Families that don't do anything with children

[Countryspaniel]

In my line of work I come into contact with a lot of families. Over the summer it got me thinking why some families don't do anything with children.

Why is it that some people just sit around at home day after day? I'm realistic that not everyone has money but you don't need money for a lot of things.

There are parks, community events, walking, bike rides, Picnics, library, museums etc.

I can't imagine why you would want to sit at home day after day without expanding children's experiences.

I take my kids out but even pals have ice cream vans and it’s £10 for those, I bring them a drink from home but maybe they want a different one.
it’s hard to say no, so I understand why some don’t go.

No we shouldn't judge we should support. You don't know where they live so even if they want to take their kids to a museum maybe the travle is too expensive - trains are expensive and bus prices increasing. Also many parents have to leave their kids as they need to work and need the money. Depression can be helped yes by going outdoors but when it's really bad it's almost impossible to do so and people need to get stable before that. There aren't that many support groups or courses and many are accessible or actually catered to parents in deprived areas, or ethnic minorities and other situations. They need support if they have anxiety to even think about the graded exposure and the families in poverty and various situations the same. I was one of those kids and we just couldn't afford to even live in our house so what we didn't need was coming back to school and teachers making everyone say what they did over the holidays and hearing about trips abroad and having nothing to say when it was our turn.

People don't all live in cities, may not know about free activities and there aren't many anymore anyways, many libraries are closing down or open less. Also many clubs and sports are lots of money even the ones after school and many cannot afford something not necessary after bills and food etc. £30 for a musical theatre club may not be a lot to you, but it would have been to my family and many, music clubs now are in the £50s sometimes.

Yes, see the problem with the free museums.Is that the parents have to pay for train fares to get there?And possibly to the children as well.Depending on age.

Then you have to tell the children, if you've got no money, they can't buy anything in the gift shop. Or have anything in the extortion at cafes?And that's a lot of the fun for children

Maybe parents just don't want the pester power and having to tell their children they can't have this and that.

That's very much your dc. She may like doing lots. Other children may not.

Dd1 liked to do a selection of things that appealed to her. She did 3-4 things a week and most of them she did until she was 6th form once she'd started.
Dd2 would have liked to do constant things every evening and weekend day. She did 10+ things at the highest. She liked to change around. Some things she continued doing, but often she'd try something for a term, then move on.
Ds did not like doing things. I told him he had to do one thing, and he did it under protest when he first started. He did grow to love it, and at one point did 15 hours a week on it, but he was clear if ever I asked that he didn't want to do anything else.

In holiday times dd1 and dd2 normally did one holiday club week. Ds occasionally did one related to the hobby he did. We were never bored whether we went out or stayed at home. As my dad would have said "only boring people are bored". There was always lots for us to do whether together or each on their own or in pairs/small groups.

Reading all these activities listed I think it really must be people not having cars. For example I live next to a park and a pond but other than that I would need to travel to get anywhere at all and I couldn't be doing with getting on and off a bus with young kids with me. Maybe once in a while but it would be exhausting

I actually think there’s too much pressure to be doing stuff all the time (‘making memories’) and there’s nothing wrong being at home just chilling. Kids don’t have to be entertained all the time and it’s good for them to learn how to entertain themselves (and to be bored).

yep agree it’s way easier to just go out for the day

i hate being home with my kids

I love planning days out and finding free things to do with them

This is outing hence the name change.

I have two sets of twins - four and eight. One twin from each set has autism. We don’t all go out very often because it’s enormously challenging. The two autistic children run off and don’t understand stranger danger. If they both have meltdowns at the same time, there’s two other children to look out for at the same time. Plus it’s really hard to find activities that suit them all. We tend to do short trips to the park but that’s about all we can manage.

There’s also the astronomical cost of everything at the moment! A family of six costs a bomb.

The boy may just be too lazy to say what he's done. My son has already said he is just going to write one experience from the summer in the inevitable back to school 'what did you do this summer' writing. We've done quite a bit but he's decided on the highlight...

Also sometimes we don't do things because money is a bit tight even for fuel to get somewhere....if you don't have Tupperware and a bag, going on a picnic can be difficult. Not everyone lives in an urban centre close to museums etc...

My 9 and 7 year old have been to three countries this summer, but I’m sure if you asked, they would just say they played PlayStation all holiday. So I would take that with a pinch of salt.

We absolutely do days out. But there are a lot of days that mine just sit at home all day. In a normal summer, it’s because we’re working (self employed before anyone gets their panties in a bunch). At the moment, it’s because Dh is working to support us both and I’m going through cancer treatment and sometimes just getting everyone fed and keeping them alive is all I have energy for.

That said, while I don’t think kids should sit around on screens 12 hours a day, being bored is very important. They need to not have every moment planned. They shouldn’t have to rely on others for entertainment. Playing and imagination is important and they don’t do that when they spend every day being stimulated and shuttled through various forms of entertainment. They need to be bored.

There is a difference obviously between being bored and being deprived though.

I was a get out every day person. Now I have chronic pain and struggle to do outings. Luckily family help so ds gets out a few times a week. But you don’t know why people don’t go out really.

SIL (husband's sister) was like this. They live near a major city with loads of free things to do and places to go and she never took her kids anywhere. They would go to the park and go shopping. And that's it.

SIL is very un-curious about the world, doesn't travel, isn't educated, isn't interested in learning or finding things out, She has no interest in going to a museum or gallery would not ever think of taking her kids there.

I agree. There is this stubborn determination to keep them off "screens" at all costs (ugh, I hate that term as a catch-all) but I don't really think forcing DS6 to go to the park with me when there may or may not be someone he knows there is any better for him than playing Minecraft then. building Lego with the TV on in the background.

As it happens he has been on holiday with grandparents and to stay with relatives since school ended, and we are taking him to Wales next week, but for the last 3 weeks he can have as much chill time as he wants.

For people saying it’s exhausting taking kids out, isn’t that just life and to be expected? It’s not a reason to stay at home every day.

I voted YABU.
Yes, when DC were young we did go to the park etc Paid for activities had to be budgeted for, even the fuel for the car had to be taken into account.
Luckily, my DC were often happy to play at home with Lego, or in the paddling pool, They’re in their 20s now, well-adjusted with good jobs.
Not a problem to stay at home.

Yes, exactly, she's the kind of kid that wants to do all that (and DH and I also have lots of hobbies so it's all she knows I suppose) but even if your child wasn't like that you'd try to get them to do one thing. And some of them I know would like to but aren't given the chance.

There's a girl (9) we have over quite a lot and she loves singing, dancing, doing cartwheels and so on and she gets a bit jealous when DD is talking about being in performances and so on. She's never done any clubs apart from choir at lunchtime at school.

Also yes I do agree with some pp that some people have got a bit obsessed with the idea of “days out”. Yes people have always taken kids to the park and the library but when we were younger we mainly just played out with friends, we’d knock on each others doors and everyone in the neighbourhood kept an eye out for the kids. I know lots of people don’t let their kids play out in the same way now but my point is that this idea of constantly taking kids out is fairly new. Going back even further, most parents wouldn’t have had the money to keep entertaining kids and there was no such thing as soft play or most of the other places people take kids where you have to pay entry fees, cafes etc. Adults had a lot to be getting on with and kids either joined in or just played either alone or with siblings or friends. I think the damaging thing now is when kids don’t go out and they just sit in front of the tv or iPad instead. If they’re at home cooking/playing/reading/dancing/gardening etc then it’s not half as bad.

My husband has to be nudged and bullied out of the house with our 2yo and I can't for the life of me understand why - he's so much harder to manage in the house!

I think it comes from MIL, who thinks a mile is really far to walk. When she takes our son out to the park she's back in under an hour, whereas I was out with him for over 5h in total today.

What a horrible, judgemental thread. Congratulations on your marvellous parenting, that everyone can see, but you do know that families can be brilliant behind closed doors, right? Maybe better?

From my point of view i am saying i physically couldn't manage that, getting a bus with a kid with me and going on a day out that way without a car. I had to walk a few miles the other day and i am still done in from it. But i think i might have nutritional deficiencies the last while

You do realise what a privileged viewpoint you’re spouting right? Good for you that you can afford 5 extra curriculars a week but that’s far from everyone’s experience.

It’s so much easier taking them out to the park to run around than spending all day at home. My 3 would have gone nuts at home all the time. I’ve never come across families like the op describes but I believe they exist. So life limiting.

I met a little boy Friday who said he'd just "chilled out" and played his tablet all summer and it made me so sad.

You know that child has probably had three weeks of fun and expensive days out, a holiday somewhere nice and endless laboriously planned wholesome and educational crafts…and his poor mother’s head would explode if she realised the only thing he recalled or told anyone about was his (restricted) tablet time.

I know, I know, probably not - but this is the kind of thing mine would say 🤣

There will be barriers you can't see or aren't clear to you such as -

• Travel costs
• Physical and mental health problems
• Never being raised to visit these places themselves
• Previous experiences visiting places

-Language barriers

• Children's behaviour, perceived or actual

-SEN needs

• Not identifying themselves as feeling as if they belong in those places - again this could be perceived or based on actual experiences visiting these spaces

There will be so many reasons but wanted to highlight a few that could apply.