will never know and don’t know for sure so can’t state as fact that wouldn’t of happened. Have seen managers, reps and HR ‘professionals’ at times (as in all walks of life) behaving in ways unbecoming of their role.

It’s also a bizarre thing to do in the face of dealing with a divorce, finding new housing, supporting your very young children and being responsible for making sure they don’t pick up any misogyny from their dad.

Those poor colleagues who have to work with this man. They go back to work having had the guts to complain, only to find he’s back in the office. How uncomfortable must they feel.

In answer to your question @Joness2 nobody would blame you if you wanted a divorce.

Apart from being so blindingly stupid and disgusting (understatement), and putting your stability at risk again, how can you look at him without getting the serious ick.

I’m so sorry you have to contend with this💐

No I read that.

I meant at THIS job.

It's been very much ongoing SINCE imo.

I stand by what I have said, you are right she does not need this crap and yes her husband is a dirty filthy pig. She should leave him.
I have been on the receiving end of dirt bags like this and they need to be stopped. I also learned quickly to report them. Also this has happened before why was the poster not putting plans on place to leave?
I have worked in offices where my colleagues have witnessed this filth and they were saying how does his wife put up with him in a derisory way.
I show respect where it is deserved and I have no respect for her husband. The OP should have done something before as she knew about it.
His remark to her about a pint and a shag says it all.

Fgs everyone.... This lady is in a very difficult position in her life... I don't think it's very wise to keep telling her to divorce him... She has a lot of thinking to do about where she sees her future and if that includes her husband.

I really hope you can get your life back on a good track very soon... Whatever that entails
Xx

Sounds like he has form for being a misogynistic prat. Why would you want that around your children?

They can take action of their own - apply to be given leave to request a tribunal to air their grievances, but whether they would be given leave is dependent on what action the employer has taken and whether it’s deemed fair. Sounds as though the employer has followed procedure though.

All very nice and simple on MN isn’t it ? Not so much in real life when you have children to consider. You can’t just up and leave. Been pointed out several times, by several posters.

Not thick thanks. Have advised the OP. And I’ve certainly never implied, as you have, that she is somehow responsible for his actions as a result of her choice to marry him.

This.
I also wouldn't trust your dh isnt on a PIP. I've done pips on team members and was stunned at how many didnt understand/accept they were on a pip, were stunned / shocked / surprised when they failed it and their employment terminated.

There would be zero take aways and no fucking shags on the cards.
There would be lots of visits to divorce lawyers and hiding of assets (by me not him)

Urgh. He's grim.

OP did you already know he thought and joked like this? I have the ick just through my computer screen and don't even know him.

I really feel for the colleagues on the receiving end of his "banter". I wouldn't be surprised if he's still managed out of his job eventually. Especially as it sounds like more than one colleague has complained about him being inappropriate.

The drinks aren't the issue. It's his character, whether he has a drink or not that's how he thinks and views people.

Personally I'd be slowly making plans and changes with a view to divorce as soon as I could. It's a real shame your child will grow up with this "man" as their most influential male role model.

Is he an alcoholic? If this only happens when there is drink taken chances are it's an alcohol related issue. Maybe Alcohol is such a disinhibitor for him that he may be prompted to say things he never normally would. I am not excusing sleazy behaviour but if he is very drunk it may be the main reason.

I would definitely get rid c of him, he sounds like a right creepy git

I don’t think he’s necessarily an alcoholic. The reason I say this is that somewhere upthread OP said when they were discussing the disciplinary hearing, he said he didn’t think his comments were anything you wouldn’t hear ‘down the pub on a Friday night’, so clearly doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.

I know it's very difficult with children and finances to disentangle your lives, OP. I'm sure you'll do it when you can, but sometimes it takes a while to build up the strength and get everything organised. We'd love to hear that you've kicked him into touch but you don't owe us an update - it's your life.

One thing I would say though is this - you're probably going to be better off if you kickstart things while he has a job, and it sounds like there is a very real risk of him missing up again and being fired. From a needs perspective when it comes to the financial settlement, it may well be that you'll get a smaller share of your joint assets if he's unemployed at the time.

@Jojimojii totally agree with you.

Oh, this is bad. He needs to stop drinking and/or going on nights out, but I'm not sure I could look at my husband again the same way if he was saying this sort of thing. Does he admit, when sober, that it was offensive and inappropriate? Have you noticed him behaving like this?