Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

I think this is on you. They were guests in your home and as far as I can make out didn’t do anything wrong. What do you mean by moving the furniture around? Do you mean they changed things around like the tables and chairs? I can’t see the big deal with that! Maybe they were just trying to be comfortable. And you should never have picked apart his sister’s parenting! That’s not on. You just met them, you don’t know the family dynamic.

That's how it works sadly if a man or woman cannot seperate into being an independent adult and is still emotionally dependent on their mother or father. To be obeyed with no criticism. The nerve is very raw in these cases and they are too frightened to set boundaries on someone whose home they have left.

The MIL was a guest in another person's home. It's a different family now. Problems happen and observations are made. That is, unless an agreement was made to discuss later or ignore (which some couples do).

They don't need to be rivals at all. It's DH who is at fault here. It's unreasonable to expect no personal private observations if in their normal lives they talk freely.

Criticising your spouse's family behind their backs and to your spouse - especially when they are guests in your house - never ends well. You may think you are justified, though in this case it sounds as if your guests were appreciative - but all your spouse sees and hears is you being nice to their faces and bitching behind their backs. Not a good look. I try not to do criticise DH's relatives even when there is provocation. I find it helps to keep in mind various religious and spiritual rules I've heard of, regarding guests in the house: you honour them even if they are annoying, as how you treat the guests (overtly or covertly) reflects on you as a person. Having said that I don't have a problem asking guests in advance not to do certain things while I am sleeping, eg please don't flush the loo unless its absolutely necessary as the plumbing is very noisy and it will wake everyone.

Don't make such a big effort for them the next time. Let them see you how you are normally. It's all too much, I just wouldn't do it anymore.

His family came to stay. You were critical of them behind their back. And we’re clearly expecting him to be grateful to you for hosting them. If I were him, I’d be mad at you for playing the hurt wife. He is the one who should be hurt about the things you said referring to people he loves.

his mother has been kind, gracious and appreciative of the enjoyable stay they had with you. Can’t you see how he must be biting his tongue from telling her how you thought her rude and her daughter a bad parent?

Clearly he is missing is family and doesn't like you complaining about them. Some people can handle that and some can't. Does he remark on your family? Do you take it well if he calls your parents rude?

That said, you need to remind him that you worked incredibly hard to accommodate them on the visit and a few little remarks doesn't change that.

I think it's a great idea that they visit while you're away next time - he can see for himself how hard it is when he's scrubbing and cooking etc.

I think you’ve got a lot to learn

Didn't you interact with the child yourself?

Well I think it's incredibly difficult to criticise someone else's family, including your spouse's. Apologies mean nothing really, as the comments made indicate your true thoughts and feelings- you can't apologise them away.

On the other hand, your husband sounds unnecessarily defensive and over the top in saying that everything is "ruined". Nothing had been ruined, unless it's your relationship, since his family seem to have had a good visit.

Loving your family members, enjoying their company and wanting their stay to be special do not equate to being unable to separate into an independent adult. That is a bonkers interpretation. I say this as someone who is estranged from my family - all I'm seeing here is a healthy family relationship and a man who isn't willing to kick his mum and sister to the kerb.

Do you really think you can get away with offensive, critical "observations" about your spouse's loved ones without any pushback? DP is free to express rude sentiments about my loved ones in our house, but if he did I would also be free to express that he's being a twat, and not to talk shit about people I like. Luckily, he doesn't do that.

Firstly, why didn’t you sleep for three nights?

Secondly, your guests were rude making noise at 6am.

Thirdly, you shouldn’t have mentioned your SIL neglecting her child. If her child was clothed, clean, fed and occupied it wasn’t neglect. Emotional neglect - possibly - but you shouldn’t have used the word neglect.

My SIL is a piece of work and also an extreme type A personality. I once made a comment about how her house was spotless and my partner blew up at me saying I was insulting her. He had such contempt for me and said some awful things.

Now my SIL has done something shockingly selfish and impacting the lives of the people around her and there is no way to defend her. But I still won’t say that she is cruel or narcissistic. You don’t say the words that you are thinking in your mind.

This.

As they live abroad, he must rarely see them and presumably was really looking forward to their visit. You completely ruined the visit for him. So what if they moved the furniture around a bit or were up early? Would it have killed you to hold your tongue in front of your husband and give out about it to your friend some other time?

And of course you were tired after getting the house ready for their arrival. It's normal behavior for anyone expecting guests to spend time tidying and cleaning beforehand. But that's no excuse for being mean about them to your husband.
You sound like a selfish, make it all about you type of person. They were only there for 4 nights. You said they weren't being intentionally loud or anything so a kindhearted partner would have let it go and allowed their partner to enjoy the company of his family without bitching about them non stop.

But also, the OP made an awful, vocal judgement about the husband's sister based on a short snapshot of time. A few days. Who knows what was going on? Maybe the daughter was being a bit of a moany tween and her mam knew it was best to give her a bit of space for awhile. Who knows? The OP shouldn't have made out that she was a dreadful, neglectful mother (or whatever words she used). How judgemental.

Seriously?! You wouldn't bother making an extra special effort for your partner's visiting family?? Especially as they live abroad so it's a seldom occurance? You sound delightful!

Guests are always a nuisance in one way or another. Even if I really like them and am happy to see them, I complain about them when they're out of earshot. DH finds them just as annoying as me. Your husband sounds touchy.

Where did you read that the husband did nothing to help?? She literally said "WE cleaned the house for 2 days straight".
And if anyone should be considering not having children with someone, it should be him imo, not her.

Op will be on here in a few years upset that her dh doesn’t speak to their child and she’ll get slated for having a child with a man like that and why didn’t she see any signs, she’s noticed signs and getting called judgmental

Yup, this. Why be such a martyr, OP?

Only read 50% of the post. So boring.

You guys do not sound like a cohesive unit. I would maybe wait a bit with the kids until you've figured out what you have in common and what you like about each other. From these posts, it seems....nothing.

I just don’t think the criticism and frustration fits the “crime” here. I’ve criticised DH’s mum but she’s also said things like “When are you going to get a proper job?” “How long until your cats die? Don’t get any more” (Doesn’t like cats, I love them as does DH) “Lose weight” “You are very lucky you married our son because your family is so poor” (they’re not well off, nor is DH!). Making a bit of noise too early in the morning for you doesn’t really seem that big of a deal.

Talking so loudly at six o'clock in the morning that you wake up the people who host you so generously is really rude and inconsiderate. Also, why were they moving furniture around in your house?

A parent largely ignoring a child is concerning. Strange that your husband doesn't see that.

What I don't understand is that you spent two whole days cleaning before they arrived. I get that you would want the house extra clean, but two days? Was the house that filthy? Also, was your husband not also cleaning? Who was doing most of the hosting, considering that they are your husband's family? This is what I would look at to see if he is father material. But from the snippets you have posted, it doesn't look like he is.

Thank you. As I wrote, I was the one who asked her if she was hungry, yes I spoke to her.

@Greenrun your judgement of the SIL’s parenting is a huge red flag. You dont even
have a child yourself yet. What on earth made you think that you are well placed to opine on that?

That alone tells me that you don't know what to say or when.

I fully understand your DH’s upset completely.

I meant the husbands reactions, not the way the in-laws reacted.