To think indecision is bloody rude

[AirborneElephant]

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

Do you have my mum visiting? I get really frustrated. As I explained to her last time by making no decision she is telling me that she does not care enough to make a decision and is saying I should do all the work there. This time though I just did not ask and decided myself. Treated her more like the kids rather than adult like my husband and I who is involved in decision making and it went much better.

I agree!

Absolutely don't give them a choice. It's kind of you to provide anything. Just say, "THIS" is what I'm making and leave it at that!

I have this with my in-laws. They are absolutely lovely and usually just don’t want to be a bother, but I find it so draining having to make yet more decisions for others, especially as they are adults who are capable of deciding what drink etc they want.
I have told them that I have known them for 15 years, the time to be extra polite and pussyfoot around each other has passed a long time ago and I’d much rather them be honest and upfront, I won’t think bad of them!
I’ve started to object and say that I don’t want to make that decision for them- so they are getting better at the drinks questions.
Next I need to work on their ability to convey useful information to help plan a day.
When I say, how are you feeling today, we were thinking about doing X, Y or Z, what do you think? They just say they don’t mind. They won’t tell us if they are feeling particularly tired or their foot hurts etc, to enable us to tailor the day to what they could handle and enjoy, instead they will go along something that sometimes doesn’t work for them, as they did not tell us anything that would assist with the decision making, and later we find out they struggled the whole day, and then we feel bad.
Also, when you want someone to have a nice time and enjoy themselves, and they make suggestions that you think they might really enjoy, they give the same ‘I don’t mind’ or ‘whatever you want to do’ answer - there is no enthusiasm, no encouragement, no positive response, that you end up wondering whether you got it all wrong and they don’t actually like that, or whether they care at all. You start to wonder why you continue to make an effort to find something really nice, when they give the same response about a trip to the shops!

It's not. 'Going with the flow' as my relative like this claims, is lazy and forces a lot of mental labour on everyone else. We have to plan, make the decisions and hope we get it right.

It's so fucking annoying.

Why the ever loving fuck do you think someone should do this without being paid as some kind of PA? What you're describing is the work a companion might do for someone with a severe learning disability, not a functioning adult.

I actually hate it when hosts ask things like ‘what would you like for breakfast?’! ‘Oh actually I’d like oysters and champagne- oh you don’t have that??’ A good host should just suggest something with an alternative option if needed.

My (absolutely lovely) in-laws are awful for this. They ask what we want for every meal as if they’d be able to pluck our wildest desires out of the air. Surely you’ve already got something planned???

Except, you know full well oysters and champagne is not a realistic option.

My inlaws have just been and gone, and MIL has a very limited diet due to allergies, so she usually gives me a list of things to buy before they visit.

FIL on the other hand is the total opposite and I find it annoying because even if he has what he's requested, he will see what's on the other person's plate and decide "Oh, I'd like a bit of that", change his mind and regret his decision.

The worst was when he was deciding what to have for lunch overthe Christmas period and there were lots of leftover type things that I suggested, but then afterwards he announced he'd done his duty. Asking what he meant, he said he didn't particularly like what he had but was helping us finish it off. I didn't see ot that way because someone who does like it would have been happy to have it instead!

this I can see is annoying, As I’ve said I’m possibly one of those people inadvertently, when I thought I was being polite. But I wouldn’t not say if I had a bad foot or whatever. And I definitely am always enthusiastic.

Well maybe not, but if I say I’d like bacon and eggs and mushrooms and they were thinking more a bowl of cereal then I end Mortified mortified and embarassed. I don’t know the rules of other people’s houses. I don’t know what’s a normal breakfast or where the tea towels live. This makes me anxious as hell. And that means my ability to decide things is out the window.

just trying to give some perspective as an autistic person who is probably very annoying!

If I am hosting, I would tell you we usually have cereal or toast for breakfast, and whether there was a particular cereal you liked me to buy.

On weekends we used to get stuff like crumpets or croissants, do I'd ask whether they would like some too so that I know how much to buy.

I have ADHD, quite possible he does. You sound like you have experience of caring for someone with a severe learning disability, so I won't be nasty in response to a spiteful comment. Go well.

Then you don’t sound like them - if you assist with the general decision making / planning for the day, not necessarily by making the decisions but giving information that helps others make a decision, that still helps generally. It’s the bland ‘follow along behind’ with no input at all that is hard to deal with, when what I really want to do is give everyone a nice time.
If you give useful info that can help shape a decision, or are enthusiastic when it’s something you’d like to do or have enjoyed, then that isn’t annoying at all!

As someone who has near constant decision paralysis, I do quite often say "whatever you want", "whatever you're having" etc because I literally can't make a decision (I'm not saying your family have decision paralysis, I'm just trying to give my own perspective). I know I'm actually inconveniencing people when I say these things, rather than helping.

I wouldn't say it's rude, but I can understand why it would become annoying. Ultimately, if they continue to say these things, I would say "okay!" and literally give them exactly what you're having. If they complain? Tough luck, they should've made a decision rather than relying on you to make one.

Would it help if you gave them 2 options, like things you know everyone would be happy with? Rather than asking a completely open question, such as "what would you like to eat/drink/do?"

That’s great, that’s what i need in my life choices within a defined parameter I can do. Open ended ‘what do you want for breakfast?’ I just can’t do,