Did my husband go too far during MIL visit?

[Greenrun]

AIBU to think that my husband went too far or did I go too far?

This past week my husband's family came to visit us for four nights from overseas: MIL, SIL and SIL's 10 year old daughter. First time MIL came, we cleaned the house for two days straight, I ordered SIL's luxury birthday cake. I sent MIL welcome text ahead of travel, google translate- we don't speak a common language. I felt I poured my heart and soul into hosting and received a glorious message from my MIL after their departure how I am the best daughter in law in the world.

But: the event was stressful for me behind the scenes and I made some negative remarks to my husband about his family. The first happened when I woke up at 6.00 am to MIL and SIL talking loudly in the kitchen and moving around furniture. They're guests, so of course I wasn't going to tell them anything! But I told my husband that I thought that was rude and inconsiderate of them. When they went to bed before us, I started whispering downstairs the moment they left to go to sleep. My husband's response: 'You are annoyed at everything.' I got very upset, I already hadn't slept for three nights. He got annoyed and irritated with me and all I wanted was some empathy and acknowledgement that this is tiring for me and they were a bit rude. Then he said he didn't hear it, suggesting again that I am the problem. I got really angry that he couldn't just admit the truth that this wasn't the nicest behavior from the guests. I never thought it was intentional or anything, just inconsiderate. That evening I remarked that SIL is quite neglectful towards her own daughter - easy to see, spoke to her twice a day only, kid otherwise left alone. I felt sorry for the girl. My husband went ballistic, 'Who are you to judge?' This was an observation and it's quite relevant as we're hoping to have kids, so if he doesn't see any of it, that's not a good sign to me. After they left, my husband said I ruined everything and next time his family is only coming if I'm away. I was hurt beyond words. I tried to see his side and gave him a genuine apology for criticising his family, saying it's not my business. Upon seeing my MIL's raving text about how happy she was with me, he said: 'Its all fake, because she doesn't know the real you.' I'm upset, because I took time off from work, cleaned and served the guests every day and my husband is still sulking mad at me, because I offended his family and therefore offended him. He doesn't think he offended me at all. He thinks it's 100% on me that I 'ruined' everything for him.

How many times...? OP has said that she and DH did equal amounts towards the preparation for the stay.

Why is no-one reading and talking that in? It's as if many mumsnetters just refuse to take in that a man did his full share. It's like some kind of subconscious bias going on.

Aaaaaaaaaaarghhhhh!

THEY DID EQUAL AMOUNTS OF DOMESTIC PREPARATION FOR THE VISIT!!!!!!

Lordy, this thread is doing my head in.

He was still offended and didn't acknowledge that I was also offended

What did you have to be offended about? You were the one slagging off his family.

And nothing they did (and they were only there for four days) amounted to you needing to swallow your emotions. And if you wanted to vent, that's what friends are for in this situation.

You criticised his family every day, while they had nothing but good to say about you. No wonder he was upset. And you can't see it.

this has helped me in the past OP….

dont talk shit about people while you are in their house

don’t talk shit about people while they are in your house

after they leave…
find someone who will listen to and “get” your complaints….my sister always gets an earful from me about my many annoyances with work the holidays DH etc
unless it’s absolutely egregious behavior don’t complain about family to family. My DH does this to me about my brother who comes about 5 times a year and really he’s a fine BIL who leaves his dog outside takes his shoes off helps cook and brings a mini bar and appetizers to share. It just annoys me when DH starts in on something my brother says…sure he is opinionated we all are but his opinions aren’t controversial. When DH starts to say something I want to roll my eyes….

Thank you 🙏 To clarify, my two comments about the in laws were on the same day, on day 3 to be precise: the first in the morning, the second the same evening. The whispering I mentioned was to not wake them up, not to criticise them.

Even with the two of you doing equal prep it sounds like an awful lot of work and effort went into this visit and it made you resentful and too tired to enjoy it. I don't think that's sustainable, if they live a distance away it's necessary to have them stay for multiple days so you need to find a way to do them that doesn't stress you out as much.

I've read all your updates and I don't think you've quite realised what a big deal it is to criticise someone's loved ones in the way you did. You called his mum rude and his sister a neglectful parent, and you think he's overreacting to be hurt and take offence? If someone slagged my friends off like that, never mind my family, I'd be seething. Especially if they were then nicey-nice to them - that does indeed come across as incredibly two-faced. No one likes a two-faced person.

There's a cohort on MN that will automatically trot out a narrative of Abuse and Gaslighting and Mental Load literally whatever the situation is, though, and I see you're taking comfort in their batshittery already.

But what you said was incredibly offensive and one apology doesn't make that go away.

No. To him she likely did ruin the visit. He may have been super excited and may have thought it had gone well only for his partner to then start slagging off people he love. That could very well ruin the visit for him and him feeling that is not gaslighting. A bit OTT maybe but not gaslighting. He's not telling her no actually you really like them and you said yourself she's a great mother, he's saying how he feels.

By your logic the 180 she took treating them great to their face and then slagging them off to him could have made him question his experience and sanity, when really she's just being two faced.
Neither is purposefully trying to make your partner question their reality.

Did they know how loud they were btw? You say you went to great lengths to whisper when they slept so how would they really know you could hear them. Unless you told them of course in which case they should have made an effort to be quieter

Did they know how loud they were btw? You say you went to great lengths to whisper when they slept so how would they really know you could hear them. Unless you told them of course in which case they should have made an effort to be quieter

That’s very two faced

What change to sleep arrangements? Why did you have three sleepless nights during their visit.

Read ops updates. He wanted to do more work than she would have liked. A home barbeque instead of a restaurant on the last day for example. Even if they are doing equal, he made it more work than it needed to be.

This is a completely separate issue to what they're actually arguing over, ie that the OP insulted her husband's mother and sister quite badly.

The amount and nature of work is a derailing based on the number of posters who assumed, incorrectly, that he didn't pull his weight (because you cannot have a MN thread without Pulling His Weight being mentioned, it's MN bingo).

I completely agree with this. Also all my friends, work colleagues give out about minor irks with their partners families all of the time and they absolutely do it with their partner too and it is said back about their own.

The comment about the sister might be judgemental but being annoyed about early noise and furniture moving are such small gripes. The partner’s behaviour on the other hand was outrageous.

When I read this, it makes me realise why so many marriages don’t last now. This is just a blip and part of the rich pattern of life - move on. ‘He said/she said’ bickering which needs to be put in perspective - neither of you is abusive or crazy - you’re just learning to live with each other.

Incidents like this on both sides have happened many times in my long marriage and we’re usually both a bit in the wrong. They often happen about in laws or friends or guests. It can cause friction but you keep it in perspective and work through it. You’re looking for validation in this forum and you’d be better off just accepting it all as part of the ups and downs of life.

You were overreacting to perfectly normal things your houseguests were doing. However, your DH is unreasonable for his attitude to you. He is the problem, not his family.

Actually, the whole gossiping about his family is largely irrelevant too because op properly apologised and not only did he not accept it but he also was really vicious too her and basically acted like a toddler.

Op was a bit of an arsehole. He however is behaving like he's a 5 year old having a tantrum. So why people are getting on at op I don't know.

And it is relevant he expected 'everything to be perfect to present the perfect life' because it's a similar pattern of narcissist like behaviour. Just like telling you 'everyone actually thinks xyz' about you.

Thank you for commenting 🙏

Id much rather have a BBQ if I had a fmaily from overseas than a stupid takeway or an expensive restaurant. If your family lives far and visits infrequently, it's normal to want to do nice things with/for them (without your partner moaning about it and then acting like she is the one who needs to feel offended).

There’s two different things here. Complaining about his family being inconsiderate is one thing (though I’d have still kept my mouth shut to be honest), but criticising his sister’s parenting is absolutely not on. You crossed a line. Why on earth did you say it? It’s not as if you see enough of them to be able to get actively involved in supporting his niece. There was no point saying it other than to comment negatively on his sister. That’s really not nice.

Thank you. I commented on her parenting because we're hoping to have kids and I wanted to gauge whether he'd be inclined to treat our child the same way too. I've seen glimpses of this little girl's development for the past 7 years (when we were briefly visiting them) and I've commented for the first time. In hindsight, I still shouldn't have made the comment and I apologised which didn't work.

To be honest, if someone is a shit parent, why can't you criticise them? I mean it might not be nice to hear a out your sister but surely he can see why you said it. Just because they are family, doesn't exempt them from blanking their child all day.

YABU. Hosting is part of being married, bitch about them but not to their son, what do you expect?

I think the husband is now realising who he shares the house and life with.

OP was a massive a hole and I think the husband is not only agry she spoiled the whole stay with inconsiderate, judgemental comments while acting offended herself- he does not see his family often and was probably very excited about it, only for someone to make horrible and derogatory comments about his loved ones. I would definitely be questioning a relationship if I was him.
if my partner did this to/about my parents and then turned around to say "oh but they do like me see, it's all good", Id also think the way the husband does.