I can’t believe they done this

[schoolie258]

Me and the dad have split up years ago. We have a daughter. Shes only 10. Just found out the dad has been in prison for the past 9 months and no one told me.
i now don’t want her to see her grandparents or her dad. It’s nothing but manipulation and lies from them.
I know I’ll end up being the bad guy but I’m sick of just letting them always have their way. He went to jail, they lied to me and my daughter about it. My daughter is upset coz she’s not seen her dad for 9 months and really wants to see him but if they had spoken to me and told the truth maybe she could have went to visit him.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m inclined to stop contact and tell them all if they want to see her they will need to go through the proper channels and go to court.

I have always just let them see her when they wanted despite knowing they are liars and her dad is a narcissist but this is a new low

he went to jail for selling and probably using god knows what.. he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)

i suppose I’m asking for advice? I’m not sure what to do for the best.

When you say he’s a narcissist what do you mean by that? Too many people have seen TikTok therapists talk about narcism, gaslighting, inner child etc etc without really understanding what these terms mean in that context.

it sounds to me like you don’t want your ex to see you daughter and you’re trying to build a case. Honestly, all the adults in this situation are failing your daughter and need to grow up and learn how to communicate properly. Your daughter isn’t a toy to keep away from people because you don’t like their choices and unless you can verify the threats they are meaningless right now. Only having contact with her dad in a contact centre will be far more damaging than going to her grans house where her ex con father lives.

This.

Tell them to go to court OP

It is the encouraging your daughter to deceive you that would cause me to reconsider contact. If you stop contact she won't stop loving him and will blame you as she builds up a false picture of him. My adopted daughter is looking over my shoulder as I write and her experience isn't 100 miles from this.

Don’t send her again.

It’s very concerning that they told her to lie to you. This just sets me off thinking what else could they do!?!?

Her dad is obviously not safe to be around.

I would tell him what you already mentioned, that if he wants visitation rights he had to go through the court.

Been in this exact situation about 18 years ago , my ex was in prison drugs related I found out through the grapevine but I was told by his mother he was working away 😂😂 and the kids were told the same thing . I stopped contact as this was the last straw he took me to court and the judge said I quote “a parent who is a drug addict and who sells drugs does not make a bad parent” he ruled my ex had contact twice a week not supervised btw . When my kids turned 13/14 they stopped contact themselves . The law stinks unfortunately

She might not get a choice I didn’t , the judge ruled that my ex saw the kids unsupervised even tho he was a dealer and user himself and had been to jail for it

OP may not have a choice, the courts inevitably rule for the parent to see the child

I'd be most concerned that those to whom her DF owes money could threatend to do something to the child in order to punish him or get their money.

Poor child, she deserves better protection from this criminal father. She can make her own mind up when she is an adult. Sad but safer.

Hard no from me as well. No child of mine would be spending time with a drug dealer.

You think it’s in a child’s best interests to spend time with a heroin dealer? Seriously?

A nursery near my house faced an appalling incident - a bloke threatened a dad with a gun - while the dad was dropping his DC at nursery. I doubt very much whether that was due to a minor disagreement between neighbours.

DC should be kept safely away from drug dealers.

The obvious thing to do is break off all contact for the reasons you state. Not least, you cant have your daughter unsupervised in a drug den.

But, what you don't want to do is to turn it into a situation where you now lie to your daughter about the reasons for that. So, are you prepared to tell your daughter the truth about her father and grandparents?

It might be worth speaking to a child psychologist about the best way to communicate with her about it.

Don't!

Don't give them ideas. Tell they won't see her any more. If they wanna go to court let them think it up themselves

Make better choices. I doubt this guy’s penchant for dealing heroin came out of the blue, I’ll bet there were signs he was a wrong un’ ?! I just can’t get my head round how shit a romantic option has to be to be a heroin dealer?! I hope your daughter’s ok, truly.

I would love to see that evidence. If it exists indeed it is probably flawed and bad just like many others across healthcare etc. Family courts can make bad decisions, and judges can be very wrong. I have seen concrete evidence of that. It is trully unbelievable just how inadequately children are protected and how ignorant courts are when it comes to the long term harm caused by irresponsible parents. If a parent is bad, abusive, narcissistic , and the list can go on, the child is much better off not having contact. When older they can comprehend but when young it traumatizes them for life. I cannot even imagine what it must be like for a caring, loving parent to have to share their child with a dangerous asshole. I feel for you OP and I wish you strength and determination to protect your daughter and keep her away from these people who clearly are not capable to have decency and common sense.

Not always. Courts can order unsupervised time, supervised time or indirect contact.

Indirect contact means cards and letters and is very useful to gauge the non-resident parent's commitment to becoming clean from drugs and to the child.

Keep her away from him if he's a heroin user. Never mind the risks of negligence, there's plenty of cases of kids getting poisoned off their parents drugs. You don't need to feel guilty about doing what is right for your child.

I’m normally all for a child having contact with both parents but there are exceptions and I think this is one. It’s not just the drugs and prison, it’s the lying and manipulation. The grandparents asking your DD to lie to you is probably the most concerning thing. They are messing with her head and that kind of psychological damage at a young age can have a lasting effect. I don’t think anybody could blame you for cutting contact in order to protect your daughter from psychological and emotional trauma, and that’s before you even get into the physical safe-guarding issues what with her dad’s dodgy contacts. Good luck OP.

I agree. A contact centre is definitely the way forward if the child still wants to see her dad. That way her needs/wants are being met.

I'd prefer to see indirect contact - cards and letters until father has shown commitment and is drug free.