I can’t believe they done this

[schoolie258]

Me and the dad have split up years ago. We have a daughter. Shes only 10. Just found out the dad has been in prison for the past 9 months and no one told me.
i now don’t want her to see her grandparents or her dad. It’s nothing but manipulation and lies from them.
I know I’ll end up being the bad guy but I’m sick of just letting them always have their way. He went to jail, they lied to me and my daughter about it. My daughter is upset coz she’s not seen her dad for 9 months and really wants to see him but if they had spoken to me and told the truth maybe she could have went to visit him.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m inclined to stop contact and tell them all if they want to see her they will need to go through the proper channels and go to court.

I have always just let them see her when they wanted despite knowing they are liars and her dad is a narcissist but this is a new low

he went to jail for selling and probably using god knows what.. he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)

i suppose I’m asking for advice? I’m not sure what to do for the best.

This!

Has there been any issues with the child visiting the grandparents in the last 10 months?

@LBFseBrom I think by “them” she means the child’s dad and her grandparents. It doesn’t seem complex to me…

Coaching a 10 year old to lie to her mother is not protection.

Well I can understand them not telling her he’s gone to jail. Most people wouldn’t she’d only have been 9/10 they probably should’ve told you though and asking her to lie to you is not on.

So it's a good thing to have contact with a lying heroin dealer?

Really?

I think him being a heroin dealer and being involved with dangerous people who know where he has contact with your DD is enough justification to stop contact there. Tell him to arrange a professional contact centre if he wants to see her.

I think all the evidence is that contact is in the best interest of a child (except in situations of violence). There have been lies and that's appalling, you deserve huge apologies, but I think there is psychological damage from no contact too.

So there are only two categories of parental behaviour, abusive and non-abusive? Meanwhile in the real world most parents do something that hurts their child at some point and most of us have experienced some minor harm from our parents. Of course this situation sounds like much more than minor harm, but you seem to be viewing the world in a way that is glossing over the complexity @RimTimTagiDim is trying to point out. All the OP can do is weigh up likely risks and benefits and some supervised contact might be one of the options to consider. Thinking about safeguarding as if there are simple rules is unhelpful.

I think you need to speak to social services. If he was in prison for 9 months then it is likely his sentence was longer so he may have probation requirements.

It may be that supervised contact is recommended, to protect your DD and you so get social services to risk assess.

You had me at
"he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)"

Add in his previous Heroin dealing
and his parent's lies and influencing your DD to lie.

I'd say you were protecting your DD by keeping them away from her by court order.
Your DD could maybe see her GP in supervised visits and should NEVER be in a house where "dangerous people" might turn up looking for money!

Sometimes you have to be the Bad Guy OP, to be the good guy for your DD. You sound like the only parent who wants to protect her.

Yes, it’s in the post above yours.

He got 2 years but only had to do 9 months and he’ll be on a tag for however long when he’s home. I have no idea how it all works and I’m not even 100% on all the details. I only know some of what they’ve chosen to tell me

He doesn’t support her at all. If his parents weren’t around I doubt he’d bother with my daughter.

I did ask afew times if he was around but the answer was always vague enough that I didn’t really overthink it and figured if it was something serious they’d speak to me about it

Please OP, get legal advice and go to Children's Services.

You shouldn't try and do this on your own

Except the person quoted the bit about him being a narcissist NOT a dealer, and besides the 9 months sentence suggests OP is lying about the dealing anyway

I mean , it’s right in the OP that he went to jail. He was never going to be an upstanding member of the community?

As to his sentencing, depending on the quantity, his role, any extenuating factors (probably using his kid to get leniency) and so on , it’s not that wild to see a sentence of 2 years, out in 9 months. Some you can even get a community order.

It wasn’t a 9 month sentence it was 2 years with 9m in prison, it’s very rare that the whole sentence is served in prison.

Also the sentencing guidelines for things like possession with intent to supply start from higher level community service even for class A if the role is minor. It’s entirely possible that he was charged on a lower but easier to prove offence.

Do you mean any issues apart from them lying and coaching OP's child to lie to her?

I think those are pretty serious issues.

I think it would be very reasonable to contact social services and say you don’t want your child to see their father unless it’s supervised contact and they make sure he is clean/sober before seeing your daughter and if he isn’t then the visit doesn’t happen it will ensure your child is never at risk from people who could cause her harm. If the grandparents want to see her then. That has to be supervised contact too. Until they can show you/them that they can be trusted not to be manipulative and will also prevent them taking your daughter to see her dad behind your back, whilst still allowing a relationship with her paternal side.

My first instinct is that supervised access is the way to go. But you really need to get proper advice on this, and tread carefully. You will have to discuss with your dd, so get advice on that too.

A key issue here is that he owes money to bad people, and that puts your daughter at risk. That may help her understand why she can no longer visit him at home.

She is too old for you to just stop all contact and not tell her why, but please do get expert advice before you open the discussions.

Btw, my dd (15) has a birth father who has spent a lot of time behind bars for dealing and violent crimes. She veers between seeing him a lowlife and bigging him up to get more kudos with the bad kids. Your daughter is younger, but still be aware that she might not share your perspective on any of this.

There is a lot to unpack here. Clearly you don’t want your daughter anywhere near heroin. Grandparents should not be telling your daughter to lie & keep secrets from you. The only thing I will say in their defence is that it’s possible they were trying to protect their granddaughter from knowing that her father was in prison but they should have told you privately so you could decide what’s best for her to know in the circumstances. I am not sure that cutting all contact is the way to go if your daughter still wants to see them but I think I would be insisting on you being present/supervised visits & get some legal advice. She may only be 10 now but it won’t be long before she is a teenager & you will have less control over what she does. She may decide for herself at some point that she no longer wants to see him but it could cause problems between you if she thinks you stopped her from seeing her Dad & grandparents. Very Tricky. My sympathies.

Looking at your answers to questions here, it's pretty obvious that the father's side of the family has a very unhealthy attitude when it comes to truth. Having your daughter around a drug dealer (even though he is her father) and the fact that he owes money to some dangerous individuals would make me question her safety. People in those sorts of circles have no scruples when it comes to getting back what they are owed, and do you really think that it's healthy for your daughter to see that as being a "normal" way of life? If I were in your position, I would be seeking legal advice and revoking any agreements made with the father and his parents.

I think if you can work out the details it's worth trying to talk to probation or whoever is managing the community bit of the sentence to tell them he has a daughter. If he's been lying to you then he may have been lying to others.

There are charities that support children who have parents in prison who may be helpful. May also be useful to tell her school in September.

Also worth attempting a Clare's law application to see if you get any info out of the police about what risk he poses.

It's probably worthwhile maintaining indirect (phone, letter) contact to avoid him being becoming the exciting forbidden fruit and thinking about how you might make supervised contact work - contact centres are usually short term things.

Personally I think this is the worst bit. If they encouraged (or, more likely manipulated) her to lie about that then what else will they/he get her to lie about in the future?

You need to have a really serious conversation with your daughter about lying.
Firstly she must NEVER lie to you (you are the most important person in her life, she needs to be able to trust you and you need to be able to trust her). Get that message across really strongly (you'll need to repeat it many times).
And secondly, any adult that asks her to lie (or makes her think that she ought to lie) for them is doing something wrong.