I can’t believe they done this

[schoolie258]

Me and the dad have split up years ago. We have a daughter. Shes only 10. Just found out the dad has been in prison for the past 9 months and no one told me.
i now don’t want her to see her grandparents or her dad. It’s nothing but manipulation and lies from them.
I know I’ll end up being the bad guy but I’m sick of just letting them always have their way. He went to jail, they lied to me and my daughter about it. My daughter is upset coz she’s not seen her dad for 9 months and really wants to see him but if they had spoken to me and told the truth maybe she could have went to visit him.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m inclined to stop contact and tell them all if they want to see her they will need to go through the proper channels and go to court.

I have always just let them see her when they wanted despite knowing they are liars and her dad is a narcissist but this is a new low

he went to jail for selling and probably using god knows what.. he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)

i suppose I’m asking for advice? I’m not sure what to do for the best.

100% agree. If he wants a relationship with his daughter, surely that is reason enough not to indulge in criminal activities?

Why is that her responsibility? She needs to protect her daughter and he can do all of that, since he’s the one who has put his daughter at risk by being a drug dealer.

2 years is the starting sentence for a class A dealer who is a street dealer (no someone higher up in the chain) so with a guilty plea I don’t think 9 months is that shocking

Do you think that a child should see their dad in any circumstances? Do you not think in a clearly unhealthy situation like this one, there should be some concern (at the very least) about his criminal activities and owing money to some dangerous individuals? Does this not worry you?

He is a drug dealer he has already put his daughter in danger

he will be in contact with dangerous people who would think nothing of giving him a beating in front of his daughter

and the family are encouraging the op’s daughter to lie, poor girl she must have felt so guilty nothing positive in that

no evidence supports children being put in danger as good for them

and the evidence is quite frankly a load of load of rubbish as it also supports abusive and destructive nrp to still cause chaos and harm in their children’s lives

You cant blame the grandparents for protecting your daughter surely?

So they have stepped up and kept contact and kept her away and unaware of the dark things their DS has done and you want to punish them?

My mam and her ex-MIL didn't get along, I understand bits of why my mam didn't like her (mam was very anti smoking and grandma smoked like a chimney in the house etc...) and they where both very proud stubborn women but both where always good to me. When I was old enough I sought out a relationship with my grandma who always had her door open for me. She use to show up to visits when my father never bothered.

My father on the other hand (who disappeared for long period, went to jail, moved without telling the courts, never showed up for visits etc...) I have no urge to have him in my life. I grew up to see him for exactly what he was (even though rightly all the adults tried to protect me from it, they didn't ever bad mouth him).

You cannot blame the grandparent who are in your child's life and have a relationship with her and stepped up for things your ex did... they are his parents but hes an adult they have no more control over his drug addiction than you do.

Also its a far bigger red flag that your argument is 'if you knew' you would have taken a child to a prison to see a heroin addict... what are you thinking?

I wouldn't be allowing contact, he's not a positive influence in her life and by lying to you, the grandparents denied you the opportunity to support your daughter through her emotions were she to gave inadvertently found out her dad is in jail.
I would be putting a safety plan in place - contact school to make sure he/grandparents can't collect her, no contact at grandparents house incase it is targeted by his associates/she has access to drugs in the house.
Did you not notice he had t paid for her in 9 months or does he not financially support her either?

I worked out that my DF was a drug dealer by the time I was 10, class B. I didn’t tell my parents I knew as they probably thought they were protecting me by letting my grow up or knowing.

When I was 13 my DF starting working with someone who was related to my friend at school. She knew what her relative did, so grilled me to find out if I knew. I admitted I did and my best friend at the time heard, went home and told her mum: her mum is friends with mine so she already knew. But told my DM I knew. From then on it was just open that my DF was a drug dealer.

By the time i was 15, my DF (high up the chain, not a street dealer) had moved on to class A, and had started smoking it himself. He gave my mum a black eye and she left him. She had nowhere to go so she left me with him.

By 16, he’d been ripped off in a drug deal, hadn’t checked the money was all there and was short £10,000s. He decided at that point he needed out, he owed people higher than him he had no money to cover what he’d lost so he told my mum, come get DD, and he left. With a huge debt and a price on his head. Luckily they never did anything to me and my mum but we were followed for weeks, maybe to see if we led them to him.

That was a traumatic childhood, constantly on edge, I was there when the house got raided, a girl at schools dad went to prison who he was associated with, I was terrified all the time that he would go to. He wouldn’t have got 9 months he’d have got 14 years.

So to the people saying she shouldn’t stop her DD seeing him, you need to consider the safety of your children. As someone who grew up like that I can promise you, I would have wanted to see my DF too, but I would probably have had a much safer and happier childhood had I been removed from that environment. Also it’s insidious having to lie to your parents to protect your other parent. Her GP are well out of order for encouraging her DD to lie

OP, I’ll try and be calm for you because a lot of the knee jerk posts won’t help. There have been some useful posts but it will be difficult for you to pick them out.

I would suggest you see if there is a local Family Solicitor who will give you half an hour with no charge or if you can afford it pay for one. I would hope/expect them to say to not allow father or grandparents to have any time with your child.

If father takes you to Court all the crimes, prisons sentence and lies will come out. CAFCASS will check with your child the stories they have been told. At the most I would expect father to be allowed to see her but supervised. Given the lies, his parents won’t be suitable supervisors and they are unlikely to even be granted time with the child.

It is correct that children benefit from having both parents in their lives but the time spent with them must be safe.

Does you child know now about the lies and understand the seriousness of the crimes ? She may need professional help to understand and balance that against her natural love for her father.

If you feel comfortable doing so maybe contact your local Children’s Social Services. The key issues being you have been lied to indirectly by the GPs, your child has been lied to directly by GPs, and last, but not least you are fearful he or they will try to make contact with you child without your knowledge.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope you can negotiate a way through. Please enlist the help of professionals. There are a few on Mumsnet but too many posters are just people with that old saying ‘a little knowledge is a dangerous thing’.

Best wishes to you.

I should think the issue with a sudden stop in all contact is that your DD could think that you knowing the truth means she no longer sees her Dad and GP so being truthful in her mind is not a good idea.
I would take it to court for a formal arrangement and see if untill that happens you arrange supervised visits with Dad or days out where he is not at the house. Would also get advice from social services.

My son was a heroin addict and when he was in active addiction he didn't care about anyone or anything except his next high. Keep your child as far away from this man as you can. I would never have asked my grandchildren to lie to their mother, that's inexcusable. I wouldn't trust any of them. Swerve the lot of them, his prison sentence will make it very difficult to get access, because it's drug related.

This sounds like really bonkers PC advice if you ask me. There’s no way I’d want my kids around a heroin dealer and gp who encouraged dd to lie to mum.

They're all out today :-).

Stepped up?? Don’t make me laugh!

The irresponsible grandparents are protecting their SON and risking the life of their granddaughter and manipulating her into lying on several occasions to her own mother about having spent time with her father or him working away in secret. Anyone that teaches my child to lie to me can fuck right off.

Supposing the criminals he owes money to decide to rob the grandparents house looking for the cash they’re owed? Do you think they’ll stop what they’re doing just because there’s a young child staying there?

How many times has a young child been fatally shot or injured due to accidentally getting caught up in a gangsters feud?

No way would I allow her to carry on visiting them. That would be a complete end to anything to do with them until she’s an adult and can make her own decisions.

i wouldn’t leave my child unattended with a heroin addict - and a dealer as well. Get the courts involved if need be.

So. Stop. Them. All. From. Seeing. Your. Poor. Daughter.

What’s to agonise over? They’re filth.

Tell me you know absolutely nothing about the crime world without directly saying that lol.

Tell him to go through court for contact and he can use it contact centre. Bet he doesn’t, because he’s been using/dealing heroin and that’s all important for that kind of person. Unfortunately, the court might decide that the grandparents are present so enough of a ‘barrier’ between your dd and his dangerous behaviour.

He owes money to dangerous people and is in prison for heroin. His parents are lying enablers who are selfishly putting their criminal son over the welfare of their granddaughter. These people are not safe people. That alone is your answer. No visits. No room for guilt or apology. End of story.

Your husband and his parents chose their behaviour and now they can face their consequences.

If DD wants to see them, simply explain you are protecting her. When she is older, she will thank you.

If you let her go, then you are just as bad as them.

How did you find out the truth, OP?

Knowing about the crime world isn't a flex.

Most of us would like to keep it that way. Don't you?

So what happens if they do go to court and he gets access? Will it really have been worth all the stress and aggro just to still have to let them see her anyway?

At the very least you should try and get a free appointment with a family court lawyer to discuss court proceedings. It sounds like a very dodgy set up to allow a child into. Keep notes on everything - messages, emails etc in case you have to produce them and see if you can get legal aid. I wouldn't trust any of them and at 10, your DD will be working things out for herself soon so if she asks maybe prepare an answer in child friendly terms. Good luck!

I’d take the chance I might win. I’d also take the delay in having to let her go if I lost. So yes, it would be worth all the stress and aggro for me.

Is there more than one sperm donor/potential father in the picture? I thought it was only one and am now confused by the above, "...still have to let them see her ...".

Honestly, it is all too complicated for words, poor kid.