To feel a bit offended though he can't help it?

[KaitlynnFairchild]

My DP of 5 years brings his own cutlery and glass to my house because he doesn't like to share things. He had a glass on the bedside table in my room and it had been there for several days so I took it downstairs to wash it.

Unfortunately it is exactly the same as my glasses.

He is now refusing to use the glass because he doesn't know for sure that it is HIS glass. It is perfectly clean, I personally washed it and dried it with kitchen paper. There are no marks or smears on it.

I know he doesn't like sharing and I bite my tongue when he uses his own special cutlery from his own special pouch, but I find it offensive that he can't bring himself to use a clean glass because me or my children (teens & young adults) might have used it.

He manages to use glasses and and cutlery in restaurants/on holiday but takes a bottle of water every where we go so he doesn't have to accept drinks in other peoples houses.

He hasn't been diagnosed with any neurodiversity or mental health issues however I suspect there is something there which is why I bite my tongue usually.

That is rather odd. Did he used to be in the military, prison, or go to boarding school? I'm just thinking of situations where you'd get used to having your own stuff.

Has he got any other quirks?

An inability to see things from other people’s perspectives is a part of some people’s autism.

He won’t change, so if you, quite understandably, don’t like this, then leave.

He gets stressed and voices that he is stressed. He doesn't have bad moods as such but he will talk about how he is worried he won't get his hours in. Any attempt to rationalise with him that he doesn't need the money falls on deaf ears.

@DiscoBob , nope no military, prison or boarding school. He remembers being disgusted at having to share a drink with his sisters growing up and would go thirsty instead (on days out etc)

OP, you and others on this thread could easily spend the rest of your lives trying to diagnose him. It won't make any difference if he won't engage with the reality of the issue, let alone any kind of treatment.

I am a bit shocked at everyone saying leave him and calling him a dick. OCD isn’t a choice

That is what I am trying to bear in mind, that he can't help feeling this way.

I just wish he would appreciate the impact it has on others and acknowledge that.

I am a bit shocked at everyone saying leave him and calling him a dick. OCD isn’t a choice

Correct. But acknowledging it, and the impact it has all round, and being receptive to getting help for it is a choice.

It's not a choice to have it. It's a choice not to pursue treatment. And then to enter into a relationship with a condition you are not attempting to treat and which you must know would make other people's lives unpleasant.

Of course, it's OP's decisions to continue the relationship. Plenty wouldn't.

It also isn’t an excuse. It’s a possible explanation.

People have personalities that are distinct from their health conditions. You can have OCD and also be a dick. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

You are not going to understand, are you. You either accept it and do what has to be done by replacing it, or don't accept it and enter conflict or spend ages trying to work it out. It probably depends on generally what you feel about the relationship.

Following this thread with interest. My 15 year old son has severe OCD and only gets Sertraline for it. It helped when he was 9 but now it really doesn't. It's always about contamination and like your DP OP he can eat out at restaurants, school etc but will ask if everything I put infront of him at home is clean, if I have washed my hands etc atleast twice. If I open the door to his bedroom he will ask stridently if my hands are clean. It's exhausting for everyone but he doesn't do it on purpose and it makes him suffer as well. Noone has been able to help him because he refuses to talk to anyone (psychiatrist, psychologist etc). He's also on the autism spectrum. His problem is anxiety- the OCD is people trying to find ways to control their anxiety. There is no logic to it. When he's 17 he will qualify for a treatment. It's got something to do with electric shocks if I remember it rightly. Whatever can help him..

You are a complete saint for putting up with 5% of this. I just couldn’t even do it for a day

I think we will wait until the kids have moved out. At the moment he accepts that My house has My rules and they are different to his house.

Are you sure it's a good idea for him to move in at all? What do you think it will be like when he starts living in what will be His House AND Your House? His Rules AND Your Rules? How is that going to work? He doesn't sound capable of much adaptation or compromise.

At the moment he has a retreat, his own house where things are exactly the way he likes them, where he makes the rules and he is in control. Where he can recover from the demands of Your House. Without that retreat he might not be very nice to live with. His rigidities are likely to increase and overwhelm you.

And I don't even think a diagnosis would help. Not unless it is also accompanied by a realisation that his rigid behaviour affects other people's lives and that how he affects other people's lives is important too.That realisation needs to come before the diagnosis. And that he has some ability to adapt to his rules to your needs. A diagnosis might just confirm that he doesn't.

It's not the condition that makes him a dick. He can't help having OCD.

He's a dick because he refuses to see that he has a problem and more importantly that his problem impacts on other people.

Well he has a choice, he uses the one you say is his or he brings another one

But he would have been kicked into touch years ago, doesn’t like to share! Horrible man child

Well he's obviously in severe need of therapy, I certainly could not date someone in that state. Goes without saying that his preferences are also completely irrational - as anyone who's ever worked in a commercial kitchen will tell you. I'll leave it at that in case he sees the thread!

YANBU I know someone like this. Can't possibly use anyone else's mug or cup even a brand new one even though they could wash it up themselves to their own standards....but can and does regularly eat in bars/restaurants/hotels etc

It is definitely some sort of neurodiversity. I have family members who have similar and inconsistent 'hang ups' about hygiene. Don't try to understand it logically.

It would be helpful if he understood that is was a quirk of his and either sought help for it or invested in several glasses he could bring to your house (and wash up). Try not to be offended - it's not personal. That said, if it's too much to live with, you don't have to.

Have a look at OCD-UK. SSRIs can help some people as can specific therapy (not just counselling). The trouble with untreated OCD is it sometimes just carries on growing into new areas (like the overtime). Disgust and repressed rage and lots of anxiety often sitting underneath it.

Actually that's an interesting point above - he can both have mental health challenges AND be obnoxious about it.

My daughter is very aware that there are times her brain is responding differently and actually spends a lot of her life feeling guilty about it. So she masks hard and then falls apart. Not sure how this will present as an adult but she already acknowledges that she knows her reactions can be difficult for other people. So I think asking him to talk about the impact of all this 'on you' is totally fair. You are clearly very up for working with him and finding guilt-free solutions (or supporting him to access additional support), but it's worth reminding him that you count too.

Agreed - I have an adult daughter with OCD. It's not just the external symptoms that you see, there are many internal symptoms that they are likely to be struggling with. In her words, it wasn't until she was diagnosed and treated that she realised how exhausting it was for her brain. Therapy, CBT and medications are all options.

But the person does need to accept that they have a problem, and that diagnosis and treatment would be useful.

I have sympathy for all of those struggling with similar issues,!

I know my thread is making him come across badly but honestly he is not a bad guy and he isn't doing it on purpose. It's not a deal breaker for me, but I will need him to be willing to address it.

He has a million redeeming qualities. I am not perfect either, life is about finding people whose quirks are compatible with your own. I do worry for the future and living together at some point but it's not a rush, my kids won't be moving out permanently any time soon.

How does he cope with sex?

Life is too short for this s*!

I understand why it's not a deal-breaker. If he's a lovely man in many ways then it doesn't need to be, if you're generally happy.

But...I think what you will need to do is be clear and honest with him that actually it does impact him, whether he wants to admit that or not. And it certainly impacts you and it does stress you out. That it's actually not fair for him to be difficult and then not accept that he's being difficult.

OCD tends to get worse and worse the longer one suffers with it, and the more other people reinforce the individual's compulsions by working around them too much.

I would be very, very careful about ever setting up home with him unless he's able to accept it as an issue and work on finding some help because as a poster has already said, if you think he's bad now it will likely become 1000 times worse as it progresses and when he no longer has his own safe space. Without help his rules will likely become more and more rigid and he will likely demand more and more assurance and simply won't want to or be able to compromise if you're sharing a space all the time.

"...not the first person to lick that!"

Have you explained to him that you have not 'put it through an industrial super hot washer' yet?

(Maybe best not to tell him.)