To think of they want to bath together then it’s not a problem?

[LondonLady1980]

I have two boys; the eldest is 11.5 years old and the youngest has just turned 8.

They adore each other and are pretty much inseparable which also includes bath time.

I have never had a problem with them bathing together as that’s what they choose to do, but some of my friends who have children of a similar age have started making comments that it isn’t appropriate.

They have expressed concern for my eldest son and say that at “his age” (puberty implications I imagine) he shouldn’t have to share a bath.

But I’m not making them share….they want to share. I give them to option to bathe alone if that’s what they’d prefer, but they don’t want to.

When I explain this to my friends I just get eye rolls in my direction.

What do other parents do in this situation?

Should I be enforcing separate baths?

Yep. Have you actually read the other response to your increasingly bonkers posts on this thread? 😂

Can you post that study so we can see the stats and the background of the study and assess whether it's likely to be accurate? I've found a website that says that although 15% of the female population have suffered sexual abuse of some kind only half of that occurred within the family and the main perpetrators are fathers, step-fathers and other older male members of the family (including grandfathers, boyfriends and friends of the family). So based on this it seems quite sick and twisted of you to continue to speculate about the OP's children. Indeed, I wonder whether you're getting off on the scenario. You seem to be unhealthily invested in it.

@youalright are you in therapy?

Cos I sincerely think you need to be

Do you not understand family life? or do you honestly believe sex offenders are everywhere?

Do you even have a family?

I agree and have reported this poster. I don’t believe they are posting in good faith.

I can post a screen shot i dont no how to do a link

Its the middle one i read the national institute of health

@youalright "Because like i explained earlier rates of incest are high and the majority of abuse happens in your own home so I would be concerned why an 11 year old repeatedly wants to be alone and naked with a younger sibling"

Rates of incest are higher than they should be because it shouldn't exist at all. Saying rates are "high" is actually completely meaningless. Plus majority of incest cases involve an adult and a child. Majority of abuse happens at home with the perpetrator being an adult due to opportunity and amount of unsupervised access to particular children. Very few children who carry out "sexual" acts on other children have not been groomed and abused themselves and I say "sexual" in quotes like this because it's rarely sexual behaviour for the child in terms of psychology - it's a trauma processing response .

There would also be signs of distress in the younger child if they were being repeatedly abused in the home as well as behavioural signs at home, at school in other areas of their life. As someone who's worked with children who've experienced this particular type of abuse or been involved in harmful behaviours this isn't ringing alarm bells in the context of what op has described.

What you are doing is over sexualising children who are maybe a bit young for their years and it's not ok.

I’m surprised you even responded to those comments, they’re so ridiculous.

I was that child and it was all brushed under the carpet

I've showered with my DC since they were babies. We don't have a bath. My DC know that women have hair on "their privates", we use the words for that-vulva and vagina. We use the word penis for men's 'privates'.

Your older son might already be getting erections because puberty has hit or is it on its way. If not, it will be soon. Are you happy for him to be naked with an erection around your naked 8 year old? Of course that's weird, no matter how innocent they might be good luck explaining to anyone that you encouraged that.

It's time for your older son to shut his bedroom door when he is getting changed. That's a normal part of growing up.

And yes, it is weird to kiss one another in the playground at the age of 11.5 and 8.

Weird just means unusual, different uncommon.

It is not unusual for much older siblings to go back to hugging or a quick peck on the cheek but YES it is very unusual indeed to see an 11.5 year old boy kiss his brother. It doesn't matter how you feel about that - it's just the truth.

Your older son will very definitely be mocked for this, if he is not already being mocked for it, and for God's sake do NOT let them tell their classmates they bathe together. Of course they will be - at minimum - laughed at.

People need to stop pretending they don't get this, they are not helping you or your sons at all.

This all has that "About a boy" vibe, a movie from long ago which was quite brilliant in its day. I remember absolutely cringing at the scene where Toni Colette, the hippy mother was shouting "I love you!" to her poor son as he walked into school. He was too kind and loving to ask her to stop embarrassing him, and so he got beaten up by the bullies.

Don't be the hippy mother because you feel a pressing need to be progressive, different and oh so cool, at minimum tell them not to tell other people or you are painting a target on their backs.

People dont see sibling incest because they dont want to see it or believe its happening but its happening in homes up and down the country but parents cant see their pressure little angel doing anything so awful. Their just kids, their just experimenting, they didn't know what they was doing, their to young to understand it was wrong, it was an accident, dont tell lies about your brother/sister, where not discussing it, you cant tell anyone or you will get taken away.

I'm very sorry that you had that experience and didn't get the support you needed from the adults around you that you deserved to get and that you were let down in that way. I would imagine that posts like this would be particularly triggering given the experience you've had and reading your posts, to be honest, that did come across to me so you saying this makes a lot of sense.

However, that does not mean that your experience or even similar to your experience is what is happening here and when we experience certain types of trauma we can see it everywhere. And I say that from personal experience, not from any judgement.

The article you've linked also only seems to open to an abstract as far as I can see with no clear information on the study, how it was conducted, how questions were written etc so it's impossible to say whether it's credible or not. Especially since a number of the participants have been said to see their experiences as positive as opposed to negative which is why I'd be curious to see what they were actually asked as there are certain behaviours young children can action that aren't insidious and are just a really normal part of body curiosity and growing up. So I would suspect those percentages aren't maybe what they seem to be.

I'm so very sorry this happened to you and very sorry people are trying to minimise this.

OP needs to understand that many people will indeed be worried about this aspect, especially with the age difference. Even if it's not happening, it raises questions. Her son is nearly at the age of puberty, it is inappropriate for him to have baths with his younger brother, and that's that.

I'm not sure how I feel about this tbh. I have no issues with the naked body and my kids have always run around naked, however, DC1 is approaching puberty and so I am encouraging them to understand boundaries (also have SEN) and privacy.

We don't have a bath but my kids still talk to each other whilst the other showers and play silly games, but they are alone to wash themselves - it's not that I am a prude at all, but I'm uncomfortable with the closeness of a bath and how they would actually play the games you describe without accidentally banging into a penis, obviously not sexually, but baths aren't big anyway and they make me feel claustrophobic. Maybe I'm projecting because I hate baths.

But surely you understand that 99% of cases would never be reported or spoken about

Exactly.

@thisistoofunny "Your older son might already be getting erections because puberty has hit or is it on its way. If not, it will be soon. Are you happy for him to be naked with an erection around your naked 8 year old?"

You realise baby boys get erections right? Nothing at all to do with puberty. My 2 yo had one briefly this morning. If you're going to make assertions at least inform yourself on male anatomy first.

The worry about bullying I do agree with you on, but I think it needs to be handled sensitively given that they aren't doing anything wrong and it would be very unfair to make them feel like they were. Boys have a hard enough time expressing emotion and affection as it is which is a big part of why we have such a crisis with male mental wellbeing.

You are responding to someone who has been sexually abused and who has expressed concern about sexual abuse. It's time for you to reign yourself in and be silent rather than trying to nitpick.

And it is DISGUSTING that you focused on "see their experiences as positive" aspect. Either you are in favour of child sexual abuse or you are utterly and completely clueless at this point. Many abused children focus on the positives because they are so badly traumatised, it is a coping method.

In other words, shut up.

You realise a naked 11.5 year old boy getting erections in puberty around his 8 year old brother is not the same thing at all, right? Of course you do.

I too would love a rainbow painted world of fairy tales and sparkles, but as we live in the real world I am giving her real world advice.

Should parents separate their children from the age of 8?

Isn't it fantastic nobody suggested or even implied that?

I think they should teach them the importance of privacy and boundaries and appropriate and inappropriate behaviour

OP. This is all fine and normal.
some people on this thread are deranged. Seeing things which are not everywhere.

if your kids are happy then it’s fine. As soon as one of them wants to not bathe together any more then that’s fine too.

the British are so hung up on nudity and sex. It’s unbelievable.

I have a teenage son and wander around my home naked. He does too. Younger DD is more private sometimes. Dad more private again.

I’ve also been known to sunbathe naked or topless. In the garden or at the beach. OMG. No one died. No one felt it was sexual abuse.

naked bodies. No sex. It is possible.

we also leave doors open most of the time and respect each others space when privacy is wanted.

YANBU. We have some weird puritanical views about nudity in this country, even for children. It’s lovely your boys get on together so well and you are very lucky that they do. Things may well change in a couple of years once puberty hits the eldest, so personally I’d appreciate their rapport while you still can.

Why spoil their fun and risk making them self conscious about it, if them wanting to bathe together makes bath time less of a battle than it is in lot of households? As long as it’s a mutual request from them both, then I really don’t see the harm.