Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

Nope. I’m firmly in the camp of OP needing help with what sounds like a significant mental health problem which everyone, including her DH, was doing their best to ignore and avoid. And forgive me if l’m missing something here, but OP says MiL organised the holiday - she doesn’t specify who paid for it. And the fact that OP and her family were in a different hotel to MiL’s party suggests they paid for it themselves.

The OP wrote so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.

So not ‘howling like a banshee’. It seems so many posters have seized on this one incident to make out the OP is an unfit parent and deserved everything she got. Have people not been in a stressful situation with a baby before? The OP mentioned struggling with her mental health. Yet people are using this against her too.

Agree with seeking mental health support but OP, do it for yourself, not to please these people.

Nobody should be 'raising their voice' on an aeroplane, nor on any other form of public transport.

So MIL wants to visit you.

Presumably staying?

Let your husband take the lead & join in if you want to.

From what you have written there seems to have been a lot of drama centred on you.

Wasn't it best that MIL just stepped back at the time?

It does sound as if she was venting that the holiday she had organised didn't work out as planned.

Probably best to just reset & move on.

Let her get involved with her GC & take the time to relax in the background.

I also think OP needs some therapy. But she also needs a bit of introspection and maybe to have a think about what she wants her life to be like in the future.
And what she wants her DCs life to be in the future.

She urgently needs, via therapy if she can't face a conversation, to address her DHs lack of support or parenting ability/acuity. If i had seen my partner clearly overwhelmed in that situation, i would have taken the child off them and told them (partner) to take a minute or two.

I get that travelling early with a small child for the first time for a first time parent is difficult.

Yep. One of the most unpleasant keyboard warrior kickfests l’ve seen in a long time. Bullied by her husband, coerced into going on a holiday she didn’t want and then blamed for ruining it by her husband’s DM, who seemed more interested in impressing her new husband than realising her DiL is struggling. She effectively sent her to Coventry for six months and now expects to make a grand entrance of forgiveness. If l were OP l’d be taking myself off for the day and considering my options.

Where does it say she howled like a banshee on the plane? Where does it say she was treating the child like she was dying of the plague?

OP was not coping because she had undealt with mental health problems and had been pushed into a situation that was completely overwhelming for her. Instead of doing what he could to make it easier for her to manage the situation her 'd'h had a go at her for the baby being upset. So now she has MH problems, is stressed and overwhelmed, in a situation she never wanted to be in, had a baby screaming, and her 'd'h making it worse instead of helping. Then people expect her to be grateful to the MIL 🙈

Im surprised everyone is saying how shit the DH is.

Op couldn't cope with anything. It took 3 adults to deal with an ill child and it still wasnt enough as they late night called MIL after shunning her even at meals.

OP cannot cope with a single normal life event and she needs support before her child picks up on this.

The lack of support from the husband is the more immediate problem. I'd really think twice about having any more children with a man that does such a poor job of supporting you at times like that.

It was the MIL avoiding the OP on holiday, not the other way round.

OP, you are acting like a bratty teenager. Time to reset yourself into Mum/Adult mode.
Apologise to everyone, grow up and be a woman, not a child. X

And no dickwad of a husband should be sitting next to their wife grumbling and complaining to her about her inability to stop the child from crying. On an aeroplane, or any form of public transport. Or anywhere else for that matter. He’s not a sperm donor, he’s a parent, and as a parent he should have recognised his wife was struggling and stepped in to help.

Are you sure you’re on the right thread ? OP’s DH and his family behaved appallingly. They should be the ones apologising.

I’m sure the OP is well aware of that. But life is not always serene and silent.

Im surprised everyone is saying how shit the DH is.

why? he was an absolute shit show for not checking with OP that she was ok with the short-notice holiday, for not stepping in and helping with the child, etc etc

MILs can't do anything right on MN. If she stands by and lets the DIL and her DH sort things out she is a distant uncaring bitch. If she steps in to help she is a meddling old witch.

You need to apologise to your MIL. That would be a start

She did have her aunty fly in and gate crash and she was shunning meals too.

I imagine right from shouting on the plane her behaviour wasnt suggesting she wanted MIL near her unless she wanted her medical advice of course

MILs can't do anything right on MN.

Yup
How many of you have sons....wait until it is your turn to be hated.

For what ? Being coerced into going on a holiday she didn’t want, having her MH ignored in favour of a ‘just get on with it’ attitude, being talked about behind her back, and then being sent to Coventry for six months ? Not to mention the behaviour of her prince of a DH who sounds like the root cause of her problems.

to be fair, i would be Having Words with any son of mine who hadn't supported his wife on the plane.

Sending your own family to Coventry for six months and then breezing back in as though nothing has happened doesn’t exactly help though does it ?

Can we all please stop making out that a one hour flight with one small child is akin to scaling everest. That does OP no favours.

Yes the OP needs help with anxiety but she also needs to understand that her actions and her concept of what she should be expected to cope with, are far from normal or acceptable.

She seems to think her actions were reasonable because of anxiety- they weren’t reasonable and she would be far better served by facing and accepting that and dealing with it.

Agree she sounds young but nonetheless she is a parent and has to step up.

Is the OPs word gospel. We dont know how she behaved.

People are their own best spin doctors.

Its never so black and white.

I like to think as MIL I'll be capable of cutting my potential DIL some slack when she has kids at a difficult age and might not be sleeping enough.