To think indecision is bloody rude

[AirborneElephant]

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

If I offer you two options, either is an acceptable answer. You don’t need to study my tastes to know whether I secretly want you to choose an egg and onion sandwich rather than a ham sandwich, because I’m having egg. I don’t secretly want you to choose either. That is why I offered you two choices. I just want you to say one or the other.

Agree, a lot of this stems from it being a thing we did as kids to keep us safe. We often don’t click that we don’t need to do it any more as we won’t get in trouble for the wrong answer or get praised for being “no trouble”.

Stop!!

They are clearly old enough to know what to sort their own breakfast.

And maybe once in a while having no clear preference is just that - not indecision, not rudeness, just not caring one way or the other?

A few people have said that it is annoying but neither rude nor passive aggressive. The thing is, it is rude and passive aggressive, particularly if you can see that it is stressing your host out.

I used to have a friend at school a bit like this - I think she’d been taught that “nice girls” don’t say what they want directly - in fact she once said “I want doesn’t get”. It drove my mother crackers - to the point where she would say “Rachel! Speak! Say what you’d prefer, you are making me crazy!” (My mother is a direct woman, although she said it nicely). The friend also whispered when she spoke to adults.

Completely agree. You aren’t in charge if others feelings, you (that poster) are trying to control people as it makes you feel comfortable. You need to work on that.

I’m really sorry you find it so hard, and well done for working on it. As I said in a previous post it’s about that two way transaction of offering and graciously accepting hospitality, it really helps your host feel comfortable if you are able to make a choice. It’s fine to need to know what the acceptable choices are, in restaurants for example with them I’ll always say I’m having a starter or wine or whatever so they know it’s ok for them to do the same.

But some people offer two things and one would be the wrong answer. And you would be in trouble for it. So your brain assumes that all people are like this.

obviously the onus is on the person panicking to do the mental work to break the cycle but it can be hard.

@LillyPJ

And maybe once in a while having no clear preference is just that - not indecision, not rudeness, just not caring one way or the other?

But if you genuinely have no clear preference between toast and cornflakes (as opposed to expecting someone to know by osmosis) why not just pick one? Rather than forcing the person offering to make the decision all the time. Why does it always have to be someone else's job to make decisions?

It's really infantile.

But I can't say easily what I mean. It's literally a disability.

@CruCru

I used to have a friend at school a bit like this - I think she’d been taught that “nice girls” don’t say what they want directly - in fact she once said “I want doesn’t get”. It drove my mother crackers - to the point where she would say “Rachel! Speak! Say what you’d prefer, you are making me crazy!” (My mother is a direct woman, although she said it nicely). The friend also whispered when she spoke to adults.

My mum was a classic example of the sort of person who had been trained to erase herself so much she thought having any kind of personality or opinion was unladylike. She also used to say "I want doesn't get". It's awful to watch people who are so brainwashed by this that they feel its taboo to have a food preference. No one is going to blacklist you for saying you'd rather have a hard-boiled egg than a soft-boiled egg.

I do have a degree of sympathy when its young people but I also think as an adult you have to pull your big girl pants up a bit, if only to not model being completely wet to your kids.

I will have the same as you is a decision. Not indecisiveness which I agree is annoying.

Well look, if that’s really the case then don’t worry too much. Like me and my relatives, people who know you will forgive it and love you anyway for the rest of your personality.

But for those who think they are being polite or easy or are being lazy then just please stop it!

@DressOrSkirt

It's literally a disability.

It isn't literally a disability. It may be a hang-up or an anxiety. But it's not something you can't conquer. And honestly you don't have the luxury of indulging it.

I don't like reading bank statements or using spreadsheets. That's not a disability, it's just something I'm bad at and don't enjoy. But I've learned over time that the world isn't going to indulge me because I don't like doing these things.

Surely if you reframe it as being more of a burden to other people that you dither and can't articulate what you want, that should help you understand what a pain it is for them?

What happens if both people "have the same as you"?

No, ADHD (depending on the severity) is literally a disability.

Completely different to not liking something.

Then I say I’m having xyz and they either eat that or they speak up and say the other option.

But even if you are the only guest I still don't want to decide what drink to make you. It's the same to me to make two coffees or two teas or one coffee and one tea - I just don't want to choose your drink for you!

There is nothing passive aggressive about this at all!! They are just trying to fit in with you! It’s madness you’re taking offence at this!

I don't think the OP is taking offence, just pointing out that its incredibly annoying.

It drives me mad too. Ridiculous.

I have a lovely friend who answers "I'm easy" whenever a plan/ decision needs making. She comes across as really laid back but actually it just means someone else has to do the planning/work. I'm away with her this weekend and will kindly tell her this the 1st time she does it too me! I honestly don't think she realises it is annoying and probably thinks she is being the easy going friend.

If you genuinely have no preference, it's for you to mentally flip a coin and choose one. It is rude to put the decision on someone else.

I'd just make the drink/food decision for them! Activities are a bit more of a problem especially I you'd rather they went iff on their own for the day.

But if I had no genuine preference, to me the next logical step in deciding is making life a little easier for you - if you're having ham, then it makes sense for me to have ham too, save getting the eggs out. If there's several people and everyone else wants ham, equally I'd go with ham. If some wanted eggs and some ham, I'd probably just randomly pick a side. Maybe ham if the eggs are as yet uncooked. If the choice was something I really hated versus something I like then I could bring myself to express that. But genuinely I usually don't mind and my random choice generator isn't always fully charged. And as a previous poster said, sometimes there is a right and wrong answer and you have to work out what that is!