To think indecision is bloody rude

[AirborneElephant]

Have family staying. Love them, but my god they drive me mad. What would you like for breakfast? Whatever you’re having. Would you like to do x today? If you’d like. Would you like tea or coffee? I don’t mind. Do you want chips or salad? Whatever you want. AAAARGH. It’s not polite, it’s rude and passive-aggressive .

Just a rant really, but anyone else find this incredibly annoying?

Exactly, on top of my family being indecisive, passive etc they are also extremely fussy eaters so when I decide on a dish to make or a restaurant they’ll then tell me they won’t eat it but still won’t decide where to go!

Exactly this, and what if both parties just kept saying, I don’t mind, I don’t mind back and forth? Nothing would ever get done.

Then why can’t you just say “tea”

Because she wants coffee but doesn’t want to say that but is secretly hoping her friend will want coffee so she can have some. Or she’s hoping the friend will read her mind that she wants coffee, otherwise she would have just said yea.

I do the opposite with a particular friend who is like this - we don’t meet up very often but he is much busier than I am so I resent offering “Friday afternoon or evening? Saturday afternoon? Sunday afternoon?” when he then rejects everything. I now just say “great, let’s go to Wagamama at 4pm on Friday 16th” then let him work himself around that.

If someone at work kept placing more and more files of their work on your desk then silently walking away and ignoring you and you have to complete all work placed on your desk, would you find that behaviour and the subsequent workload horrible?

Being horrible is what you are doing to the person asking coffee and tea. If you won’t put in the effort to answer then why do you expect others to do the work for you

“I don’t mind is not an option” is a phrase I’ve started using in our house, especially with the teenage DC! It can be so infuriating being the one who has to plan the meals, days out etc. It puts a lot of pressure on you, because then if it doesn’t go well or they don’t like it, it kind of feels like your fault because you’re the one who planned it.

To be fair I think I used to be a bit like this as I am genuinely pretty easygoing and a people pleaser… but since being on the receiving end I now realise how annoying it is!

To me it sounds like they don’t want to inconvenience you by asking for something specific so they are basically saying they are happy to have whatever you want to give them.

Maybe just rephrase your question and just say ‘I’m making bacon sandwiches for breakfast, do you want one?’ Rather than ‘what do you want for breakfast?’.

It is exhausting though after a while, just wish people would give a yes or no answer.

But if you want a coffee just tell her! I’m sure she didn’t buy the fancy coffee machine just for herself, she’s probably quite happy to use it!

In that situation I would ask for the coffee and then compliment her profusely on her fancy coffee choices- win/win 😁 (unless you actually do want tea…)

@Neveragain35

“I don’t mind is not an option” is a phrase I’ve started using in our house, especially with the teenage DC! It can be so infuriating being the one who has to plan the meals, days out etc. It puts a lot of pressure on you, because then if it doesn’t go well or they don’t like it, it kind of feels like your fault because you’re the one who planned it.

When I first met my DP (who is a chronic people pleaser) he was like this: he would always say: "I don't mind" when asked what he wanted to eat. I started saying: "You either have an opinion or you cook your own food. Why don't you pick the easiest of the two options?" That learned him.

You need to preface the questions with the answer you want. Ie ‘I’d like to go here today, do you want to come’. Or ‘I’m boiling the kettle for a cuppa would you like anything’. ‘I was thinking we’d have salad for dinner how does that sound’. And even ‘please can you plan our afternoon outing for today’

I get really bogged down when people ask me to make a lot of decisions on Inga I don’t really care that much about.

Obv we weren’t there but I don’t think it’s rude or PA, I think it’s just really annoying.
I have a relative like this and I just don’t bother asking him anymore. I just make the plans

Just narrow to a choice tea or coffee, cereal or toast, lager or wine? It really is that easy lol 😆

The only time I understand and sympathise with this is in restaurants. Certain family members won’t decide until someone sets the “price point” as they don’t want to look like they are getting a dish that’s too much money. Especially if someone else is paying.

That’s my DH. Drives me insane!!!!!

DF and I are indecisive. Here's my tuppence

When planning the trip in advance send some options and follow up to ask them what they like the look of

Keep it flexible e.g. a booked day, then a non planned day. Make sure anything is cancellable if there is illness.

Plan the next day the night before - don't try and plan it in the morning.

Don't ask what would you like to do - you could ask how much energy do you have, do you feel like walking far etc.

Give no more than 3 options, do express a preference for one of them (what's exciting about it), but tell them it's their holiday too.

You are showing them where you live so be proud to show them. Show them simple things you enjoy, rather than big special days (though nice to have those)

In terms of food and drink, let them know what you've got at the start, if they say they don't mind then just say try this. If they seem to like things stick with those. Bring in something new now and then 😂

If they say 'it's a shame we...' or 'we could have...' use that feedback next time go back to that place and do what they expressed interest in doing.

None of this may help but I've been visiting DF for a few years and we've learned these things.

It would not occur to me that they would worry it was a bad choice, no. Genuinely had not entered my head until you just said that. As for wanting to know I was into it, I would say thank you and I enjoyed it and all that stuff and I would make sure they knew I was grateful they’d gone to the trouble for me.

Surely you just don’t befriend or date such people? There are lots of people out there who do like getting their own way all the time and being allowed to make all the decisions who are compatible with an extremely easygoing person.

I agree! It drives me mad. I hate having to make decisions for other people.

If I am making a cup of tea, it’s no more effort to coffee instead.

Even my husband, I was going to the shop he asked me to get him a bag crisps. Which ones? I asked. Any!!!! Beef, hula hoops, skips, salty ones!! Hot ones!!! There are too many choices I need to know what. Or at least 2/3 to choose from.

It’s not passive aggressive they’re trying to not be an inconvenience

I am not sure if anyone else has said this, but sometimes this is to do with not knowing your own mind, to an extreme extent. So, like social chameleons, they change and their opinions change depending on who they are with. Sometimes they attach what people want and tastes to being "good" or "bad". So if someone who is "good" likes turquoise, the person may like turquoise for as long as that person is around or in their memory. Mirroring. I think that it is to do with trauma or neglect in childhood, not having had an adult with whom you had a connection who cared for you who helped you navigate the world and to understand your place in it. Behaving like this as an adult can be a way of controlling and managing their environment because the human connections which should have been there weren't and aren't there, or aren't working as they should, so control is needed.

I think that another way of looking at it is as people who don't develop "theory of mind" - the developmental point at which you understand that you and how you think is different from (and not necessarily better or worse or more right or more wrong than) other people. So these people might grow up and not know themselves at all and not know what they like or don't like truly. And they may have been brought up to believe that knowing what you like is arrogant or self centred (wrongly). And starting to change can be challenging as letting others get to know them and getting to know others is basically forming connections and if they are someone who has never had that, it will be challenging.

I think that the way to reverse this mindset incidentally is to start small, get to know your favourite things, your favourite colour, which will always be your favourite colour, think about how you really feel about small minor things and then start to branch out. And get to know others at the same time.

People have mentioned ADHD but symptoms of the above can look a lot like ADHD, it may be that ADHD is not the whole story.

I have several relatives like this and it drives me mad .
When I went on holiday with my SIL she couldn’t make a decision to save her life .
Shall we go for something to eat?
answer- I’m easy .
What do you want to drink?
answer- whatever you’re having
Shall we watch the show ?
answer - if you want .
This carried on for the whole 2 weeks we were in Jamaica. It was so tiring . Please just have an opinion , make a suggestion or a decision.
it was similar when we went to Cyprus with my mum and her husband. In the end I would get up and ready and would announce that I was off to the swimming pool for the day and they were all free to join me if they want . They often chose to do their own thing which was good cos I was fed up doing other people’s thinking for them !

@puemue

I am not sure if anyone else has said this, but sometimes this is to do with not knowing your own mind, to an extreme extent. So, like social chameleons, they change and their opinions change depending on who they are with. Sometimes they attach what people want and tastes to being "good" or "bad". So if someone who is "good" likes turquoise, the person may like turquoise for as long as that person is around or in their memory. Mirroring. I think that it is to do with trauma or neglect in childhood, not having had an adult with whom you had a connection who cared for you who helped you navigate the world and to understand your place in it.

This seems plausible in some cases (and is sad and depressing) but surely not all of the "I don't mind" people can be the victims of neglect or trauma?

I've observed that the majority of people who do this are women, not men, and I can't help thinking a lot of it is women having been raised to think that they aren't important, their opinions, needs and desires aren't important and that the best thing they can do to get on in life is to blend in, make as little noise as possible and fit in with what other people want.

It’s also pretty common in autistic people who struggle with social interaction. For me, I know what I like and what I enjoy doing very well…but I also know that no one else likes to do the things I like. I learned very young that the things I wanted to do were not socially acceptable, so I learned to just mirror what other people liked. It’s like I’m a different person depending on who I’m with. But then when you mix my groups? I don’t know what to do.

anyway, the point is for those of us who just don’t really get social norms and cues and rules that going along with everyone else is how we learn to survive and navigate the world.

I would argue that being raised to think your needs and wants are not important is in itself a form of trauma.