To think indecision is bloody rude

[AirborneElephant]

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

If ever asked ‘tea or coffee?’ etc. my DM would say, ‘I’m easy,’ or ‘Whatever you’re having.’
I often wanted to scream ‘Just say what you’d like FFS!’ but never did - she’d have started crying and been ‘off’ with me for at least 48 hours.

And BTW saying it ‘nicely’ wouldn’t have worked. I had tried that, she still wouldn’t say.

A lightbulb moment here, @WimpoleHat I certainly have a visitor who comes to stay fairly frequently and plays that game. It puts me in a situation where I have to invest massive amounts of emotional and physical energy into trying to second-guess what she really wants. I've also had to deal with her unspoken but obvious disapproval when I've got it wrong.

She was here this weekend, but with an assertive friend so things weren't so bad. I'm now contemplating a fridge full of food that I bought on the off-chance that she might want bacon for breakfast or steak for dinner or cheese and biscuits with a glass of wine at 5pm. I'm going to have to invite friends over for steak and chips tonight...

I think you're being unfair. My dd2 is stunningly anxious (diagnosis done) and can't bear to make a decision on behalf of anyone. If asked where she found being asked where she'd like to go on her birthday for dinner agony. She found the responsibility of making a decision far too much. With help she has matured to making decisions but still finds make a decision that might affect others hard

This would be very much more favourable than my picky father in law.

• Can not and will not eat garlic, spices, onions, certain herbs even in miniscule amounts as part of a recipe.
• likes only two breakfast options but they have to be prepared in a certain way, think fat cut off bacon, bread only buttered on one side and a certain amount of ketchup, no more, no less.
• takes tea in a very specific way.
• has a 'morning routine, including incpecting my shower plug hole under the drainer and explaining to me if it needs to be cleaned.
• does not like childrens tv and will not be in the same room as 'the noise' but insists on reading morning laler in the living room.

-likes to explain his morning bowl routine.
Your inlaws sound like a dream to me 😂

I have an Australian inlaw who fell foul of this. He's so direct and the wider family are a combination of upset and bewildered that he takes them at their word. He found it very upsetting for a long time.

Sorry, not sure what happened to my grammar in my last post! Early morning holiday brain along with kids asking questions mid flow.

If I ask someone if they want 'tea of coffee?' and they say whatever I'll give them whatever I am making and not think twice about it.

If I ask what they 'want for breakfast' and they say 'anything is ok' (to be honest that is too open a question for someone who will not know what you have in the your cupboards/fridge, perhaps don't want to seem too demanding) I'll say 'I'm having poached eggs on toast for myself is that ok or there are cornflakes or Weetabix in the cupboard if you prefer', if they say another 'anything is ok' then eggs it is.

Why anyone would choose to pick these non events as something to get so stressed out about, or to put down another person, says more about them than the person saying it and perhaps why their guests feel uncomfortable stating a preference.

Disclaimer - this is for guests only. Not acceptable for dh/ds to say!

When my SIL came to stay we asked her what type of food she wanted to order, she said she didn't mind, we decided on Chinese takeaway, asked her what she wanted multiple times, said she would eat anything, didn't have a preference. I asked her what she would normally eat from there and she said she would eat anything. Okay then. So when it came she ate two bites of rice and a prawn cracker. I was miffed.

Change your words.
Do you want tea?
We’re going here do you want to come?
Spag Bol for tea?

Don’t give them choices if it annoys you. DH can be like this for lifts for the kids, i ask can you pick them up? If you like he says…yes or no, DH, yes or no!

We’ve had the same thing this summer. One of my children is completely intolerant of dithering and indecision. I live my family, but was so glad she. It was just us again.

While this isn't indecision, I can see how it's related.

I'm very indecisive (thanks ADHD) and could spend an hour trying to decide between tea and coffee. That would be rude and putting my hosts out though so if I would say whichever you're having.

Yes, it's passive, but I can't understand how anyone is interpreting it as aggressive.

It's fair to say that whatever her reason for not giving a preference, it obviously wasn't because she cared about making your life easier!

I think people have different reasons for this. Some genuinely don't care so they figure if you have a preference then it makes sense to go with that. Some people are people pleasers (ugh) or trying not to be annoying or displeasing. Some are just trying to force the thinking and responsibility on to you. I think you can generally tell which is which by how they react after you either make the decision, or tell them you really do need them to express a preference because xxx.

My grandmother, bless her, was a very anxious woman who panicked easily. She would never choose anything in a restaurant, she'd just say to my grandfather "I'll have what you're having". She was nervy and a light eater, but he was a big chap who liked his food. So he'd order what he wanted, usually something pretty substantial, and she'd have whatever he had...and then, pretty often, spend much of the meal complaining that it was too much, too rich, she didn't like it etc. If anyone said something along the lines of "then don't just have what Gerald has, look at the menu and choose something you think you'll like!" she'd go into an anxiety spiral and panic. We loved her, but it was very wearing.

Yes it's very annoying and puts the burden of decision making on you. Also very annoying is when eating out someone who can't make up their mind what to order and keeps asking what are you having so they end up having what you order. All.the.time.

Offering the choice of chips or salad though? Unless you're using that as an example, surely it's both!!

I'm laughing now at the memory of my late mum.

She HAD to know what we were going to be eating for dinner. So when she came to stay, conversations would consist of her asking what was for dinner, me saying that I hadn't thought about it, and then 'dinner' being raised every ten minutes until I actually came up with something, at which point she was fine. She didn't really have preferences, she just wanted to KNOW.

For breakfast question, is it you cooking? Imagine them saying eggs Benedict. Do you want them to say the simplest choices? Like cereal from cupboard or would you be ok for them to express their genuine choice?

Anyone else a Cabin Pressure fan? This is exactly Martin's mum and the Wokingham episode does a wonderful job in showing why it's so annoying.

My own mum can be more of the guessing game type. "you choose" "oh, not that". This also works the other way round with her offering things "help yourself" then complains about the choice. My dad and I described this as"you can have any colour as long as it's blue".

So, I am with you and meeting up with someone like this is exhausting... BUT so can being constantly offered things. (again, my mum) who will say help yourself and then every minute say "would you like an apple or banana" and won't accept "no, thank you" because she thinks I should have one and will offer repeatedly every few mins (especially if you open a book, after being encouraged to relax)

Best by far are people who have opinions but are relaxed. An enthusiastic response to some things, honest and comfortable enough to suggest something else, not going to have to precise a requirement

For me, it was the endless repetition of it over the years - the irritation of someone who can’t or won’t say what they’d fancy. . With food, too - Dm was a fussy eater anyway, so after I’d made something excluding what I knew she didn’t like - ‘eggy’ eggs 😂, chicken (because it’s a bird), tomatoes, she’d start picking e.g. bits of green pepper out of her dinner.
‘Oh, don’t you like green pepper?’
’I’m not over-keen.’

That last turned into something of a family joke!

I loathe this.

I have a friend who will message me and say “do you want to do something with the kids on Saturday morning?”

”yeah sure. What do you have in mind?”

”oh, I don’t mind, whatever you want to do…”

Every. Single. Time.

I’ve started saying I’m not free.

I stayed with mum for an extended period of time once, soon after graduating from Uni. My (now) DH was visiting for the weekend and I was making me and him chilli.
Me: "Mum, I'm making chilli. Do you want me to make enough for you to have some?"
Mum: "Oh no don't worry about me, but if there's any left, I'll have some".
Me: "There won't be any left unless you let me know you'd like some. Would you like some?"
Mum: "Oh no, don't worry. Don't make me any, but if there are leftovers, I'll have a bit".
Me: "There won't be any leftovers. But let me know now if I should cook for 2, or 3 people!"
And on and on and on...

@Gsyllama Hahaha, you’ve just defined why I find my dad’s partner so annoying: the endless offering. I’ve never ever seen her sit at the table for a whole meal, forever up and down to the kitchen to find more things to offer: this would be nice with hot sauce, wouldn’t it? I’ll just make another salad – shall I toast some nuts? Oh, why don’t we have bread rolls as well as potatoes, would you like that? If she manages five minutes at her plate it’s a worry, so much sitting still will inspire her to say, “Oh, we should have had this meal as a picnic – shall I pack it up for the garden? Or maybe a pub with a garden? What does everyone think?”

So it’s still indecision but packaged up in a different way. Meanwhile the rest of us decided on and ate our dinners with all this mania going on.

I can't see it as passive aggressive, that seems a bit odd, unless you know that person is deliberately trying to annoy you.

It's annoying sometimes, but if someone asks me if I want tea or coffee in their home I will sometimes say 'whatever you're having' because a) I don't mind one way or the other what I have and don't have a preference and b) my friend has a fancy schmancy coffee machine and I don't want her to have to be fannying about with it for me if she wants tea herself.

I would much prefer someone to tell me what options they have this is what winds me up…me I don’t eat eggs or cereal. If a host said full English or cereal yes of course I would pick between the two. But it’s when you get what do you want for breakfast well I don’t know what you have in and I don’t eat the standard breakfast staples of eggs or cereal… give me a choice otherwise I would very much like smashed avocado on toast please with chilli flakes sprinkled on the top or I’ll have yoghurt and granola. Ahhh well we don’t have those in im afraid!

well reading this I think I now need to demand from my hosts going forward 😂 it genuinely doesn’t come from a place of not caring for me it’s from a place of not putting them out. And I would never bitch about a choice I didn’t make. If I really didn’t want to go somewhere I would shout up or I wanted to go somewhere say on a city break I would say this looks good. But would never moan about a choice if I didn’t make a decision on it

Don't ask them. Tell them what suits you. We are leaving for x at 10.30. We are having quiche and salad. If they don't like the plans they will tell you. If they genuinely aren't bothered you will get your preference.

God my mum does this - I think she thinks that if she does this, no one will notice that she’s not actually eating anything 🙄