I can’t believe they done this

[schoolie258]

Me and the dad have split up years ago. We have a daughter. Shes only 10. Just found out the dad has been in prison for the past 9 months and no one told me.
i now don’t want her to see her grandparents or her dad. It’s nothing but manipulation and lies from them.
I know I’ll end up being the bad guy but I’m sick of just letting them always have their way. He went to jail, they lied to me and my daughter about it. My daughter is upset coz she’s not seen her dad for 9 months and really wants to see him but if they had spoken to me and told the truth maybe she could have went to visit him.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m inclined to stop contact and tell them all if they want to see her they will need to go through the proper channels and go to court.

I have always just let them see her when they wanted despite knowing they are liars and her dad is a narcissist but this is a new low

he went to jail for selling and probably using god knows what.. he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)

i suppose I’m asking for advice? I’m not sure what to do for the best.

This update is where the problem is .
No way would I let her go now . Get it all done through the courts.
This is scary getting a child to hide things from her remain carer .

Id have him on supervised visits to start of with sta. contact centre . Time to out your foot down .

It is well documented that it's best for children to have contact with parents unless there is serious abuse. If you actually want to understand it then do some research, but I suspect you have no interest in that.

The heroin and prison are not the biggest issue here.

The most damaging thing is that the GP lied to DGD, and then got her to tell outright lies to her mother.

Let the DF go to court, for supervised access away from the GP.
But don't let those GP have any further access to DD.

Fuck that. These are dangerous people. No child’s life is enriched by being around people like this.

Grandparents don't have access rights, so if Dad's chosen life is too chaotic for him to maintain contact you have a get out clause right there.

Did you not question, at all, where he has been in the last 9 months if your child hasn’t seen their dad? I can’t really fathom not questioning or even googling his name as you surely must have had some indication that things weren’t right.

And to whoever said they’d take their child to see a parent in prison because they have nice rooms etc, it’s still absolutely really shit. I did this once and my similar aged child didn’t sleep properly for weeks.

OP if this thread is genuine, then get legal advice asap.

Not sure why the hostility?

I think the OP's instinct to stop informal arrangements are correct. I think the danger posed by someone like the child's dad - both through his own habits and networks- is on par with serious neglect.

You're suggesting there's evidence to the contrary and I'm interested for you to share it because it could be useful to the OP.

Also interested to know if you've experience of heroin dealers and users in charge of young children. It's not pretty and i wouldn't allow a second unsupervised.

Spending time with a heroin addict will inevitably lead to neglect if not actual abuse.
A user's primary purpose is their addiction, not taking care of their child, however well-intentioned.

For this reason I would stop all contact. He’s a risk, drug dealer etc, they are a risk because they’ve told her to lie to you. And I’d tell them that

I wouldn't be making contact easy.
If he contact you and asks directly, you can discuss starting with regular letters and phone calls, moving on to supervised ( only by you) contact once you are satisfied as to his reliability - I suspect that won't happen.
I would also have a discussion with him ( if he does contact you) about lying to DD and how you will stop any contact at all if it happens again. I would contact the GP and tell them that you have found out that they have lied to DD and encouraged her to lie to you, and because of that you are not prepared to let them have unsupervised contact.
And then I think you need a series of conversations with your DD, along the lines of if anyone tells her to keep something a secret from you, they are not a good person, and can't be trusted, and it is in fact a signal that she should tell you immediately. That only a bad person or someone doing something bad would tell a child to keep a secret from their parents, and that is how people who hurt children and others operate, that they will try to make them keep secrets and then shame or blackmail them. This needs to be ongoing, with plenty of "what if?" scenarios so that if it happens again ( either with GP, Ex, or anyone else) that she is forewarned and armed.
She is already vulnerable. Bad people can spot that a mile off. Predators can spot a girl without a reliable father figure around. She needs to be aware of the tricks and scams that dodgy people ( like heroin dealers and addicts) use to manipulate people.
Next thing you know, she'll be used as a mule, and then that can be used against her.
Sorry to be so harsh, but the reality is her father is dangerous to her and her well-being.

It is the best outcome for the children when the coparenting relationship is reasonable, civil and child centred. And of course it is, because it looks at best case scenarios of coparenting.

How is it beneficial to a child to see a drug dealer? How is it beneficial to a child to lie to her mother about seeing him?

I'd say that gives you a very good case for not letting him see her, unless it's supervised contact at a contact centre. Even then, I'm not sure I'd want her around him.

If he's been dealing smack, not only is there the risk that she could come to harm from the drugs or because he's off his tits, but anyone in that game is going to be associating with very dodgy people, including those who aren't afraid to use knives and guns.

He's a convicted drug dealer and his family concealed this from you. I would say you have major safety concerns but are happy to facilitate contact at a contact centre if he arranges it.

"Please check yourself" began the hostility.

I don't know why so many posters can't understand the difference between what scientific research shows and my personal opinion. I didn't create the data.

Hard agree here. Also, while in his care the child is vulnerable to at very least neglect, if not overt abuse, as his priority will be getting his next fix, not caring for her. And worse, if he owes money to dealers, violence is a likely visitor to his home. There's not a chance in hell my child would be anywhere near this possibility.

Your daughter needs to see her dad. I know he and in laws haven't dealt with the situation in the best way but it could have been to protect her from hurt.
Sorry for you all

Well said 👏

You need to be honest with your daughter. Tell her about the prison spell and why he was there and that you can not allow her to have contact with anyone who will lie to you both and ask her to lie to you.

You can never trust any of them again.
Does your daughter have other extended family - like cousins and Aunts or other Grandparents? Meet up with sincere and stable relatives so your DD is proud of her family and has people where she feels she belongs.

DD is old enough to understand why she would not visit her father. Seek advice of SS.
It might be that they can supervise a visit every few months or allow exchange of letters or gifts.

Disagree entirely, child needs to have contact with her dad

Getting her to lie to you is the biggest no no, that alone would make me stop all contact.

i dont u nderstand why you would have wanted her to visit her dad in prison?

I'd be more concerned abut the associating with, and owing money to, violent criminals. Keep your daughter well away, OP! Lying to her by the GPs is disgraceful. They deserve no more contact.

Ok pal, I didnt tell you to check yourself. I literally don't know what data you're talking about as you've just provided a topline remark.

Data could be old. Shit. Irrelevant to the situation? Tell us about the research and methodology and we can have a discussion.

No more unsupervised contact. I would let dad take you to court if he's bothered but I wouldn't facilitate anything that's not court ordered.

Grandparents lying to you about where their son is, is one thing, bad though it is. But getting your daughter to lie to her mum is unforgivably dangerous. Children should never be asked to keep secrets from their parents, that's safeguarding 101.

Awful behaviour.

The difficulty is the grandparents have been duplicitous to avoid you stopping contact but by doing so they have now brought about the situation they were trying to avoid.
If the grandparents are good people and love your DD I would be having a conversation with them.
I am sorry your ex sounds like low life but not sure what his rights are in the circumstances. If he wants a relationship with his DD not sure what you can do about it.