Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

It sounds like the whole family (including you) are a bunch of drama llamas.

I'd let it go and see how the visit goes this time.

Then decide where to go from there.

Where did your aunt appear from?

Sounds like a lot of stress and anxiety, let it be water under the bridge and try to move forward. If you had a good relationship before, they try not to hold a grudge. People make mistakes, and aren’t perfect.

@TheQuaintTealSeal I think you should apologise, and ask to start again with MIL.
I'd also ask her to read this posting. It explains how anxious and fraught you were feeling at the time.
DD must be about 2yo now so all enjoy the time together.

You became your own mess of a self fulfilling prophecy. Please do better for your child.

Grow up, move on and model to your child what a emotionally grounded adult behaves like.

Your husband is also a childish and spineless idiot. Tell him to do better.

Your MIL is the least of your worries if your husband behaves like that.

Dh calls his mum & says 'Quaint is really worried about this visit. We both feel terrible about the way things went with the holiday - we were freaking out all over the place travelling as first time parents, & Quaint's aunt turning up...well that was bonkers & not what either of us wanted. Anyway, we both really want a fresh start, so can we just agree to draw a line under holidaygate - & hopefully laugh about it when dd's around 16?'

If he's not prepared to do that, then in the classic MN line, you have a DH problem.

Tbf it does sound like he was a massive prat at the time. He couldn't have contacted his own mother, who'd arranged a holiday for him & his family, organised some lovely dgm/dgd time with him there as the parent, & given you down time when you were obviously super stressed & struggling?

Who shouts at a baby for making noise, and who does that on a plane full of people? Also sounds like you and your husband aren’t half wise, the baby can’t have been that sick when she was able to fly home as planned yet neither of you could handle the situation, had to phone your mil umpteen times and needed the aunt to help. None of that is normal. It’s no wonder your mil was concerned at how you dealt with the baby.

Are you young? Sounds like your mother was so worried after speaking to you that she sent your Aunt. That probably upset your MIL and maybe why she didn’t speak to you. I can understand her commenting about you shouting at an overtired baby. I’d imagine it was embarrassing for her too with everyone hearing. I don’t think this is all MIL’s fault. It’s a shame if you can’t both draw a line for your daughter and husband’s sake. Hope you got some help for the mental health issues.

Agreed.

What a ridiculous carry on. The shouting, the wanker of a husband, the inability to of two parents to look after their own child, the aunt-how did she get to your hotel room…the logistics are baffling if yoi didn’t want her there.

Obviously the MIL didn’t want to spend time with you. Why would she? She would have to be mad to want to.

Thank goodness she did keep away from you all or the fall out would have probably been worse.

I think your husband contacting your mil and smoothing things over is the best way forward. If he knows how to use a phone that is.

You come across as two martyred hapless baffoons who blame everyone else for what happens to you. If your child was that ill you should have taken her to hospital.

This 👆

Don't ever let anyone force you into going anywhere with your child that you don't want to. They all sound like a bunch of c**ts to be honest, and I wouldn't be allowing this visit. Can you go somewhere with your child maybe go and stay with your mum and just make an excuse, say your mum is ill or something?

So so much this.

The people in the airport weren’t “looking at you” that is a wildly self absorbed thing to say. They were concentrating on their own lives, and being adults are generally able to cope with a crying child, because they know that on any other day, it could be them.

You say you can’t move on, but you definitely could, you are just choosing not to.

The last point is, I dont know whether you are receiving treatment for your anxiety, but this is an example of how untreated mental health issues are ruinous to family relationships.

Why doesn’t she just use her words and say what she actually wants rather than dragging her mother into her lies?

Gently....

I am normally in the "boo!!! what a bad MIL" camp but honeslty...she has a point

It sounds crazy and you sound like a woman on the edge.

She kept away to minimise the damage and now she's prob just trying to move on and honestly....maybe you should too.

In her shoes I'd be very upset if I'd spent £££ money trying to do something nice for my family (ie my son, dil and GC) and you behaved like that. If you didnt want to go you should have communicated that like an adult.

Your child is 14m now.... I get pp hormones but honestly you sound like you were all over the place and so emotionally flabby you were alternating between various extreme emotional states the while time.
It's not okay...alsonbeing around someone like that is exhausting

You were in such a state / verbally communicating you weren't coping to the extent your mother was so concerned she sent your AUNT to visit.... and a woman, who you yourself say was a 3rd mother (who was your 2nd?! 😆), has felt the need to distance herself.
I think you know yourself itd not everyone else who is being weird / the problem?

Some good free advice:

• let this go and move on, your mil sounds like a good woman and better than many mils out there. Let her visit, be normal / nice and see how it goes.
• sort out your headspace. Eat well and get some exercise.
• your extreme moods will damage your child long term, sort them out now and get into therapy.

Sorry what? Your mum sent your aunt out? What even is this shit? No wonder your MIL wasn’t happy.

You and your DH were probably both being very annoying, fusing over everything and not coping well with your baby.
I think you over egged the story when talking to your mother which is why she dispatched your aunt.
I can perfectly understand why your MIL avoided you for the holiday. She was probably embarrassed by your behaviour and didn't want her new family to have to suffer it as well.
When she arrives, just apologise and say it is all water under the bridge and can you start again, unless if course you want her to avoid you for another 6 months.

Your aunt turning up was absolutely mental. How did she even know where you were staying? I mean the exact location? I've sent family a link to air BnB or hotel we stay in on holidays, just to show them 'ooh look where we'll be' type of thing, but just turning up there is crazy.

Am assuming the aunties fortuitously lives in this exact same abroad locale or is loaded to get their so quickly?

Presumably the OP had shared all the details already with her mother.

I read this as the OP was having such meltdown / so distressed her mother was so concerned when she couldnt go herself she sent the aunt to ensure everyone was okay / safe.

Which circles back to how extreme is a grown womans behaviour that it merits that kind of extreme "wellness check" ?

I am not convinced OP is necessarily giving a balanced / accurate narration

I had some friends who didn’t seem to be able to cope with very normal day to day stuff when they had little ones (theirs was about 2/3 years younger than ours and others in the group). You sound like them and they were pretty difficult to be around at times as everything was a drama/problem - it made everything really hard work.

I’m guessing your MIL didn’t want to be around that on holiday.

You need to let it go and see how things go otherwise this could cause a pointless rift that could drag on for years.

Sounds like a nightmare. I'd have hated to have a surprise holiday sprung on me at the last minute with no passports with a 14 month old. Then MIL just vanishing like that, so rude. You'd think a children's nurse would know how to smooth over a fraught situation she must be crap at her job.
Quite frankly I wouldnt get worked up about her visit, just go about your life as normal.
Best to put your husband in charge of entertaining her.

Everyone has behaved badly. If your MIL booked a holiday for you entirely out of the blue with a month's notice, without asking you - that's crazy. If you agreed to a holiday you didn't want to/weren't well enough to go on before she booked it - that's also crazy (if she booked it without asking, you still could and should have said no, but I get the pressure that shes spent money).

Your behaviour on the plane sounds unreasonable but you say you were unwell at the time. Your mum sending your aunt was really crazy - unless your mental illness has got very serious in the past.

I can see why your MIL was upset at your aunt gate-crashing the holiday she organised but I think ignoring rather than talking about it it's pretty childish.

As to this weekend, mil sounds like she's offering a genuine olive branch. As I think you were at least as equally culpable in the holiday disaster, I think you should try to forgive and forget. So I'd behave like that was the case. Organise a nice but low key day out, cook a nice but in stressful meal. Ask if she wants to take your DD to the park. But for god's sake if there's stuff your not comfortable with being proposed then say so straight away, calmly, and offering an alternative.