Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

It sounds like you were completely at fault. Your MIL tried to do something nice for you all & you ruined it. Your aunt turned up at your hotel????? Of course your MIL is going to upset. You say she now just wants to forget it all but I think it should be you apologising profusely. Sorry OP, I don’t mean to be so blunt & unkind but you really need to think about how wrong you were

I think I'd be polite for the sake of DH but cool and distant.

I struggled with the baby and toddler years and any family member that wasn't pitching in or offering help at difficult times was dead wood as far as I was concerned so I don't blame you for being upset with her. It sounds like she put you in a tricky situation with this badly thought out trip, why invite someone and then stay in a different hotel and barely spend time together? I'd struggle to forgive someone for being so thoughtless.

No this is AIBU where strong minded, opinionated women, will wrap you in love and give a very un mumsnetty hug when its needed, give you the best advice in the world, but will also call out pathetic behaviour, poor attitude, woe is me behaviour!

We are not here to agree with you and pander to you! We are not your mother - we will stand with you, but not molly coddle you!

Well OP, your MIL tried to do something nice, gave you space on holiday and seems to me couldn't do right for wrong!
Why were you on the phone to your mum multiple times ?? Why did your aunt turn up?
Sounds like you and your husband both need to grow up and act like the parents you are!

I would send you MIL a message.

Hi, thought I would just message you before you arrive.
Looks like we are going to have some amazing weather this week, is there anywhere you would like to visit, in case we need tickets?
DG is walking and talking and is now a delight to be around, I really do hope we all can have a great time.
love xxx

Maybe she was giving them time as a family? Didn't want to be in their face 24 hours a day, Maybe she stayed in a more expensive hotel - didn't want to put them under pressure to pay for something they couldn't afford,

So because you struggled with your children and wasn't offering to bail you out is dead to you?

It’s also where keyboard warriors hang out to put the boot in to an OP who is posting for support and who won’t hesitate to pick apart the minutest insignificant detail to bash the OP and derail the thread.

You forgot that bit.

I think your mental health and issues with anxiety are what you need help with and are likely to be the source of your negative feelings towards others.

You are currently anxious because MIL is visiting. You were anxious about going on holiday. You were worried people were looking at you. You were worried about your child being ill.
What help are you getting?
Does your DH recognise you have a problem or are you in denial about the significant effect this is having on you?
I don't understand why you were pressured into going on holiday when you didn't want to. A simple no thank you, maybe next year when DD is older.
DH also seems rather useless - why wasn't he helping on the plane when DD was fussing?

The fact your Aunt turned up also suggests significant concern from your family - were they worried you were going to hurt yourself?

It sounds like you need urgent counselling... Can you afford private help?

It would be stressful having a baby crying on a plane. Instead of your dh moaning at you to keep her quiet he should have helped calm the baby down. That's what my late dh would have done as he saw himself as an equal parent. Personally if I had a MIL who was sulking and who stormed off without saying goodbye I wouldn't be in a rush to apologise. Just be polite to her when she comes and see what happens.

She did nothing wrong. She bought you a holiday and you spoiled it with your negative, childish, drama llama behaviour.

Sincerely apologise and hope SHE can forgive you.

how did the aunt get there ?

This ^^ @TheQuaintTealSeal

And absolutely ignore the unsupportive and very unkind comments. No idea why women and presumably mothers on a mothers forum have such empathy for a first time mum finding a screaming baby on a plane and a useless DH stressful. Travelling overseas with toddlers can be a nightmare full stop.

Like many posters here, your MIL does not sound particularly empathetic but it might be worth trying again on the basis of wanting your DC to know their DGP and knowing the limits of the relationship.

Your own DM also sounds like she’s got boundary issues, which might feed into wider family dynamics, as she acted without your knowledge or consent, making a bad situation worse.

Edited to add: I hope the op doesn’t return to this thread. It will do little to allay her anxiety. Jesus. The vicious comments are quite something.

You don't need to get passports and take a stressful flight to have time as a family, you can do that just fine at home. I personally wouldn't see the point in inviting people to holiday with me if I was going to spend so little time with them.

Personally yes, when I was in the thick of it with babies and toddlers I didn't have any time or capacity for people that weren't supportive. I wouldn't have been happy to trouble myself to take a trip with hands off family members for example.

What you should be asking is has OP got time to seek help for her anxiety. She’s overwhelmed and l’d bet good money on her being left to do all the prep for a last minute holiday she was coerced into going on against her will. Only a dick of a husband would be in his wife’s ear about the baby screaming on the plane when they’re sitting next to each other. Does having a dick preclude him from parenting his own child ?

If it was so embarrassing for the mil and she can see her dil is struggling and her own son (ops husband ) is being a drip and not helping maybe she should have opened her mouth to tell her son off or offered to help.. no instead she thought it was better to send text messages behind ops back. Mil aint worried about the grandkids, she didnt even say bye to them.. her main objective is be a bitch to her dil.

OP didn’t want to go on the holiday - her DH ‘persuaded her’ to go because he wanted to go. A man who will sit next to his wife and child on the plane and complain to her about their baby screaming is clearly a hands off dad isn’t he ? And clearly so are the rest of his family because they barely saw them the whole time, despite the fact that OP is so obviously overwhelmed.

With your amazing levels of emotional regulation (swearing at strangers on the internet?!) it's clear that you never once lost your temper and snapped at your own kids. You do sound like a perfect parent, with your obvious kindness and calm.

"Be kind" is not just for children. Who thinks that??

OP for your own sake, write off MIL as a potential source of support.

This. All day long. Awful behaviour from DH and MiL. And so many posters supporting it and giving OP a kicking.

Quite. That was exhausting to read.

I also dont get the first time parents comment. She's 14 months not 14 weeks. Surely they'd dealt with her being ill before. 3 adults couldn't cope with her to the extent they wanted to call MIL back. Her two parents and aunt were there and still they wanted MIL. Clearly child survived.

The anxiety and mental health issues matter as whilst they are difficult for the sufferer they also take their toll on those around them. Id imagine no one wanted to be around that. Losing her shit and shouting on the plane at stupid o'clock for example.

It's quite telling that she confided in her mum and her mum sent her sister / OPs aunt to join them on holiday. That is completely crazy. It does give an insight into how bad OP must be if her aunt turned up abroad.

Just calm down all if you

Yes, why not. And while she’s at it she can prostrate herself and invite the rest of the family to trample all over her feelings, talk about her behind her back and ignore the fact that she’s drowning in anxiety and needs support. Oh wait…………………..

It’s a shame that those who witnessed you struggling didn’t support you better. It wasn’t just your job to sort things for the surprise holiday, keep a baby calm on the flight etc. no wonder you were anxious. Glad you have a supportive family as your DH sounds weak and his family unkind and unthoughtful.

Your DH needs to massively step up to support you and speak to MIL about how you felt otherwise I’d seriously be evaluating what they all bring to your life.

Then she should have said no rather than ruining it for her MIL.

Her husband sounds like a complete dick too but that doesn't excuse her behaviour.

You do sound rather volatile, to be honest. I hope you've been able to settle down and relax a bit more, for the sake of your child. "Raising your voice" at a crying baby is really not on and I'd definitely be giving you side eye if I was a witness to that. Getting your mum so worried she sends an emissary to check on you is so far from ideal it's unreal. It's a holiday not a concentration camp.

I can see so many ways that you have stirred up your MIL, who sounds like she just wanted to avoid the mayhem you're apparently causing. It's not really normal to respond to going on holiday like this, so maybe you should be seeking medical advice and/or therapy for whatever is troubling you.

I don't want to say "it's all your fault it went wrong" but really, there were many ways of avoiding all this strife and getting worked up over nothing, it needn't have happened. Your DH is culpable too, he should have been more supportive.

She lost her shit and shouted on the plane because she was overwhelmed. The baby was screaming and her useless wanker of a DH was in her ear about it instead of doing what he should have done - comfort his own daughter and give his wife a break.

Not one poster has yet acknowledged that OP didn’t want to go on this holiday. She was talked into it by her DH, who clearly did want to go. If he can do what he did on the plane, he’s clearly a hands off dad. He’s two faced too - supporting his mother’s dislike of his wife behind her back and then showing OP MiL’s nasty text when it suited him. I’d bet good money that the last minute nature of the booking left OP running round like a headless chicken doing all the prep beforehand and was already exhausted by the time they left. I’d be running a mile from him and his batshit family.