Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

What help have you sought for your anxiety?

Yes, that puzzled me too.
FWIW, I’ve always thought it was a mistake to go on holiday with family. It might suit some but all that waiting around for one another, deciding what to do and when, and herding together in a group……..not for me.
And actually, babies and young children neither want nor need a holiday (sage words from my GP when my DD was 18mths)

Your mil shouldn’t have booked a last minute holiday like that but you agreed to go so should have been less helpless about it.
Your aunt didn’t need to arrive but I assume your family was really worried and if your aunt lives close by, fair enough. If I was going somewhere on holiday, I’d likely want to meet up with family or friend in the area.
Unless your aunt stayed, your mil did not need to get that upset over her visiting. Thats really immature on her part. In fact, she sounds very immature, having such a strop for the duration of your holiday and all these months.

As for now, I’d accept your mild visit, keep cordial but keep a distance too. Be more in control of the relationship and life in general. Listen to some podcasts, get a self help book.

Very gently, you need to get help for your anxiety. Your mother seems concerned about you. Your MIL made it clear she’s also concerned. Your aunt turns up at your hotel to check on you. You need help and I hope you do get it.

I might be talking naively here as I’m a first time mum to an almost 11 MO. If my MIL had said that about me, specifically bringing my parenting into it, I could never forget that. And I don’t think I could forgive it either

I'm not sure why your DH was moaning in your ear about your baby crying on the plane. She is as much his responsibility as yours and he could have taken her and tried to calm her down.

Your mum was out of order sending your aunt round which is what has seemed to have caused this massive rift. If your husband had been more supportive you wouldn't have phoned your mum to moan and he was the one who insisted that you all go on this holiday, despite your misgivings.

If your MIL was fine with not seeing her grandaughter for six months because she was angry with you, she's not a particularly loving grandmother. Do you know why she has suddenly changed her mind and wants to resume contact?

Tell your DH that he needs to be more supportive and that if he had been, none of this would have happened. Agree to this visit and see how it goes.

I'd be interested to hear MIL's version of the story

I'd be worried if it was my grandchild too poor thing. Shouted at and got 2 parents who can't cope with an illness ........or life.

your dh needs to apologise for the shit show and ruining a holiday and ask for a fresh start.

You behaved extremely badly and your MIL also behaved badly by sulking. You made an absolute drama out of a free holiday.

You need to be able to control your reactions to situations you don’t want to be in , without it becoming a massive drama. Thousands upon thousands of people get early flights with babies and toddlers. It’s not ideal but it’s manageable.

I say this gently but parenting can be challenging and you need to learn how to deal with situations without making a massive drama out of ‘not coping’ I’d work on that.

Get some help with your anxiety. It will help you for the rest of your life. Stand up to your full height and put your rules in place. Your child, your home, your life. I think younger women feel they have to please to mothers. Only, if the mothers are worth pleasing.

If MIL was so worried about her grandchild, why would she not be in contact for six months? That's hardly the behaviour of a grandmother who is concerned about her grandchild's wellbeing.

Your MIL, as a pediatric nurse, will regularly see parents with genuine problems, so I'm not surprised that she had no time for your carry on. I wouldn't like to see a baby being shouted at by its mother either. I would've done exactly what she did and detached while trying to make the best of my holiday.

You could apologise and hope she forgives and forgets.

Me too. I had the impression that Auntie actually lives within striking distance of where OP was staying, otherwise mum would have gone herself surely ?

Let her come over and address it head on, be brave and try to clear the air. Otherwise this will drag on for years.

You definitely shouldn’t shout at fourteen month old on an aeroplane then, if you don’t want people to talk about your parenting. Just as a tip.

Shout at a crying baby, people are going to talk about it.

What did you say to your mum that your aunt ended up coming out to help you? That’s mad on your part and their part unless you were saying you were suicidal or something.

I’m sure your MiL was pissed off. You need to let it go and seek help for your mental health.

The best outcome is for your whole family to get along lovingly and support each other. Think about the long term benefits; try to reset the trust.
The best way to achieve this would be to forgive and forget.
Everyone was stressed. You were not perfect parents and neither were they.

If going on holiday with other people always set in stone some private space for travel, accommodation, meals and activities.

You decided to go but somehow the blame of needing last minute passports and an early flight sits with MIL.

I have no idea what you said to your Mum but I would be absolutely furious if an adult was despatched to check up on me and then remain on my holiday.

It does sound as though both you and your husband combined couldn’t cope with your baby’s tiredness or illness (you don’t mention doctor so not sure how ill she was) so I’m not surprised this raised concerns.

i hope your mental health issues are under control now, I would suggest speaking to MIL, drawing a line under it and moving on.

I think MIL could have been more supportive when you were obviously struggling.

I don’t think your MIL has done anything wrong. She arranged a family holiday and you just seem to have an issue with everything she did.
Not being able to get hold of her when your DD was ill isn’t her fault and if she was that poorly that you needed a paediatric nurse did you take her to hospital?
I often agree with DILs but in this case k don’t think your MIL has done anything wrong and you need help for your anxiety.

Someone who's human, tired, stressed, has unresolved mental health issues and her DH in her ear complaining about the crying baby.

Be kind?

This is pretty horrible. Do some people hang around on MN just looking for opportunities to make people feel terrible?

bless you it reads like you were really struggling with your mental health and neither your dh or his family supported you.

your mum sending your aunt was I assume her worrying/trying to help . I can’t see the issue to mil?

I’d be annoyed and hurt with my dh for this. It is possible he also felt out of his depth and fucked up. Depends how he is the rest of the time I guess. But sending the texts inspite was cruel.

your mil could have stepped up and supported you both, I’d view her as dh mum rather than my own relative going forward. Be polite, friendly but I couldn’t be close to her after that.

Bugger off with your "be kind" tripe, its patronising and for children! We wouldn't be where we are now with a nation of women who can barely cope with life if they had been told early on in life to get a bloody grip!

OP l think you should have made your feelings clear about not wanting to go on the holiday in the first place because the root of the problem is that you didn’t want to be there.

It also sounds as though you have a significant MH problem which hasn’t been addressed - and if you don’t mind me saying so, which everyone around you, including your DH, seems to be pretending doesn’t exist. And no one seems to be supporting you to get help for it - with the exception of your mum. I’m assuming your Aunt lives close to where you were staying, and that’s why your mum asked her to intervene. Please don’t blame her for that because she’s possibly the only one who actually sees what’s going on with you, and was concerned enough to step in - you seem overwhelmed.

There are a few things of concern. First and foremost why did you feel as though you couldn’t say no to the holiday ? It was last minute and reading between the lines l’d bet the farm you were expected to do all the prep. Secondly, why was your husband in your ear on the plane about the baby crying - to the point where you lost it and shouted at both of them to stop. Your DD is just as much his child - why didn’t he step in ? His family’s frankly childish attitude to your Aunt turning up to support you is of real concern if they suspect you are struggling with anxiety. Why are they not more supportive ? And why is your DH so two faced about his mother’s attitude towards you - why show you the nasty text message when he knew that would just make you feel worse ?

And something in the very first sentence of your OP is a waving red flag. ’I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend’. Why are you ‘being made to attend if you don’t want to ? Your MiL sounds a piece of work if she had any inkling that you were struggling and was concerned for how you parent her GC, and yet could stay away for six months and then just breeze back in and expect you to be in attendance.

You sound young, and I think you have a problem with anxiety, which in turn has affected your confidence so that you have difficulty in asserting yourself. And from the way they behaved on the holiday, l suspect your husband and his family have contributed to that. Your DH doesn’t have your back, but it sounds like your mum does. I would be talking to her a bit more about how you feel and maybe asking her to go with you to see your GP to get advice as to the best way to tackle your anxiety - including talking therapy.

And maybe see MiL’s visit as an opportunity to talk and straighten things out. Tell her how you feel and why you were so overwhelmed on the holiday. If she’s really the mother figure you’ve seen her as up to this incident, then she’ll understand and offer support. If she doesn’t then you limit contact with her. DH visits alone and with DD and you leave them to get on with it.

You only get one life OP. You need to get in the driving seat of your own instead of being a passenger at the beck and call of everyone else.