Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

Because OP does not have kids, and doe snot know what they are like in day to da life, so made a comment thinking she herself will be a perfect engaged mother 'present' every second of the day. Maybe the SIL was knackered and wanted a bit time off it being their holiday and the child played on their own and didnt mind?
OP could have moaned to a friend if she really felt like it. I do find non parents complaining about other people parenting style pretty rich.Everyoen is an armchair expert in parenting.

Long distance relationships are very different. You really have to make the most of what can feel like very limited time together. It's more intense in a way and it's harder to smooth over any bad feelings when you're not going to be face to face again for long periods.

I can see why your DH is concerned as being long distance these visits are a part of his life and having a partner that doesn't cope well with houseguests won't help.

I think you were both unreasonable. You can’t expect to make negative comments about someone’s mother and sister and expect them to take it well. He can moan about them. You can’t. I thought everyone knew that ‘rule’. Especially saying his sister is a neglectful parent, that’s obviously going to piss him off. You can think it or complain about it to a friend but not to him. However he’s gone a bit OTT with his reaction, saying you should not be there if they come and stay again. He should have just told you your comments were out of order and hurtful and had a grown-up conversation about it

Honestly, I would not be having children with this man. It is never a good idea to vent to you partner about your in-laws. Men in particular can be very defensive of their mother. Could it be a cultural thing with you sil and her daughter? I would be concerned that he couldn't see what was wrong with it.

I don't believe for a second she apologised "properly" given that throughout this thread she's given no indication that she understands how offensive she was. But even one proper apology wouldn't be enough for someone to get over that. I'm child-free and even I understand that you don't just call someone's sister a bad mother unless you want to create a permanent rift.

I don't think his reaction to her was nearly as vicious, not as childish, as her comments about his family (who were there before her and, he may be thinking, will be there after her).

Thank you. I stated earlier in the thread that 'I still shouldn't have made the comment.' 🙏

Good. Then you will understand that the comment is a very hard one to forgive, whether there's an apology or not; his reaction is fairly natural for someone whose loved ones have been insulted; and he did not go "too far" - you did, you crossed the line.

Oh come on his niece was being emotionally neglected in a very blatant and obvious way. I don't blame OP for one moment for not wanting that occurring in her home, for being shocked by it and for commenting on it. It's fucking shite parenting, it shouldn't be an issue to point that out and the fact her husband thinks it's an ok way to treat a child is a very very good reason not to have a child with him.

It's also good manners to fit in with the hosts of the home you're staying in. They can't help being awake at 6am but they sure can help making a noise and talking loudly whilst knowing their hosts are asleep. It's bad manners.

OP if you don't leave this arse yet, please stop joining in with pandering to his desire for everything to look perfect. "Good enough" is good enough, so stop at that point. When he inevitably kicks off because you're not doing exactly what he wants you to do when he wants you to do it, maybe then you'll start to realise how much of a control freak he is and that life will be better for you without him in it.

Sulking is emotional abuse in an adult. It's normal only for toddlers. Start becoming aware of how often you alter your ordinary and normal behaviour, because you're afraid of his reaction if you don't or because it's easier to do as he wants than experience the consequences of not doing it. That's you being controlled.

Whilst I appreciate aspects of my DH’s family, I can also criticise without being lambasted by him. He also says derogatory things. Is this not normal? He can say what he likes about my family-I’m their worst critic. Nobody, including is, is perfect. I’m positive his family and mine bitch about us behind our backs, although we get on extremely well. Isn’t it normal to criticise if people are involved?! I love my family unconditionally, given a choice, I’d live very close to them (my DH would leave me!), but sometimes they say/do things with which I absolutely do not agree and would do very differently. It’s their lives, tho, so I keep my mouth shut when with them, but will vent to my DH. I thought this was absolutely normal.

Are you OP's husband? 😂

I’d run and be grateful you don’t already have kids!

It's not neglectful to not spend every waking moment with a 10 year old, by that age they're fairly independent and can entertain themselves.

I think even if the OP is correct and SIL is a terrible parent it's not like she's going to be able to help fix this from afar. Saying what you did is only going to upset your DH.

Sorry OP you sound manipulative- you rolled out the red carpet in hopes to impress the in-laws but could not hold your tongue for a few days because you really don’t like them.

They live overseas and are not a hindrance to your day to day life like many in laws can be yet you couldn’t wait to make negative remarks and even when it came to someone else’s parenting.

you’re the DIL many are warned about, the ones who are narcissistic and do things only to get a pat on the back or text in this case whilst being an absolute terror behind the scenes.

You smile in their face whilst dripping poison in the husband’s ears to many your unreasonable behaviour normalised.

You tried to use that text message as a power play but your husband quite rightly called you out on in.

sounds like you’re resentful you had to clean the house, with your partners help and behave like a welcoming DIL that many cultures expect.

Sounds like you never liked them, look down upon them.

Wow. Way to tank your marriage!

They were visiting for just for a few days.

Also your comments about SIL’s parenting are absolutely vile. Please come back to this post when you have your own 7 year old.

It sounds as if your DH hasn't separated from his birth family and is driven to put their feelings and importance over yours.

Part of becoming an adult and making a new family is that the loyalty gets switched over. We become less obedient to our parents. We become a new team.

Your DH sounds as if he hasn't been able to do this. He still sees his mother as the woman he needs to please instead of you. This means that any criticism cannot be made, regardless of how long you would have waited or the circumstances. He needs to change this and show you he can do it.

You have the right to be critical of visitors in your own home even if they are his birth family. It's your home. You should be able to express this to your DH.

Although outwardly this visit went very well there may be times in the future when it doesn't go as well. No family is perfect and their own dynamics may contain shocks and surprises. Maybe, your gut feeling us already taking you in that direction.

Hopefully things will calm down and you can talk this through. Only you will know if it is important enough to push or if its something to keep any eye on for the future.

I don’t think you two are right for each other.

The fact you refer to them as guests in the context of saying you whispered to avoid waking them but shame the GUESTS didn’t… yes, you’re a wrongun.

Your disdain for the guests is obvious.

Thank you. The situation was a bit different - hardly any talking to the child, deciding to not eat yet as a group although the child was hungry (I asked her and advocated to have a meal straight away but they were ok to wait another 2 hours, I felt so bad), leaving her to walk behind alone on group walks, nobody initiating conversation with her during daytime activities, except the odd question at mealtimes, etc. As I mentioned, I wanted to guage my husband's views on this as we'd like to have children.

This kind of territorialism, and the assumption that a man's mother and wife are natural rivals (?!?!) and there is only room for one of them at the top of the tree, and thus every sodding thing is seen as a power play, is batshit and toxic.

People have the "right" to slag off whoever they want wherever they want (what difference does it make that it's in her own home) but other people also have the right to take offence if they feel their loves ones have been disrespected.

And partners shouldn't be unquestioningly loyal to their spouses if their spouses are behaving unreasonably.

I have similar issues. His family treat us like dirt in general, are not interested unless it suits, then turn up with gifts for my son to look good and buy his affection then make a big deal of “love you lots”. I’ve seen more love shown from a cardboard box. They have criticised the way I store my food so I will no longer cook for them and tried to use us like a hotel so I will no longer let them stay. I don't tend to be able to hide my feelings very well however my husband will never ever stick up for us, it’s always my fault or I’ve over reacted. For some reason he seems scared of them. No idea why, she left him and disappeared when he was 6. I now go out when they visit. It sounds like you did the right things. You should be able to talk to each other without him being offended, even if it’s just to help you next time. Not sure of a suggestion for you but you are not alone.

I think in a marriage you should be confident enough to make statements about eachother's families without feeling attacked personally. I'll be the first to say what a pain in the proverbial my mom is or how needy my sister is even though I love them dearly. And my husband is the same with his family. Not liking certain traits of eachothers family is not uncommon.
That being said, I come from a different culture and when I have family guests my house is theirs and im not bothered about what goes on as long as I know they're happy. After they leave , we have a good crunch and a moan about what went well and what we disliked but in the end its our family and we love them good, bad and ugly.
Since you barely know your in laws I think you were in a bit of a rush to pass judgement on his family towards your husband, especially if you used words like neglectful, inconsiderate, etc. But I guess being both tired and moody you both approached the situation the wrong way.
And about the SIL and daughter, have you met them before? Have you seen them interact in different situations, places? Or was your opinion formed based on these 4 days spent together?
I think you both need to relax a bit and show your in-laws the real you in real life not a made up forced 4 days of pretend perfect life.
How else would you learn about them and them about you?
You're all family now and if you can't be yourself with your family and who would you be yourself with?

Did everyone miss the bit where the in laws were moving around OP’s furniture? Honestly I can’t believe what I’m reading! Your husband sounds like a lazy mummy’s boy op. They’re guests, sure, but that doesn’t mean common manners go out of the window! I’m honestly baffled by some of the ‘handmaiden’ style comments you’ve received!

Has OP said what furniture (in the kitchen)?

Was it moving a chair out from the table, I know mine can be a bit loud on our flooring. Or were they moving dressers, cupboards etc?

So not similar issues at all. Because OP's in-laws didn't behave like yours in any way. In fact they were really grateful and MIL sent her a lovely appreciative message at the end.