Anxious for MIL visit after holiday disaster

[TheQuaintTealSeal]

As in the title really.

I am really anxious and not looking forward to MIL visit this weekend but somewhat being made to attend, more of a how should i navigate this than AIBU.

A bit of back story (sorry this is a long one), MIL organised a holiday for us all (myself, DH, DD 14 months at the time and MIL and MIL new husband and grandparents from Ireland) back in February. it would have been our first time aboard together since being married for 4 years. We only had a month to get passports for myself and DD due to when we were told about the last minute holiday, which I must admit I didnt really want to go with a 14 month old and undealt with mental health issues but was convinced to go by DH. Flight was around 4am so as you can imagine not a lot of sleep for anyone and with a tired 14 month old, the start of the flight was horrendous and I was starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety being on a busy plane with lots of people looking at me with the screaming of DD, DH moaning in my ear about her screaming and already not wanting to go anyway, so I raised my voice to my DD and husband to both stop in the panic of everyone looking.
FF to when we get there all started okay until we check in and the whole overwhelming situation I get a bit upset and really not wanting to be there and just wanted to fly back home, this was lack of sleep talking. Spoke with my mum as we are close ish hoping it would help (which i massively regret) and it somehow ended up with my aunt at our hotel door the very next morning, which i definitely did not ask for or want in the slightest.
MIL finds out about this and seemed okay about it, but barely spent any time with us or her DGC the whole week! We had 1 evening meal and 1 drink the entire week! Fair enough they also wanted to do their own thing but our daughter got sick and being first time parents the situation at the time and her state and being in another country, we were worried and tried to get hold of MIL. (Wasn't even in the same hotel, was a 10 minute taxi ride away but she's a pediatric childrens nurse), DH called many times but she didn't pick up so ended up with my aunt helping with what to do.

FF to flying home, we never went to the air port with MIL despite previous arrangements and they changed their seats to the front of the plane away from us, we were all booked together at the back before, didn't know of the change until we got on the plane.
When we arrived home at the airport we saw MIL walking briskly to the front of the terminal to get the bus to the car park, without even saying goodbye to her DGC.
We thought this was odd but carried on to the carpark on another bus.

This is where it gets nasty. MIL texts DH to say "sorry for not saying goodbye to DGC I was just pissed off with myself for her aunt turning up and I fully blame her for it and for ruining the holiday and I dont appreciate how she talks to my DGC and style of parenting". Now I dont think my DH really defended me and in effect said "we are the ones that deal with her 24/7 and we will parent how we see fit". I actually didn't know any of this for months until DH slipped up in an argument and said his mum didn't like me and sent me the screenshot of her message out of spite.

I'm so angry and upset over her comment and the fact that she acted nice to my face whenever we did see her for the whole week.

Now she hasn't visited in 6 months where usually it would be every month or so and NOW she wants to drop everything and let it be, and forget everything and wants to visit, and im expected just to forgive and forget, but I cant. I honestly saw this woman as a 3rd motherly figure and now im questioning everything.

How would you navigate this visit without causing confrontation or arguments as I cant handle it but dont want to be 2nd guessing if im being slagged off behind my back or be somewhere where im not wanted because im still being blamed and seen as a bad parent.
And yes I am aware my DH was also wrong in this.

Shall I just forget everything as I was in the wrong with raising my voice and not trying harder for my aunt not to rock up or am I right to still be annoyed and hurt by all this.

I'm going a different way to the majority with all this. I think your MIL sounds horribly judgemental. I'd be out on her next visit. Let your husband deal with the baby for once & go and treat yourself to a lunch out-alone.

I think that’s a great idea. MIL gets to see DS and DGD, OP avoids any further stress.

To be fair, I don’t think MiL was insisting OP go on the holiday - from what OP says that was her DH. And I don’t think anyone is doubting that DM appears to be just as controlling as DH. The difference is hers comes from a place of concern and possibly from a knowledge and understanding of OP’s mental health issues. His comes from a place of wanting to go on a holiday and letting that take priority over what’s best for his wife. OP has already said she has problems asserting herself, and as you pointed out upthread, DM could possibly be the underlying cause, or at least a contributing factor, as could DH.

What on earth did you say to your Mum? A relative flying out to check.up.on you like that isn't normal.

Thinking about it, I wonder if the problem at a fundamental level is that everyone had different expectations from this holiday. Mil clearly wanted everyone to have a good time - why book and pay for it otherwise ? DH wanted to go himself and wanted OP and his DD along, and his expectation was that it would be good for OP and possibly help with her mental health.

OP’s expectation was that she wouldn’t be able to cope, and given her description of lack of sleep on top of anti anxiety meds that made her tired anyway, a screaming child on a 4am flight and a DH who wasn’t exactly hands on during the journey , she wasn’t far wrong. Add to that the fact that the child was ill on the holiday and the stress levels just build from there. Hardly surprising that it went wrong.

OP has mental health problems - they sound significant and cause problems regulating her emotions, so the stress of preparing at short notice and the journey could have been more than enough to trigger it. Somewhere upthread she mentioned that her condition is well known to her family, so it’s possible her mum had cause for concern if OP was seriously dysregulated when they spoke. It does sound a bit extreme, but OP says she didn’t want it and tried to stop it.

Not me - I'm not the OP. But I agree with you, it's ridiculous and dramatic.

What on earth did you say to your Mum? A relative flying out to check.up.on you like that isn't normal.

Especially when Op was with her husband!

Presumably someone also told Op's Aunt where she was!

I can actually see now why the mother and law has backed right off. This is just overly dramatic and annoying to be around.

The OP has said she has mental heath issues. We don’t know the extent of these but can you not see her own mother was worried about her. Worried enough to send the Aunt out. Having mental health issues isn’t being ‘dramatic’.

Actually it is. Not the mental health but the reactions. Just think about that for a second, she didn't even allow her to settle in before the aunt arrived.she arrived thr next morning on the first morning of the holiday.

It's absolutely ludicrous for another adult to be on standby, to be able to fly at a moment's notice to support a grown adult woman and mother who is on holiday with her husband and mother in law. Three adults to support one.

It's dramatic plain and simple

Flights can often be a terrible experience for little ones. The pressure in their ears taking off and landing can cause a horrible painful earache. I have to hold my nose and blow to pop them and sucking sweets can help as swallowing can pop them too.
Every time I see a really screaming baby on a plane I can pretty much know that’s a good guess why it’s crying!
Don’t let this simmer with your MIL. Address the ‘elephant in the room’ straight away and tell her that you confided in your Mum how stressed you’d been with everything. You were looking forward to enjoying some relaxation now you’d actually got to the holiday destination! And you were as surprised and confused as anyone else that your aunt turned up. You hadn’t asked her to come and you certainly weren’t expecting her. It’s going to be an uncomfortable conversation but get it over with straight away - then see where you stand together. It’ll either heal a rift or it wont but at least you tried. Your MIL tried to spend a holiday with your family and that was a nice thing to do. Not saying it was anyone’s fault what happened happened but obviously crossed wires caused ill feeling.

You don’t think the mental health issues and the reactions to that are linked?

You don’t think we should be kinder and a bit more understanding to someone who is struggling with mental health issues, who has a 14 month old, has an unsupportive DH and was completely sleep deprived and struggling. You think we can, in that situation, judge them as ‘dramatic’. I’m glad I have more empathy as a human being than you do.

Flying out to support an adult is extreme even in those circumstances. The reactions are extreme from her even for mental health issues.

Id fly out last minute to a relative in a life and death scenario. Not because they were unhappy on the first day of a holiday and felt stressed.

I can see why MIL has backed away.

Don't be so ridiculous

'Evil trolls'

No. People with manners

If I was a MIL and I saw my DIL in great distress I would offer to help not back away.

The MIL didn’t even fancy seeing her grandchild on holiday. Then hasn’t been in touch for 6 months…plus with the rest of what the OP has said. She doesn’t sound great.

Lots of people with mental health issues suffer in silence. It’s good that the OP could talk to her Mum and her Mum made the decision she needed help. It’s not for us really to judge that as we don’t know all the back history.

I think sometimes we do need to take a mental health crisis seriously.
So many women suffer in silence and appear ok. Then they are not..

She clearly doesnt suffer in silence. Flies out her aunty on the first morning of a holiday. It's quite a public affair

You clearly have no idea about mental health issues - under the kind of stress OP experienced at the start of the holiday, that can push things to breaking point very easily. OP has disclosed her MH condition affects her ability to regulate her mood and emotions. She also disclosed that her own family are well aware of the effects. If her mum has been dealing with OP’s MH condition herself and was concerned enough after OP phoned her in a state of dysregulaton, to arrange for her aunt to support her, who are we to question that, given we know absolutely nothing of OP’s condition, how serious it is, or what may have happened in the past to trigger her mum’s reaction. That you think it ludicrous is all well and good, but maybe keep that to yourself instead of using it as a tool to be unkind and ableist toward someone who actually has a disability.

Are you always so dismissive of mental health, or are you equally unpleasant about disability in general ?

Or alternatively her mental health is so bad that she actually needs that level of support ?

You have to love the way some posters are advising that if OP’s mental health is so bad she’s in need of extra support. Of course she is, that should be perfectly obvious from the way she’s posted if people would stop sniping and actually try to understand it. But mental health support in the UK is an absolute shit show, so let’s not go down the road of pretending all she has to do is ask and the support will be there, because that’s just not the case.

So that leaves family and friends. And l suspect it’s the case that OP’s own family are a lot more aware of the severity of her condition than her in laws, and are a lot more prepared to step in and support. I’ve seen this a lot. When people are seeing someone they love suffer they will go to some extremes to support them. Some would say to the point of enabling, because when someone has a mental health issue, the people who love them are left feeling helpless because the suffering is evident but the cause is not, and you never know where the tipping point is to something more serious or even life threatening, so you support however you can. And people here seem to think that’s something to be mocked and ridiculed.

There are some posters here who should be ashamed of the way they have treated the OP. There are those who seem to be quite proud of their ability to deliver a cutting comment, which is incomprehensible when you realise how vulnerable the OP is. The ableism and lack of understanding of MH issues is palpable and those like myself with some understanding and insight have been insulted, accused of inventing things and had their intelligence questioned.

So l’m out. I’ll leave the typical MN nest of vipers to consume themselves until the end of page 40, by which time the OP will be long gone, if she isn’t already. OP if you’re still here l hope you manage to sort things out with your MiL. Don’t be too hard on your mum, she’s clearly concerned about you and mums tend to see things others miss. I hope the ignorant and ableist shit aimed at you by some here hasn’t done too much damage, and that you are able to access the support you need.

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I agree. This thread has been awful.

We are continually hearing about women especially when we are approaching mid life - unfortunately going missing and ending up in rivers and lakes. Apparently they seem ‘fine’ but clearly they are not fine.

Stop with the harsh judgements on here. You have no idea what the OP has been going through.

OP - if you feel happier without MIL in your life then that’s fine. She’s hardly made an effort with you and that’s her loss. Be polite to her that’s all. She’s the one who misses out on time with her grandchild and son.

AIBU is a harsh place to post - relationships is a bit kinder.

Wow!!

Exactly!!

I haven’t seen much evidence of people with manners on this thread.
There has been some really nasty and relentless dismissals of the OP, regardless of agreement (or not) with her post.