I can’t believe they done this

[schoolie258]

Me and the dad have split up years ago. We have a daughter. Shes only 10. Just found out the dad has been in prison for the past 9 months and no one told me.
i now don’t want her to see her grandparents or her dad. It’s nothing but manipulation and lies from them.
I know I’ll end up being the bad guy but I’m sick of just letting them always have their way. He went to jail, they lied to me and my daughter about it. My daughter is upset coz she’s not seen her dad for 9 months and really wants to see him but if they had spoken to me and told the truth maybe she could have went to visit him.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m inclined to stop contact and tell them all if they want to see her they will need to go through the proper channels and go to court.

I have always just let them see her when they wanted despite knowing they are liars and her dad is a narcissist but this is a new low

he went to jail for selling and probably using god knows what.. he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)

i suppose I’m asking for advice? I’m not sure what to do for the best.

What is he in jail for? How much longer is he supposed to be in? Where did they say he was?

How is your/your daughter’s relationship with them in general? Does she actually benefit from seeing them?

You can get legal advice from the Coram Children's Legal Centre.
https://childrenslegalcentre.com/get-legal-advice/

He is in jail for selling heroin. He gets home today. She does have a good relationship with her grandparents but I don’t think it’s healthy to be in that environment. It’s just always arguing, lying, manipulation. Maybe he’ll change after coming out but I won’t hold my breathe tbh

Maybe I’m old fashioned but there’s no way on earth I’d be letting my daughter see any of them. I’ll probably be flamed for that but it’s a hard no from me.

So has she still been going to see her grandparents in that time? Didn’t you think it’s weird you hadn’t heard from him in that long? Did she not mention, something like everytime she goes to grandparents he’s not there? It’s a long time to not notice someone

But where did you and your daughter think your ex was for the past nine months?

her dad is a narcissist

I see this a lot and wonder why women keep facilitating and encouraging their children to be around such people without a court order forcing them. Just why??

Well they had told my daughter he was away working a secret job. (Really?) and I had asked about him a few times and she’d say he was at her grans. So not only have they lied about it they e also told my daughter not to tell me. I asked her why she didn’t even tell me he was away working if that’s what she thought but she said if he was doing a secret job she didn’t want to get him in trouble.

She obviously hasn’t seen them on the past 9 months anyway, or did she not see her dad and her grandparents told her to lie that she had?

Well they had told my daughter he was away working a secret job. (Really?) and I had asked about him a few times and she’d say he was at her grans. So not only have they lied about it they e also told my daughter not to tell me. I asked her why she didn’t even tell me he was away working if that’s what she thought but she said if he was doing a secret job she didn’t want to get him in trouble

Exactly this. I’d ask her and she’d say she hung out with him earlier when he wasn’t even there!! So I feel they got her to lie about it on top of already lying to her in the first place

Well exactly. I don’t want to be seen to be cruel and taking her away from her dad. I didn’t realise how deluded the grandparents actually were until yesterday so now I don’t want her there without a court order. I’ve been more than fair in the past and they e just took the P so I’m done

I don’t want to be seen to be cruel and taking her away from her dad.

Keeping her away from a heroin dealer is not cruel.

The evidence shows that it's nearly always better for children to have contact with both parents, even when one is a pretty shit parent/person. The only exception is serious abuse. It's very likely in your daughter's best interests to continue seeing her father and grandparents, despite their lies and his very bad choices.

Because despite popular belief it's bloody hard to stop an abusive parent seeing their kids and fir some parents maintaining a little control in their own way instead of court ordered alone time with the other parent, which is often for longer than otherwise is all they can realistically do.

Good god, please don't enable a relationship between your little girl and a heroin dealer who owes money to criminals.

Do you really believe that in this case?

They should have told you, but I don’t think any of you should have told your daughter. And there’s no way on earth I’d take a child to visit someone in prison.

That they have taught your daughter it's ok to lie is extremely serious.
You really need to have serious conversations with her about secrets and lies.
Personally I would be stopping contact with him.and his family and put the onus on them to take the matter of access to court.

You had a child with a heroin dealer?! WTF?

Well technically yes but not intentionally! He wasn’t doing that back then. Or maybe he was. I don’t believe a word any of them say anymore

This is where you draw the line. Yes , you’ll be seen as the bad guy , but ultimately you need to protect her from the bashittery, illegal activities, lies and secrets. The fact that they think this kind of behaviour was ok, makes them a major safeguarding risk and makes your daughter vulnerable.

I missed the part where OP said he was actively dealing 10/11 years ago and she knew about it…

Presumably they weren’t shagging at the same time he was doing the dealing? OP probably had no idea, or considering they’ve been split for a while it could be a new “interest”.

Only unsafe adults tell a child to keep a secret.