Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

Watching all these bitter and superior women gang up on a first time mum who's already being bullied by her husband is really the grossest thing I've seen for a while.

“Hi MIL, I’m sorry the experience on holiday wasn’t what you hoped it would be, I let my anxiety and the stress of travel get the better of me, in hindsight we should have maybe waited until DD was a little older. It must have confused the life out of you when my aunt arrived, it certainly confused me! Hopefully something we will be able to laugh at one day. Anyway, is there anything nice you would like to do when here? I was thinking we could do farm / park / beach etc.”

Your husband is another matter - he sounds spineless and spiteful. He could have helped you with the baby on the plane when he saw you getting rattled, instead of criticising you - why didn’t he take DD for a walk up and down the plane, worst case scenario stick 10 mins of In The Night Garden or something on his phone to calm her down. (Usually limit screens but honestly all rules go out the window on planes!)

Why couldn’t her DH do it ? Oh wait - he’s the useless git who couldn’t even parent his own daughter on the plane.

This is a husband issue not a MIL issue.

Why were you the only one taking care of your daughter on the plane when your husband was there (and a bunch of other capable relatives.)

Why didn’t your husband take control of parenting whilst away and let you rest up and relax knowing that you’re suffering with your mental health.

Why didn’t your husband speak to his mother and explain the situation more and how much you’re really struggling.

Why didn’t your husband tell him mother she was out of order for the way she’s treated you all?

You’re focusing on completely the wrong issue here.

So hold on a minute, it's too much trouble for her to apply for her baby's passport when she has to do her own anyway. Would anyone really be so belligerent to apply for their own passport and then refuse to do their babies next?

It's literally in the first post that she didn't have her own passport. So why would she do her own and pass the other one over to her husband.

Can she not be responsible for anything? Clearly not as she needed her aunty to fly in on announced on holiday and then she still couldn't cope. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yes OP please explain where the auntie came from. Surely she didn’t jump on a plane and come and stay at the hotel with you the entire time? Or does she just so happen to live in the country you visited?

Sounds to me as if your husband could do a hell of a lot more to support you.

Why didn't he take your baby instead of moaning at you?

Your Aunt turning up is of course ridiculous & I'm guessing is why MIL spent little time with you?

You need to get yourself some therapy by the sounds of things & your husband needs to step up big time.

She probably did. Assuming they weren't in australia and were only in europe.Most european destinations are barely a two hour flight. It's pretty easy to buy a flight to europe and just go the next morning.

I do think it’s a MiL issue too - she could have been more understanding of OP’s difficulties instead of ignoring them for the whole holiday and then staying away for six months. But l agree wholeheartedly that OP needs to ask all of these questions - her DH is massively out of line.

First off it's an OP's mental wellbeing issue. I'm not defending the others involved, but I'm worried that a thread full of people zeroing in on OH or MIL isn't going to help the OP seek out the help she obviously needs. I'm saying this as someone who struggled with anxiety quite severely and found the early years pretty tough.

"Get a grip!" That well known cure for all mental health issues.

I got the impression that auntie lives locally to where OP was staying - otherwise why wouldn’t her mum have gone herself ? Agree it would be good to clarify. Mum is clearly much more aware of OP’s MH issues and it’s one thing to ask a relative who lives close to check on her, but quite another to have to get on a plane to do it. I think it speaks to the level of concern.

You're obviously projecting because your entrenched position isn't reasonable based on what's been posted.

And yes, it's normal to be off with somebody who has caused a scene on a plane, hid in their room and bitched about their free holiday to their mum, had their aunt turn up announced to cause another scene, then decided they can never forgive you for not being delighted with this behaviour. The fact you can't see that is alarming.

OK so we all be kind and indulge EVERYONE's anxiety and issues around everything.

In 2 generations? what will happen?

We need to start teaching our children independent thought, resience and self-sufficiency as a matter of urgency. Girls not to fall into the trap of ending up on the mommy track against their will, boys to step up and be good partners and fathers.

I blame the 68er generation of teachers, tbh.

Interesting that MIL isn't allowed any opinions or feelings and has to be totally fine with everything the OP does, but the OP can do whatever she likes and it's fine.

Yep, along with ‘pull yourself together’ and ‘there was no such thing as mental health in my day’. OP should be bounding with joy and renewed zest for life in no time !!

Or it speaks to the general tendency for drama in the OP's family.

Indulging it constantly isn't exactly helpful either. It has to come a time where some effort is made to manage it.

Otherwise, the entire family's life is going to revolve around what she can and cannot cope with.And that's no life for anyone.

Exactly, along with 'you sound like hard work' and 'grow up'.

It's obvious that OP was and still is struggling with her mental health and her DH is a useless and unsupportive father who has conspired with his mother to put all the blame on OP.

MiL wasn’t fine with it though was she ? She made that perfectly clear on the holiday and for the last six months. And OP wasn’t allowed to do whatever she looked. If she had been, she wouldn’t have gone on the holiday in the first place. And l think her DH’s behaviour on the plane, along with several other concerns, points to a much deeper isssue.

You need to seek support for your anxiety. Your MIL was trying to do a kind thing by taking everyone on holiday and what was supposed to be a happy, bonding, time was completely ruined by all the unnecessary drama. I imagine she felt hurt and exasperated. If you didn’t want to go you should have said clearly. It is easy to see why she withdrew from you on holiday. Your DH needs to support you with the baby and the interactions with his mother but he should not be rolling over and agreeing with everything you want because that would be doing none of you any favors, but the most important thing is to get help with your anxiety.

i am firmly in the "mil didn't do anything wrong here and the DH is a twat" camp here

I should also say i have very little patience for adults who make such a fuss about everything and can'T function without input from their own parents so i may be judging OP quite harshly.

But: when you have a child you have to grow the fuck up and deal with stuff. So does DH, but absent that, OP needs to buy a sackful of grips and use all of them.

Therapy might help.

Of course she wasn't fine with it. Perfectly normal reaction to someone spoiling a holiday you paid for. But you think MIL can't have any feelings and only the OP matters.

if i put myself in MILs shoes, i would think "i can't do anything right according to OP so i will let her come to me when she's ready"

She works, she has a full life i would imagine. I would not be adding a DIL with huge anxiety issues to that unless and until she came to me, either for clearly articulated help or an olive branch.

The only thing that we can blame MIL for, partly, is the fact that her son is a useless waste of space.

She’s not wrong though, is she? Sometimes a good metaphorical kick up the arse helps drag people out of their self absorbed rabbit holes and helps them realise the impact they’re having on other people. Not always, but sometimes. At no point here has the OP had any consideration about other people’s feelings in this whole debacle.