Page 9 | To think indecision is bloody rude

TitaniasAss · 11/08/2025 12:17

I've never realised that so many people get wound up about this. If I offer someone a sandwich, give them options and they say 'I don't mind' I just make them whatever I'm making for myself and don't give it another thought. I've never thought to myself 'what a rude, passive aggressive wanker'. 😂

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 11/08/2025 12:18

Thecomfortador · 11/08/2025 12:03

But if I had no genuine preference, to me the next logical step in deciding is making life a little easier for you - if you're having ham, then it makes sense for me to have ham too, save getting the eggs out. If there's several people and everyone else wants ham, equally I'd go with ham. If some wanted eggs and some ham, I'd probably just randomly pick a side. Maybe ham if the eggs are as yet uncooked. If the choice was something I really hated versus something I like then I could bring myself to express that. But genuinely I usually don't mind and my random choice generator isn't always fully charged. And as a previous poster said, sometimes there is a right and wrong answer and you have to work out what that is!

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There isn't and you don't. You are chronically overthinking this.

InWalksBarberalla · 11/08/2025 12:30

TitaniasAss · 11/08/2025 12:17

I've never realised that so many people get wound up about this. If I offer someone a sandwich, give them options and they say 'I don't mind' I just make them whatever I'm making for myself and don't give it another thought. I've never thought to myself 'what a rude, passive aggressive wanker'. 😂

I don't think anyone really cares if it's an occasional thing. It's more if say you go for a trip away with a friend and every day and every meal and activity is 'oh I don't mind' so you have to make all the decisions. And then to top it off they make little comments after - like it's such as shame we didn't get to try this or that restaurant or do this activity on the trip

fungibletoken · 11/08/2025 12:49

For me it's only passive aggressive if they say they have no preference then afterwards criticise the choice or silently fester on it. I like to think that's a minority of people, though. Most say nothing because they genuinely don't have a preference/suspect you might and don't want to put you out.

Thecomfortador · 11/08/2025 12:52

RockItLikeRocketFuel · 11/08/2025 12:18

There isn't and you don't. You are chronically overthinking this.

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Yeah maybe, but when you have no genuine preference and people don't like you saying "I don't mind" it's just logically how I would come to a decision.

MyIvyGrows · 11/08/2025 13:13

SylvanianFamiliesBalcony · 11/08/2025 10:11

It's definitely rude, it puts the onus on you to make every decision for them.

I would just say 'nope, I'm not deciding this time, it's your turn!' and force them to pick an outcome and go with it.

This is how I handle it with my family
and friends who do this. Just repeating “no, you choose! Your turn!” until they’re forced into a choice or they give up.

LillyPJ · 11/08/2025 13:44

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/08/2025 11:13

@LillyPJ

And maybe once in a while having no clear preference is just that - not indecision, not rudeness, just not caring one way or the other?

But if you genuinely have no clear preference between toast and cornflakes (as opposed to expecting someone to know by osmosis) why not just pick one? Rather than forcing the person offering to make the decision all the time. Why does it always have to be someone else's job to make decisions?

It's really infantile.

I said 'once in a while'. That's not always making it someone else's decision. And what's infantile got to do with it? Young children make very clear demands because they haven't learnt that it's not always their wants and needs that come first.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/08/2025 13:56

@LillyPJ

And what's infantile got to do with it? Young children make very clear demands because they haven't learnt that it's not always their wants and needs that come first.

I don't think all children make demands at all: a lot are too timid to ask for anything at all: clearly these are the same children who grow up unable to ask their host for a glass of water when they are staying with them...

But also when someone has clearly offered you options it's hardly a case of your wants and needs coming first is it?

These are invariably the people who say "I don't want to cause any fuss/bother". When they are actually creating far more fuss and bother by just being lame and refusing to say what they want.

LillyPJ · 11/08/2025 14:03

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/08/2025 13:56

@LillyPJ

And what's infantile got to do with it? Young children make very clear demands because they haven't learnt that it's not always their wants and needs that come first.

I don't think all children make demands at all: a lot are too timid to ask for anything at all: clearly these are the same children who grow up unable to ask their host for a glass of water when they are staying with them...

But also when someone has clearly offered you options it's hardly a case of your wants and needs coming first is it?

These are invariably the people who say "I don't want to cause any fuss/bother". When they are actually creating far more fuss and bother by just being lame and refusing to say what they want.

I say what I want if I want something. And I say if I'm not bothered. That's not lame or infantile, it's just honest.

Fionuala · 11/08/2025 14:04

don't bother asking them. Just serve up stuff and tell them what they are doing. Take the lead and take charge.

spoonbillstretford · 11/08/2025 14:29

Dangermoo · 11/08/2025 03:37

None of those examples are being indecisive- they are representative of a laid back attitude.

This. I'm afraid I don't see the problem unless they then moan about the decision you took on their behalf later.

I often have quite firm choices on what I'd like to eat or do, so if I say "I don't mind," I really don't mind! I would say that when I trust the other person to perhaps make a more interesting choice than I might think up myself.

Widower2014 · 11/08/2025 14:43

AirborneElephant · 10/08/2025 21:11

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

Do you have kids???
This is my kids all the time so they get what they are given. Don't like it, tough

SameOldMe · 11/08/2025 14:47

I don't mind indecision - however if I make a plan, I don't want any criticism. You could have planned it and choose not to. So if its not uo to standard or not want you to do - tough!!

xsquared · 11/08/2025 14:54

I find it annoying when they say they don't mind but then end up complaining about the choice afterwards.

Either make a decision yourself and take responsibility for it or truly let someone else decide for you and accept the consequences.

Alliod40 · 11/08/2025 15:20

Feck off..be very thankful you have a loving family you can do this with you never know what's round the corner..just do what you want to do and I'm damn sure if they want to do different they will eventually say..get a grip of yourself there's nothing ignorant about it at all..

OwlBeThere · 11/08/2025 15:33

Horsie · 11/08/2025 04:11

OP is describing pathological refusal to express a single preference or want, no matter how small, and that is WEIRD. It's not the same as being polite. Most people would say something like they prefer toast or they prefer cereal, at least, or make a decision between coffee or tea. This refusal to say anything is sometimes done when someone has been made to do something or go somewhere under duress, hence the rudeness.

Imagine you were trying to arrange a date with someone. If they refused to tell you what they wanted to do, what kind of food they liked, or whether they even wanted to go to a restaurant at all - just simply REFUSED to tell you, no matter how many times you asked them what they might like to do on the date - wouldn't you be wondering whether they even wanted to go? Because what they're saying is that they don't care what you do on the date, which is perilously close to saying they don't want to go on the date at all.

This isn't about politeness. This is about a total refusal to participate, and it comes across very negatively.

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I mean, I guess this is going to have to be another one I chalk up to ‘neurotypicals are weird’ because I absolutely would not think they didn’t want to go if they just said they don’t mind what we do. I would MUCH rather be told ‘we are going here and doing this’ than being asked what I wanted to do because being put on the spot is a lot of pressure to me.

OwlBeThere · 11/08/2025 15:33

xsquared · 11/08/2025 14:54

I find it annoying when they say they don't mind but then end up complaining about the choice afterwards.

Either make a decision yourself and take responsibility for it or truly let someone else decide for you and accept the consequences.

Yes I agree with that. Moaning if youve said you don’t mind IS annoying.

HardworkSendHelp · 11/08/2025 15:42

That would drive me mad and they would be told. You need to pick one. Like seriously tea or coffee and they can’t pick.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/08/2025 15:46

It sounds really annoying!

DS (11) has just started doing this and it’s really annoying!

Someone2025 · 11/08/2025 15:54

AirborneElephant · 10/08/2025 21:11

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

My mother is like this, she thinks she is being nice and not inconveniencing someone by doing it but it’s so annoying, and even when she knows it’s annoying someone she still won’t stop, as a person she is a bit like a sheep sometimes and will go along with what everyone else is doing because she think that doing otherwise makes for an inconsiderate person.

One time at dinner most of the guests were having a certain drink except for one woman who ordered something something different ( perfectly within her right) …..after dinner my mother was talking about this woman and the gall she had to order something different !

Sskka · 11/08/2025 16:13

OwlBeThere · 11/08/2025 15:33

I mean, I guess this is going to have to be another one I chalk up to ‘neurotypicals are weird’ because I absolutely would not think they didn’t want to go if they just said they don’t mind what we do. I would MUCH rather be told ‘we are going here and doing this’ than being asked what I wanted to do because being put on the spot is a lot of pressure to me.

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What if the other person will feel bad in case they’ve made a bad choice, or they just really want to know that you’re into it? Does that sort of thing just not occur to you?

DBD1975 · 11/08/2025 16:57

Good grief, really?
Quick conversation, I know you want to be low maintenance and no inconvenience (which you aren't). However I won't continue to ask you for input into meals or what we are doing. If at any time you disagree with anything, would like anything else please just say.
They aren't going to change so you need to and you just need to be a bit more directional.

Original poster

AirborneElephant · 11/08/2025 17:03

spoonbillstretford · 11/08/2025 14:29

This. I'm afraid I don't see the problem unless they then moan about the decision you took on their behalf later.

I often have quite firm choices on what I'd like to eat or do, so if I say "I don't mind," I really don't mind! I would say that when I trust the other person to perhaps make a more interesting choice than I might think up myself.

Edited

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If you often have and express choices, you are nothing like them. If they even occasionally suggested or declined a single thing, I would trust that when they say they don’t mind they really don’t. But it is ALL THE TIME. So as others have said it leaves me wondering whether or not they are actually enjoying themselves, if I’m forcing them to do things they don’t want to ect. It’s tiring, I’m constantly trying to guess how they are feeling, and whether they’re hungry or tired or bored. And while they would never complain as such, I do get regular comments afterwards like “oh, it’s a shame…” , or “we could have done …”. Yes, we could, if you had said you wanted to. (And I’m not talking expensive or impossible things here).

OP posts:

Someone2025 · 11/08/2025 17:17

AirborneElephant · 11/08/2025 17:03

If you often have and express choices, you are nothing like them. If they even occasionally suggested or declined a single thing, I would trust that when they say they don’t mind they really don’t. But it is ALL THE TIME. So as others have said it leaves me wondering whether or not they are actually enjoying themselves, if I’m forcing them to do things they don’t want to ect. It’s tiring, I’m constantly trying to guess how they are feeling, and whether they’re hungry or tired or bored. And while they would never complain as such, I do get regular comments afterwards like “oh, it’s a shame…” , or “we could have done …”. Yes, we could, if you had said you wanted to. (And I’m not talking expensive or impossible things here).

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Agree, that kind of behaviour ( it they do it all the time) makes people sound like weak people pleasers who are afraid to rock the boat in any way and inconvenience people

WinnieTheWhat · 11/08/2025 17:40

xLittleMissCantBeWrongx · 11/08/2025 09:46

I loathe this.

I have a friend who will message me and say “do you want to do something with the kids on Saturday morning?”

”yeah sure. What do you have in mind?”

”oh, I don’t mind, whatever you want to do…”

Every. Single. Time.

I’ve started saying I’m not free.

I have a friend like this who will text asking if I want to go out but will never suggest anywhere. I reply with ‘Yes, that sounds great. Let me know where you want to go and I’ll book it for us both/meet you there’

That way it forces her to make a decision instead of making me choose every time and do the thinking for her. If I ask her to go out, I make suggestions in my original text and if she tells me she doesn’t mind, I choose where I want us to go.