To think indecision is bloody rude

[AirborneElephant]

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

None of those examples are being indecisive- they are representative of a laid back attitude.

OP, what you're describing isn't really indecision, to me. That's when someone is dithering between options. What you're describing is someone who's saying "I don't give a crap what we do." They may not mean it that way, but yes, I'd find that incredibly annoying. It comes across as if they don't actually want to do anything and won't make a single decision, like it's a protest against being there. Really passive-aggressive. I have known someone like this and it's not only annoying, it's weird and depressing to have someone there who's essentially refusing to participate in relating to you. At best, it's like trying to interact with a wet sock.

How on earth is it passive aggressive?? They’re trying to not put you out. It’s not rude to try and just go with the flow.

Yeah, and those people are also withholding the opportunity for you to please them. For example, if I knew my friend liked an expensive cocktail and I treated her to one, it would make me happy to do that for her. But with someone who refuses to express a single preference, you've got no chance of getting them the drink they like, unless you get them every drink available over many months or years and keep your ears pricked for slight signs that they like one more than all the others! Ridiculous and it IS rude. It's as if they're saying "I might be being forced to be in the same room as you, but I'm not going to interact with you or socialise with you in any meaningful way whatsoever."

That’s such a bizarre interpretation of what is people trying to not be a bother.

OP is describing pathological refusal to express a single preference or want, no matter how small, and that is WEIRD. It's not the same as being polite. Most people would say something like they prefer toast or they prefer cereal, at least, or make a decision between coffee or tea. This refusal to say anything is sometimes done when someone has been made to do something or go somewhere under duress, hence the rudeness.

Imagine you were trying to arrange a date with someone. If they refused to tell you what they wanted to do, what kind of food they liked, or whether they even wanted to go to a restaurant at all - just simply REFUSED to tell you, no matter how many times you asked them what they might like to do on the date - wouldn't you be wondering whether they even wanted to go? Because what they're saying is that they don't care what you do on the date, which is perilously close to saying they don't want to go on the date at all.

This isn't about politeness. This is about a total refusal to participate, and it comes across very negatively.

I agree it's irritating OP. It's probably best to just forge ahead with what suits you. So "I am making spaghetti Bolognese for dinner, hope that suits?"."I am making coffee,anyone want one".

It isn't. OP isn't describing politeness, she's describing someone who is totally refusing to participate. Polite is eventually expressing a preference for cereal or toast, having established that the host has both. Pathologically refusing to express any preference for the slightest thing is passive-aggressive.

I find this annoying but I just make a decision for them and if they don’t like it then too bad, a lot of people seem to like someone else taking the lead. True indecision where they have to make a choice and won’t really drives me up the wall, DH used to be really bad for this, if we went to a restaurant he would take ages to decide what to order to the point the children would start squirming and getting bored because they were being made to sit still for so long with no food, it was self centred behaviour. I now make him check the menu of where we’re going first and choose two options in case they don’t have the thing he wants.

Each of those responses is the same as them saying "I don't care." I can see how that would drive you mad if it's all the time, about everything you ask them. They are not giving you the chance to please them, because how can you, if they won't express any preference?

It is infuriating...

However I can see how it happens and people learn to be this way.

I did for ages - because in my experience, asking for what I wanted resulted in unpleasantness - from huffing and stomping about to ridicule/humiliation or even full on shouting.

I have learned not to do it, after being on the receiving end of it as an adult, and realised I wasn't being laid back or easy going I was being a pain in the arse, and my hosts were NOT the people who taught me not to express preference/want.

Ask either or questions:

'Toast or cereal'

If they say 'whatever is easiest/whatever you're having' you can just supply that.
If that isn't what they actually wanted they will in time learn to specify what they want. If they're foolish enough to keep eating/drinking something they don't like, that is very much their problem.

Or just suggest:

'I am having toast, would you like some'.

Or better yet - 'the kitchen is there, help yourself if you do not want what I am having - I will be having coffee and toast.'

They may think its being helpful leaving the choice to you. You need to tell them that you think its rude. Or at least tell them its annoying. Ask them to make a decision or stop giving them a choice. I don't even know what passive aggressive is even though I get accused of it on occasion. If they are older they may not even realise how you feel. People are not mind readers. If they continue to do it after that then that is rude.

WTF? they are trying to fit in and be easy! Just give them what you'd do anyway!

I don’t get how they’re trying to fit in and be easy, it’s as much effort and almost the same process to make a cup of tea or coffee, or toast and cereal, so just pick one.

When I used to ask my dad if he wanted tea or coffee, he'd always say whatevers easiest. Used to drive me mad. I got him out of that habit by replying I'm not confused by either of those recipes, just tell me what you'd like. Took a couple of times but he does now tell me what he wants.
I never found it rude though just annoying.

Stop offering choices. Not “do you want tea or coffee”, instead “do you want coffee” Don’t offer a choice of breakfast either. Are you a bloody hotel? Just say “do you want scrambled egg?”

I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily indecision. They may be trying to make things easier for you. But you just need to stop offering choices anyway.

Yes. My mum is a serial offender too. Although I get cross now I am menopausal, so she will make a decision eventually as she see it upsets me.

However it also works the other way round. DH will always ask if I would like a coffee in the morning. Ever since I met him 21 years ago, I have had a cup coffee first thing!
I have said just assume I do because I will say if I don’t but he says it’s polite and he can’t help it.
I now tell him “no” when he asks and he makes one anyway. That’s passive aggressive.

Nah, I think she just doesn't know what passive aggressive is.

You're basing your opinion off someone you knew who did seem to be doing it in a passive aggressive way. But what the OP describes is quite common behaviour even though it can be annoying, it's not passive aggressive, it isn't because they don't want to engage with the person like you're implying, it's more that they don't want to be a burden and they want to be easy going.........it can of course make them more of a burden because then you have a guess but the intention is not bad.

DH has some relatives like this. When we visited them in their home country, instead of suggesting things they just kept asking what we wanted to do, eat, see etc. Although it’s where they live, they did not offer one suggestion for interesting places to go or good places to eat. We had to tell them what we wanted to do.

I thought it might be a cultural thing about hosting, but no, when they visited us they were exactly the same. They offered no ideas about what they wanted to do, see or eat and we had to come up with all the ideas.

As nice as they are, it’s exhausting spending time with them. And I constantly felt like I was getting it wrong when everything was met with a lukewarm response.

I agree. I know it's irritating. I find it annoying when people do it to me. But it's often something ingrained in childhood. My parents were both extremely angry people who'd be furious if things didn't go their way. But they also weren't predictable so what was okay one day would be a hanging offence the next. It made making choices scary in case you chose the wrong one. I know it's because of this as I had no trouble with decisions when my children were younger or when I'm on my own.

I've largely trained myself out of it but it still comes back when e.g. I'm tired or I'm with someone who's very particular themselves so my ingrained fear of someone being upset with me resurfaces. With me it's certainly not pass agg. but I can imagine some people are when they make you choose and then huff about it.

I don’t see it as passive-aggressive or indecisive as such. It is just irritating! I find it draining. It shows a lack of interest or enthusiasm for anything and I can’t be bothered with that. It’s also quite lazy and puts all the responsibility on the host.

I used to be like this. I was brought up to be invisible, not to be a burden or place any demands on anyone, not to put people out in any way, to be ‘easygoing’ and just fit in, not expect people to cater to my wishes.

So I was a serial ‘I don’t mind’ or ‘whatever you’re doing’ type. Until one day someone exploded at me over it and told me it was infuriating and came across like I didn’t care or couldn’t be bothered. I’d never seen it from that point of view before, I genuinely thought I was being helpful by not expressing a want that had to be catered for.

I’m much less likely to do it now, but the old tendency does creep in at times, particularly if there are a lot of people to be considered, I’m likely to just say I’ll go with the flow/majority rather than add one more voice to the mix of suggestions.

I'd find it annoying but don't think it's rude. And can that even be passive-aggressive (though I guess it depends on tone.) They're probably trying to be undemanding guests. Just tell them that it's easier for you if they state a preference.

I had a friend who would ask me what I'd like to do or where or when we could meet and I'd decide. But every time, she'd override my decision (I don't like the food there, that's too early for me, I don't fancy that film etc) so in the end I stopped making the decisions and left it up to her. When she asked me to decide after that, I told her why I wouldn't.