To think indecision is bloody rude

[AirborneElephant]

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

Oh wow, you are describing my whole family and in laws, this is exactly how my MIL is, she came to visit us in london where we live now to see our new baby but SIL took over all decision making (prob because MIL is so passive) and she spent most of her time roaming central london instead of seeing us at home. At the end of the trip, she said ‘it’s a shame i didn’t see the baby more.’ I was like this until I moved and travelled, learned how to communicate and make decisions in my 30’s. I realise how annoying it is now, it actually makes you feel like they are not having a good time because surely you’re choosing things for them that they couldn’t always be enjoying.

I am exactly like your family. Im shy and probably nd and can really struggle to make these kind of decisions when I'm not on my own. Most of my friends would also respond like your family. You don't seem very understanding, no offence.

It’s me cooking, and I long ago gave up on any open ended question. It’s at most a choice of two or three things, with all of them clearly available and possible and things I know they like. And I absolutely want them to express a genuine choice, I enjoy cooking and hosting and I never offer anything I’m not happy to do.

It doesn’t actually work for them to really have what I’m having, I KNOW they don’t like strong black coffee and greek yoghurt so tempting as it is to give them that I made them and DH scrambled eggs and smoked salmon instead. And no, I didn’t manage to get any answer to such difficult questions as “two eggs or three?” or “salmon or bacon?”

Well, now you know you’re being incredibly irritating, if you didn’t know it before, so change your behaviour?

It's definitely rude, it puts the onus on you to make every decision for them.

I would just say 'nope, I'm not deciding this time, it's your turn!' and force them to pick an outcome and go with it.

Don’t give them any options. Put breakfast on the table. They help themselves or they don’t.

Arrange your day. Tell them the plan. They come or they don’t.

hand them a take away menu and a note pad. They write down their order or they don’t.

Stop pandering to this ridiculousness. Grown adults should be able to express a simple food choice.

I recently hosted a friend over from abroad who wouldn’t decide anything - where to go, what to do, what to eat etc. It was incredibly draining. And then she hinted at the end of the day that I was bossy! It has really strained the friendship and I don’t look forward to her coming over again to be honest!

Sorry but surely it’s on you to work on this, rather than everyone else to pick up the burden of making decisions for you (an adult) and be “understanding”.

No offence…

This is why, I don't socialise much haha. It's really not that simple for me to change how my brain functions haha.

No one’s asking you to change ‘how your brain functions’, just to stop burdening other people by your inability to make a decision. If you can make a decision on your own, you can learn to make on in company.

If I ask what they 'want for breakfast' and they say 'anything is ok' (to be honest that is too open a question for someone who will not know what you have in the your cupboards/fridge, perhaps don't want to seem too demanding) I'll say 'I'm having poached eggs on toast for myself is that ok or there are cornflakes or Weetabix in the cupboard if you prefer', if they say another 'anything is ok' then eggs it is.

Agree. I don’t know what options they have, what they feel like making or what they can make.

I just give people options and go from there, makes it more simple for everyone.

Please ignore those ableist remarks.

Surely it's on @TombsofAtuan and @xLittleMissCantBeWrongx to realise people are different.

Yeah but sometimes when you give them options they are still like “I don’t miiiiiind 🙃”

Twats. All of them.

Dithering isn’t a disability.

@Zoono isn't incapable of making a decision, just won't.

Yes, I agree. I guess I was assuming I was the only guest.

Sorry but surely it’s on you to work on this, rather than everyone else to pick up the burden of making decisions for you (an adult) and be “understanding”.

Completely this. People need to realise that chronic indecision isn't polite or cute, it's just really really draining for other people.

It puts the other person in the position of having to constantly second guess/anticipate other people's needs on top of the actual work they are doing/money they are spending.

And why does ableism come into it? Neurodiversity/introversion aren't an excuse to create more work for other people. If you really find having an opinion or making a basic decision that stressful for you, don't stay with other people.

You don't know that. I find decisions physically painful. My chest feels like it's seizing up and my heart races. If I feel under pressure because there are people waiting for my decision, or my decision will affect them, it's even worse.

@DressOrSkirt

I find decisions physically painful. My chest feels like it's seizing up and my heart races. If I feel under pressure because there are people waiting for my decision, or my decision will affect them, it's even worse.

But, with kindness, that's a problem for you to sort out, not one to inflict on your hosts/friends.

As an adult, you really ought to be able to make basic decisions around things like what you would like to eat (or not) and what time you have to leave. If you can't do that you're not really in a position to expect other people to host you. You probably ought to get professional help with this.

Luckily the people I stay with aren't so intolerant.

If I can do something easily that someone else struggles with I am more than happy to do that, and I get that in return.

I am getting professional help!

You ought to realise that not everyone's brain in the same.

I've always felt awkward around anyone offering me anything. I've felt that expressing a preference would be indicative of me being greedy. I also think sometimes people offer things that are a lot of work for them and I don't want them to do extra work on my account. It's been quite painful for me at times and it's certainly not been intended to be passive aggressive or annoying, it just feels so, so awkward for someone to make me a tea. I'd rather get myself a brew when no one's looking.

I've worked quite hard on assertiveness and although it still makes me cringe, I can state choice when offered and clarify if the other person is having the same so I know what the acceptable answer is. Like I know my mum likes onion so is likely also to have onion on her sandwich, so I'll say I will if you're having some too. But equally I'm naturally easy going and happy to fit in and that is a basic personality trait that I'll always have. If there's no onion on the sandwich, then that is also fine, I'll enjoy it without.

I’m having a lighthearted online rant. I have cooked, cleaned, planned, organised and paid for everything over the last five days. I love them, enjoy their company, and want them to visit. This is one aspect of their personality I just find so very very infuriating.

@DressOrSkirt

Luckily the people I stay with aren't so intolerant.
If I can do something easily that someone else struggles with I am more than happy to do that, and I get that in return.

Fine, it's nice to go along with what other people are doing and not be pig-headed about everything if it makes pointless work for other people. I get that.

But surely there's a spectrum here. If someone says: "what would you like for breakfast?" saying "eggs benedict please and I want it like this..." is a bit entitled.

But if someone says: "You can have toast, croissants, muesli or cornflakes for breakfast, what would you like?" and you then still say "I don't mind," you're just being ridiculous. You've been provided with the manageable options already. Someone has already done the work of providing the foods and thinking about what's manageable. Why would you, in this situation, give them more mental load to do?

That's the kind of indecisiveness which drives people mad. It's needless self-effacement and dithering when you can very easily just say what you mean.

Can't make up my mind on this one 🤔😉