To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

[KaitlynnFairchild]

My DP of 5 years brings his own cutlery and glass to my house because he doesn't like to share things. He had a glass on the bedside table in my room and it had been there for several days so I took it downstairs to wash it.

Unfortunately it is exactly the same as my glasses.

He is now refusing to use the glass because he doesn't know for sure that it is HIS glass. It is perfectly clean, I personally washed it and dried it with kitchen paper. There are no marks or smears on it.

I know he doesn't like sharing and I bite my tongue when he uses his own special cutlery from his own special pouch, but I find it offensive that he can't bring himself to use a clean glass because me or my children (teens & young adults) might have used it.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

It is weird but some people have weird foibles.
I guess you accept it or you don’t.

I had ex who found it baffling that I could kiss him
but would not drink from a bottle he had drank for or share a toothbrush (I think the latter is fair).

His seems extreme but it’s not personal so try not to take it that way.

@arcticpandas My 15 year old son has severe OCD and only gets Sertraline for it. It helped when he was 9 but now it really doesn't

It’s not a case of only sertraline or ECT. There are others, a whole range of SSRI’s, non-selective’s, tricyclics and then there’s off label where some people have had great success with antipsychotics, whereas others have not. It’s all individual, but worth giving it all a whirl if needed.

At 15yo and younger you held/hold the cards though with your child refusing the engage with psychiatrists/psychologists. To be frank you are likely getting your the point if too late at this point. We always presented this as non optional. The reality was, to have one child impact all the others, was subjecting the others to an abusive environment. So, it’s a case of, in order to live here, you need to engage. If you don’t, that’s fine but you can’t live here with your siblings, as we need to look after them too. So, your choice. They chose to engage and subsequently, when it’s flagged to them things are slipping, it’s now just routine they re-engage, as it’s their ‘normal’ to do so.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

Ok this bit is beyond weird and I have changed my mind.
That he is fine with using hotel cutlery but not yours is weird.

It's not a deal breaker for me, but I will need him to be willing to address it.

And if he isn't? You can't force him to address it.

life is about finding people whose quirks are compatible with your own.

It's also about recognising when you're hitting more quirks that aren't compatible with your own.

I do worry for the future and living together at some point but it's not a rush, my kids won't be moving out permanently any time soon.

But in the meantime he is likely to get more rigid, not less.

I'm not judging him as a good or bad person,it doesn't have to be his fault. I'm more concerned that you are starting to treat him as a fixer-upper. Someone who you want to change so that you can continue to have a comfortable relationship, but who is actually changing in the opposite direction. And may not be willing or able to make the changes you need.

You sound lovely, OP!

Like you, I'd suspect some ND condition (OCD or ASD based on the anxiety comments and the meal scheduling), but, as you probably know, he would need to want to be assessed properly to find out. There are treatments available for OCD on the NHS and there are also some services for adults with ASD.

I have ASD affected adult children and would love for them to meet partners who are as empathetic as you sound.

As somebody who worked in hospitality….he is backwards if he thinks cutlery and crockery in restaurants and hotels is massively cleaner than that in people’s houses!

I think the guy is weird. Do you really need someone like him?

I am not trying to be a hero and change someone for my own benefit.

Someone I love is clearly struggling with something and I am trying to encourage him to seek help with that for his own quality of life, as well as yes it would make mine easier but I have worked around these issues and will continue to do so.

I think if this is what I can see, I am worried about what he keeps inside. It can not be a pleasant thing to have to feel this way.

It's not impacting on my life don't be silly it's a glass. The only person making an issue about it is you

Selfish fucker. Good luck with what you decide.

You need a come to Jesus chat.

DP, you seem to think your quirks aren’t affecting anyone else.
You are mistaken. People around you who love you are being very supportive and enabling you to live normally.
You need to address this even though you think it is ok.

It is impacting your relationships- and will impact whether you can sustain one. It is impacting your work. It is impacting your mental health and stress levels.

I don’t think there is an easy answer, but ignoring it isn’t making it better.

Don’t let him know that sometimes it’s a person washing up at a sink. I washed dishes for a year at a restaurant.

He was right that you made a bigger deal about the glass than he did. He went "I can't use that, I'll bring another" and you went "so you think I'm unclean? I'm offended!"

But did you try saying to him that it's not just about the glass and that it's affecting you life now and if he considers himself to be an important part of that then he needs to get help because it is also affecting his life by pushing his partner away

It may not be a saviour complex but I think it’s relevant that you have ND children whose needs you have accommodated because this is your norm. Parenting ND children is hard (and I speak from personal experience). I don’t want to project onto you but I wonder if you’ve forgotten what life is like and who you are when you don’t have to be the person who flexes and accommodates constantly for someone else.

I had an ex colleague with similar traits. She was lovely, funny, and otherwise confident and cool to be around. But we all knew and accommodated her mug/touching/various other quirks.

In some ways you're being irrational too though, @KaitlynnFairchild . You say that you understand the issues because of the neuro diversity in your family, but you say you're offended by the glass thing. You accept all the other quirks, but in the same way that he can't see reason, you seem to be taking this one thing incredibly personally for some irrational reason.

I couldn't live with his all-encompassing quirks (that definitely DO affect everyone around him) but I just find it odd that you've chosen this one thing to be offended by, when you know that he doesn't mean it personally.

If he's autistic though he my not be able to appreciate the impact it has on you because he can't put himself in your shoes. He's right in a lot of ways because he is happy to provide a new glass that is 'clean', he provides his cutlery, he provides his toothpaste - so in his 'potentially autistic' eyes, the only person really affected is him. People with ASD are more likely to suffer from OCD than the average person incidentally.

If you're going to try to live with this though then you're going to have to stop being offended by behaviour he can't help. I don't know if I could live with it because i would just find the irrationality of it way too frustrating. But if you allow it to upset or offend you then you're always likely to be unhappy.

OCD used to be considered an anxiety disorder and there tends to be a high level of anxiety with it. If he can reduce his anxiety then the OCD may lessen. Bear in mind though that it's probably not going to go away or even improve significantly without professional treatment.

Personally I couldn't go on like this, not knowing what direction it's going to take next and I wouldn't want it impacting the kids. You can't make him change if he doesn't want to though. so you might not be left with much option at some point in the future but to call it a day.

I'm not that bad but I have this too an extent. I don't have OCD or Autism etc...

I DO have allergies that are set of by cross contamination and also a really week immune system (so I get food poisoning or allergic reactions much more than the average person). People who are healthy and haven't gone through that don't get what its like.

I'm literally recovering right now from yet another bout of gastro distress from eating out yesterday. My husband find my obsession with checking forks, plates and glasses are clean and rewashing everything 'over the top' but he also cannot deny how often I get sick from exposure to things that didn't effect him.

Yes you cannot see bacteria/contamination (hence why I still get ill sometimes) but something looks visibly clean is a good start point and when at home I boil cutlery etc... too. It hurts no one really to do what I feel makes me safer, its me that ends up sick (and I'm not going to take a higher risk of being sick from eating of say a plate that clearly wasn't cleaned well and maybe cross contaminated just to be 'polite').

It's also possible that he's not got OCD and these rules are quirks of ND/autism in which case maybe this is as rigid as he's ever going to get. That would likely make it easier to keep the relationship positive over the much longer term, since you've rubbed along quite well up to now.

I guess you'll have to see how it pans out over the years!

His ‘quirks’ are one thing, but his dismissive attitude when you raise it is a big red flag. Is he not able to recognise the impact of this on you, how it can make you feel (not ‘clean’ enough for his standards) and the lengths you go to to ensure his comfort?

@saraclara You are right that I shouldn't take it personally, I guess that's why I started the thread, to see if others would have taken it personally. I have ADHD (Diagnosed) so sometimes I don't see things the way someone else might, that's why I asked AIBU.

We do rub along well usually and if this is as bad as it gets then there is nothing wrong with venting on mumsnet, we all like to have a moan from time to time of course.

If it does spiral and become worse then decision's will be made then, I think he needs some help and will broach it with him again but it's not a deal breaker as is.

I couldn't be with a man like this sorry @KaitlynnFairchild And 5 years together and still not living together? Don't blame you. He sounds annoying and irksome. I would be re-evaluating this relationship sorry... He won't get any better and your life will be a bit grim with him long term... What is a bit annoying and weird now, will literally start to boil your blood, and make you feel depressed. He will really get you down.

.

no couldnt be doing that and why have you spent money to accomodate this-not all restrants pub have industrial washers

@HoppingPavlova I haven't been sitting with my arms crossed watching my son suffer. He has tried Venlafaxine, a mood stabiliser and 3 different antipsychotics to no avail- made things worse. Him not engaging led for me to actually get a place for him at a treatment center after he had been hospitalized. Very bad experience. They were supposed to treat psychological problems but since he was autistic they said they couldn't help him after 3 weeks. He is very immature, hadn't engaged with anyone except joking around with other children. I have taken him to all child psychiatrists in the region in hope of finding someone he can connect with. It's not happening- he's just zooming out and might start talking about something not related. His disability is definitely making it hard to treat him but it's not fault of trying. Camhs even said that it doesn't make sense bringing him in because they have tried their best to connect with him to no avail. So our last hope is ECT.

My eldest does not share food. He wouldn't drink from a glass if you had taken a sip - even if it was from the other side. He always checks that a bottle or glass is his, even if it's only just been poured, or it's been in front of him all the time.

A special glass just for him, I wouldn't support (just like I didn't entertain 'but I only eat off the red plate' when they were toddlers), but this foible level of not wanting to share germs I have no issue with.

Your DP is taking this a step further than I think is really reasonable. Although if a friend wanted a special glass and cared to bring one, then I would indulge it (whilst hoping my eldest didn't pick up on the idea), but I don't think I could be a partner with someone who acted that way - not least because it's illogical if you're going to have a kiss goodnight later.

I don't want to worry you, OP, but I know someone with OCD and it has worsened considerably with age. At first it was fairly mild and just one of those 'quirky' things, but as he's aged it has become more and more a form of rigid control, and controlling of other people. He lives at home with his mum and she's not 'allowed', for example, to go back upstairs once she's come down. Or put certain things in certain bags.

I have enormous sympathy because he clearly can't help it, but I'd have more sympathy if it was only his own behaviour that was affected. When it affects others, and there are things they 'have' to do because otherwise he feels uncomfortable, then that's where it starts to cross the line for me.

OP I really couldn’t deal with this, it’s too hard. If you have a dishwasher, or even washing your dishes in hot soapy water and rinsing off, they’re clean. An industrial strength dishwasher (whatever figment of his imagination that is) isn’t going to make any difference. I doubt I could cope with having a relationship with someone who was effectively telling me he didn’t trust my hygiene standards.