Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

I can see why you were upset at a last-minute family holiday being booked with flights at 4am when you have a baby and anxiety! You can't really keep MIL from seeing grandchild though, so you need to try to get through this - maybe having a frank chat about what happened, how stressed you were and how you didn't ask your aunt to turn up! Thank her for her kind thought in booking the holiday and ask to be more involved in planning stuff in future. Try to get on for the sake of your baby and good luck!

Sounds like you were very unsupported by your DH and with your anxiety through the roof this was never going to work.

However, I am seeing this very much from your MIL's point of view. She's organised (and paid for?) a holiday for extended family including her grandchild who she is looking forwards to spending some time with but you then chose to avoid everyone for the whole time including at mealtimes and worse somehow invite (from her POV) your aunt along. It appears very rude and a rejection of her and her family. You avoid them the whole time, only call in the dead of night in an emergency to make use of her medical expertise and are upset that she rejected you at the airport.

I am very surprised you didn't send a card or letter after the holiday with a heartfelt apology and explanation of the circumstances.

Don't dread her visit, see it as an opportunity to build bridges. She must feel very hurt and upset by your behaviour. Are you going to shut her out for evermore because of your poor behaviour?

The projection here is wild. Nothing that family did could be described as "batshit", as opposed to an aunt travelling to the hotel unannounced, which is unhinged.

You all sound completely unhinged and very immature.

Agreed. I’m sickened by some of the replies on here, who are clearly seeing a chance to jump on someone.

I think Auntie turned up because she lives close to where OP was staying and OP’s mum was so concerned about her that she asked her to check in with her. There is clearly a significant, untreated MH problem going on here that everyone - with the probable exception of OP’s mum - is ignoring. Including, it seems, OP’s DH. OP didn’t want to go on the holiday and sounds overwhelmed. Left to her own devices OP would have declined but her prince of a DH talked her into it. So it’s not really a nice gift for OP is it ? More for her DH who clearly wasn’t going to pass up a free holiday even if it meant exacerbating OP’s mental health issues.

And you sound like one of the aforementioned keyboard warriors waiting in the wings to kick someone looking for a bit of support.

Support for howling like a banshee on a plane, arguing with DH, treating a child who was not so sick she was unable to fly home like she was dying of the plague, getting her own family involved, tears and tantrums - on a trip to Ireland. And these are people in charge of looking after small children!? What are we meant to say? There there you are doing a great job? when not coping at all is blatantly obvious.

Havent rtft in full but i posted earlier saying she needs to get help with her mental health and make it up with her 3rd mother because shes clearly not in a good head space and maybe its not everyone else...maybe its her.

She struggling thats very clear but shes also looking for validation of her actions.

Yes, It's not helpful to twist the knife but its also really unhelpful validate every single feeling and tell her shes right...

There's a rift with her mil who from what OP implies is a supportive part of her "village"... while OP is clearly is pain... doubling down and deepening the divide isnt going to help OP given her mental health / current (in)ability to cope...

@TheQuaintTealSeal and there is nothing wrong with struggling/not coping.. God knows most of us do... But its important to sit with it, as sometimes your perspective is skewed. Dont alienate your MIL over this.

just answering the OP.

The answer is, thrust DD into DHs hands and walk away. Even in a plane you can do that.

But you need to toughen up. Life with children is challenging. You need to learn to advocate for them, and for yourself. It doesn't need to be confrontational or argumentative, it needs to be firm and consistent.

I disgaree.

The OP verbally abused her baby in public - what is she doing behind closed doors? Its all about the OP's 'anxiety' - what about the anxiety of her baby in a strange sitaution in the middle of the night with a highly strung emotionally dysregulated caregiver - the OP should be prioritsing coping mechanisms to manage her anxiety - and then step up her parenting to soothe her baby.

Good on the MIL for calling it out. She stated it to the partner - not the OP - it was factually dreadful and abusive parenting - in order for him to sort it out.

Seems like the OP makes her anxiety the core of her personality. Honestly the so called drama of getting pass-ports - get over yourself!!.

OP needs to reflect on her behaviour and ask her MIL - how can we resolve this?

Sounds like really poor communication skills on everyone's part.

If you're anxious you should preempt with a text to smooth things over really, If you still aren't great at communicating with her face to face and on the spot.

I think it's time for an adult conversation together to clear the air. In the past you've seen MIL as a maternal figure and hopefully you can all repair this situation so you can get back on a better footing. When you say that you are somewhat being made to attend, where is this meeting happening? If they're not staying with you, then you have a good way to manage how much time you spend together. In advance, you can make it clear to your DH when you will be leaving to get your DC to bed etc. Try to take a bit of control here so you can manage your own feelings and anxiety.
Its very understandable that you are worried about seeing her again, and hurt at the text (which your DH should never have shared with you!) but I think you can be the bigger person here and try to forgive what was probably said in haste and anger. Could you message her yourself with a photo of her DGC and a little update on how she's doing ahead of this get together?
In all honesty, you didn't cover yourself with glory during the holiday, but I can only assume there's much more to this as your aunt turning up is really extreme unless your mum (with whom you are 'closeish') has reason to be very worried about your wellbeing. I hope you're feeling much better now than you were in February - be strong and get this over with for the sake of what will hopefully be many years of family life!

Oh Ive just thought, DEFINITELY delegate to husband as often as possible. Force him to take the lead and deal with any meltdowns / difficulties in front of his mum so there's nothing to criticise. Busy yourself with as much cooking / tea making / cleaning / popping to the shop as possible.

She avoided everyone even at meals and then was upset MIL moved seats away from her on thr return flights. Perhaps MIL thought she wanted rid of her.

All of this is basic stuff. My parents lived abroad for a few years and my mum managed both my sibling and I alone on a flight home to see my GPs at an age when one of us would have been a babe in arms and a toddler. There were no screens at that time either.

If the anxiety is such that it took 2 adults and an aunt flying in to gatecrash the holiday to support OP and she still couldn't cope then she needs significant professional help. It's not for everyone else to bend over backwards for this.

Your MIL was having a moan and shouldn’t have said that to your H but it wasn’t meant for you to see

your H is a shit stiring Twat and has now caused damage between you

best thing is to go for a bit, show MIL that you are actually a calmer mum than she thinks. Apologise for being so frayed around the edges past time. Show her your heathy adult mode. If it continues to be difficult you might need to talk to her but for now she might realise just from seeing you calm and being warm to your DC and less stressed that she has you wrong.

main issue is how do you not rip your partners head off. I wonder if he also complains to his mum about you/share your private messages with her. So unhelpful he did that

this is what I feel too, why on earth is your dh getting on at you about the fact Both of yours child is crying
and to send that message Just to be spiteful is v concerning

he should have said ok let me try taking the baby

he could have said yes we’d love a holiday but we can’t fly at 4 am with such a young child that’s ridiculous and not setting you all up for success

mil was sounds pushy and rude and now she’s suddenly decided to sweep it under the rug, guess n she doenst wanna talk itnthrough properly and really try to repair what’s happened

so not do that or you’ll get more of the same

if you do want to move forward your going to need to talk it through and explain how you felt forced on the holiday
explain to her how her son has behaved
otherwise you’ll be in for more shit
you need to stop it now or it gets worse

Lean into your mum, she seems the only person that’s actually genuinely concerned about you

good luck op and stick up for yourself you can say no, no I don’t want to do xyz
no that time doesn’t work with such a young child
no dh why are you having a go at me because our dd is crying

you can do it, wishing you the best

Who books 4am flights for a 14 month old? Why is it OPs job to arrange passports for a holiday she didn't want to go on when she is struggling. With MH? Why is DH complaining about baby crying as though a non-crying baby is a service his wife is supposed to provide for him? Why is MIL sending texts about her concerns to the useless dad, failing to call out is own ineffectiveness in it, and not offering to help with crying baby when she's helped to create the situation, if she genuinely cares? Why is husband showing such texts in an argument? Snapping at your baby once while under pressure is not abusive, it's inevitable. Is that the only behaviour in this story you'd see as abusive??

It's her job to arrange her passport as no one else can make the declarations on an adult application or sign it on her behalf.

🤦🏼‍♀️

What projection ? Never been in this situation in my life. Wouldn’t even think of being coerced into going on holiday if l didn’t want to. Doesn’t mean l don’t understand the pressures brought to bear on OP to agree to it against her better judgement.

DH is clearly a hands off dad if his shitty attitude on the plane is anything to go by, and OP has a mental health issue - sounds like a significant one too. She’s had absolutely no support from either DH or his family so she rang her mum.

Mum clearly recognised what was happening and was concerned enough to ask auntie - who it’s obvious lives locally to where OP is staying - to check on her. At which point, regardless of the reason auntie turned up, MiL takes offence and avoids them for the rest of the holiday - pointedly moving their seats away from them on the plane home and scurrying off to the bus without another word. She then texts DH that she’s worried about her GC because of OP’s ‘parenting’ and instead of recognising OP’s difficulties and offering support, proceeds to avoid them for another six months. Now she expects OP to sweep it all under the carpet and welcome her back with open arms.

And you think that’s normal ?

Lots of people book flights early with toddlers, that might be the only option! Have you never had an early flight?

She said "passports" - I assumed she was arranging the baby's passport, since it's the first time they've been away? 🤦‍♂️

OP I think you need to set the whole MIL issue aside for a bit and focus on your own issues. You're clearly really really struggling to cope with normal levels of parenting stress, for whatever reason. And yes maybe some of those around you could have been more supportive (your OH springs to mind), but you also need to acknowledge that your issues exist and start thinking about how you can work on them. Maybe start by just booking a GP or HV visit? Help is there.

Agree, unless you're in a gentle parenting purity spiral snapping at a 14 month old in a stressful situation doesn't constitute abuse. It doesn't need "calling out" and let's face it most "calling out" is done for the wrong reasons.

OP someone who avoids you on the holiday and storms off without saying goodbye and sulks for 6 months isn't suitable for you to get support from, so don't worry about losing that. She's also someone who has brought up a son to moan at you to keep the baby quiet rather than pitching in to help out with his own baby. I notice she didn't criticise him for that.
She's probably finally contacted you as she's worried your family will get to see you at Christmas and she won't or something.
Just be civil to her when she comes, which is more than she was to you on the holiday and bitching about your parenting afterwards.