I can’t believe they done this

[schoolie258]

Me and the dad have split up years ago. We have a daughter. Shes only 10. Just found out the dad has been in prison for the past 9 months and no one told me.
i now don’t want her to see her grandparents or her dad. It’s nothing but manipulation and lies from them.
I know I’ll end up being the bad guy but I’m sick of just letting them always have their way. He went to jail, they lied to me and my daughter about it. My daughter is upset coz she’s not seen her dad for 9 months and really wants to see him but if they had spoken to me and told the truth maybe she could have went to visit him.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m inclined to stop contact and tell them all if they want to see her they will need to go through the proper channels and go to court.

I have always just let them see her when they wanted despite knowing they are liars and her dad is a narcissist but this is a new low

he went to jail for selling and probably using god knows what.. he also owed a lot of money to some dangerous people so it’s a safety concern for me too as they know where he lives (with his parents)

i suppose I’m asking for advice? I’m not sure what to do for the best.

Stop all contact with her father and GPs.
If he applies to court you have exceptionally strong evidence that it is not safe for her to visit given his conviction and prison sentence.
I doubt if any court would consider allowing a child to go to the home of a heroin dealer.

Oh dear.

I wouldn’t want my child anywhere near drugs, drug-takers or drug-dealers.

Your child, understandably, loves and misses her dad. But this is a safety and protection issue.

Can he perhaps have regular supervised access at a ‘contact centre’?

Could you ask social services for help/ advice/ support in managing this?

Oh but he didn’t do it. According to the grandparents he’s innocent and he was set up and framed (eyeroll)
this is what they’ve always done. Honestly he could commit a murder and they’d defend him and probably help him hide the body! It boils my blood. He’s almost 40 btw. I don’t know who’s more stupid. Him or them. They’re all as bad as each other

It's not a matter of belief. It's well documented.

The Only exception is serious abuse, so a little abuse is always better than nothing....
Please check yourself.

Good god, what an absolute waste of space. Not seeing your own child for a whole 9 months is absolutely unacceptable behaviour, no matter what the reason.
To find out it's because he's in prison for selling heroin is just the icing on the cake
To have not been informed of this is the bloody cherry on top of the shitty cake
And to round it all off, as if al of that wasn't bad enough, he's clearly not even doing a good job selling heroin as he's still living with mummy and daddy.

This person bring no value to your daughter's life, to your life, or to frankly the life of any person anywhere, neither do is crappy heroin dealer raising parents.

Sack the whole lot of them off.

I can answer this. Because he is a fun dad and my son likes playing with him, and also because I was advised if I didn't support fine regular contact he might be given 5050
In court as I had no concrete evidence of his domestic abuse etc, that wasn't a risk I was willing to take. I'd rather have no court order and be free to reduce contact later if needed. If my son is distressed by him.

I don't think that the grandparents kid is that bad to be honest it was to protect their child

Did he write to her in the meantime? That would imply he's more child centred. If not then I have little sympathy for him

Sorry I have just seen they told your daughter to lie to you- that's awful - how confusing for her: no contact except supervised in contact centre paid for by them

Courts award time to much worse parents than this

Be wary of taking advice from people without experience of family courts op

How on earth do you think you're going to come off as 'the bad guy' in all of this?

The bad guy is the dude who got time for being a drug dealer. I can't imagine any situation where a kid would grow up and then turn around and say 'I hate you because you wouldn't let me hang out with my junkie / criminally insane dad.'

I would they have very child friendly visitors rooms my friend used to work in one

So your daughter has been seeing her Gps & lying to you (at their behest?) that she has also seen her father?

If so I think she needs to stay away rom all of them.

That is disgusting behaviour.

He can't have done because you know if a letter has come from prison, so the OP would have known much sooner than 9 months.

You're in a tough position, OP. In your shoes I'd be feeling pretty done with it all too. But it's understandable you don't want to cut your daughter off from that whole side of her family.

My compromise for now would be that she only ever sees GPs when you're around. And if they ever break that or encourage her to lie to you again, contact is done.

Good luck.

Stop all contact immediately. You’re putting your child in danger placing her in the home of a drug dealer.

They need to go through the courts, but if I were you I’d counter their application with a restraining order for safeguarding purposes.

At some point you need to talk to your daughter about this too, and given her age, I’d seek advice on how this should be done.

Excuse me?

I agree with the PP that says you only allow the grandparents access with you around. Teaching her to lie about something so big is dangerous, she lied and went along with it - what else could they be teaching her to lie about?

OP, you need proper legal advice from a family law specialist.

The outrage you feel is justified but I don’t know how this stacks up if your ex wants to see his child.

Please get the advice you need that will help you keep your child safe.

His denial is irrelevant, he was convicted.

Yes, this. Family courts are well aware of the research in this area, unlike posters who are insulting me for citing it. They very rarely cut contact unless there has been serious abuse.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t have my children within a million miles of these people.

Like I’d literally go on the fucking run.

It's well documented that spending time with a heroin dealing (and using?!) parent who lives a chaotic and dangerous life is better for the child? Can you point to the evidence?

Have you spent much time with heroin dealers and users? I have and wouldn't leave a plant in the care of one, sorry.

OP's instincts are spot on.