I can’t believe they done this

[schoolie258]

Me and the dad have split up years ago. We have a daughter. Shes only 10. Just found out the dad has been in prison for the past 9 months and no one told me.
i now don’t want her to see her grandparents or her dad. It’s nothing but manipulation and lies from them.
I know I’ll end up being the bad guy but I’m sick of just letting them always have their way. He went to jail, they lied to me and my daughter about it. My daughter is upset coz she’s not seen her dad for 9 months and really wants to see him but if they had spoken to me and told the truth maybe she could have went to visit him.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m inclined to stop contact and tell them all if they want to see her they will need to go through the proper channels and go to court.

I have always just let them see her when they wanted despite knowing they are liars and her dad is a narcissist but this is a new low

he went to jail for selling and probably using god knows what.. he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)

i suppose I’m asking for advice? I’m not sure what to do for the best.

As I said, if you're actually interested in learning then you can do some research.

Those people are not safe. They told your ten year old daughter to lie to you. You need to cut them all off.

I mean he’s a heroin dealer / and/or user.
Id have cut them off for that alone.
No good will come to your daughter from him being in her life…

So many people trot out this "I/they didn't do it" BS line...

If he didn't do it he'd have gone to an appeal court and fought tooth and nail to clear his name.
No one wants an unwarranted criminal record.

Wow I find this offensive and I'm not the OP! Are you really giving advice for her to carry on allowing her daughter to see a lying drug dealing criminal?! Fuck him and the "evidence". I would be making it very difficult and cutting contact. My priority is protecting my child at all costs.
Are you a man by any chance?

I think that the lies and the deceit from OP's ex-PILs who have told OP's daughter to lie to her mum are sufficient reasons to keep her daughter away from them all for now.

Heroin users and dealers are dangerous people and and they mix with dangerous people. OP's child should be protected.

OP's ex can take her to court and hopefully the courts will set some parameters and boundaries around contact with OP's daughter.

He may be able to go to court to gain access agreement. Not sure if grand parents can?

I think there needs to be a clearing of the air before any visits of any sort.

Really they should have told you what was going on and you could all have sorted things out to help your daughter/their grand child.

If there are visits then at a mutually agreed place - not their or his home.

At some time you will have to be honest with your daughter about this 'secret mission' you ExH was on. Probably sooner rather than later before other lies can be told to her?

He can go to court and get supervised contact. OP wouldn’t be keeping her daughter safe knowing she was sending her DD to her dads when she doesn’t know if he is using heroin, he’s been convicted of selling it and his parents have been enabling that behaviour and getting OPs daughter to lie to her, very risky behaviour. She should see her dad but as a parent she has a duty to protect her daughter and so the contact should be formal from now on.

You dont have to explain yourself to strangers my ex developed a drug and alcohol habit AFTER we split ive been thoroughly castigated for not knowing how he would turn out years after DD was born apparently as a mother you should have built in 6th sense to know the future

Maybe because unless he's a terrible father, then you have no rights to keep your kids away from their Dad. Stip using your kids to punish the men YOU CHOSE to be fathers to your kids

Sorry - did someone say he gets home today?

He got just 9 months for selling heroin?

That can't be possible

He is mixing with dangerous people.
In all honesty he is likely to be a scum bag himself isn't he? However much his family paint him as a victim.
If he/his family, cared an inch about your daughter, they would want her away from their crime infested lives.

Are they likely to turn nasty if you stop contact?
What are your options for relocating far away?

It's possible he did a deal to get a lesser sentence. Which means the people he shopped will have a target on his head.
Not a chance would I be letting my child into that house.

this is extremely controversial, the pro-contact culture has irrefutably caused actual harm to many kids (including my own)

https://transparencyproject.org.uk/the-presumption-and-contact-culture/

if a 10-year-old (or older) wants to see her dad I’d be amazed if court didn’t order it, family courts won’t care about a drug dealing conviction and while they will probably be critical to extended family for making the child lie, I probably wouldn’t make any difference to the final outcome either. If there is evidence that there is a safeguarding risk at the house that may be different. However, I don’t think the OP would be punished for not sending her daughter now either.

I also wonder if the family would actually bother to go to court, not everyone does

OP if you feel it’s best to suspend contact for now I think that’s absolutely fair and sensible. Considering your child has been put in this shit position of being lied to and then told to lie to you, but if she really wants to see her dad and grandparents you’re probably best off working out how to facilitate this safely for your own relationship with your child. Worst case if it goes to court, you may find it a bruising ride but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. Good luck

This
Plus ,the more you try to stop her seeing him
The more she will want to
And then you become the bad guy
I think you need to carry on as you were , letting her go when she wants

Did a deal to get a lesser sentence??

Of NINE MONTHS??

That's a bloody good deal!!!!

This is a crime that carries a maximum penalty of life imprisonment!

It rather depends on what identifiers are being used to qualify data and measure outcomes.

In what parameters will these children do better? Exam grades? Happiness? Health? Longevity?

It's not good enough to tell posters to go and find out for themselves, you shouldn't be quoting statistics if you aren't prepared to say where you are getting them from.

I was stuck between fighting parents as a child
It damaged my mental health enormously
She was always telling me what a bad man he was ,how he did this and that ..
But I never saw any of that ,and the more she tried to stop me seeing him ,the more I missed him
I ended up going to live with him at 14 .
And it actually wasn't a disaster,it was ok
So far he hasn't done anything to hurt her ???
Untill then I'd carry on as you have been

Failure to protect, kids get removed from parents when they don’t protect their kids from legitimate harm. You must have no insight in to the chaotic and dangerous nature of heroin addiction and drug dealing.

I can see the daily mail now, DD harmed due to drug deal gone bad, or with her dad while his house gets raided and people would be saying where is the mum in all of this? She’s as responsible as him, she should have protected her daughter.

You need a social worker to risk assess any visits to her father who has connections to heroin, please ensure this happens, self refer if you don't already have a SW.

Not a chance in hell I'd be letting my DD near any of them.

Then mum needs to down the proper channels
Get social involved
Get it back to court
But 9 months for dealing heroin,seems very lacking
Does mum know 100% it was for selling heroin

Maybe because unless he's a terrible father, then you have no rights to keep your kids away from their Dad. Stip using your kids to punish the men YOU CHOSE to be fathers to your kids

Sorry, he's a heroin dealer. It's hard to think of a more textbook example of a terrible father. It's batshit to think the OP needs to facilitate contact with someone who makes a living selling probably the most dangerous drug there is.

I'm usually a strong advocate for people trying to maintain contact with both parents but someone who makes money selling heroin just isn't capable of being a responsible parent. You would be crazy to allow her to maintain contact with this man.

Op didnt know he was a heroin dealer and maybe he wasnt one 10 (!!!!!!) years ago.

I would stop all contact and get some legal advice. They are all manipulative liars, that's a hill I would be prepared to die on